who am i?
a year ago i was broadening my mind to new ways of thought. i was entering the second semester of my senior year of high school, wondering what was coming next. i was still recovering from the shock of events that had happened four years before in my life. i had a broken heart. i had a broken spirit. i was searching for something new and exciting. i was making resolutions i would not keep.
today i was wondering if new ways of thought are all that new. i was preparing to enter the second semester of my feshman year of college, begging god to help me decide on what is next. i was realizing that this christmas showed me that a lot has healed in the last five years. i had a broken heart. i had a broken spirit. i was trying to decide if my search for relevance would ever return fruits. i was breaking resolutions i intended to keep.
so, what does this all say about me?
i am tired of being mediocre. i am tired of feeling irrelevant. i am tired of having a broken heart. i am tired of the future. i am tire of the past. i am tired of searching. i am tired of resolutions.
so even though it is only the fifth day of the year, i am already longing for something new.
i am at the point in my life where i wonder about everything i have ever believed. do i really believe it? am i having a good ole crisis of faith? why is it that i come back to a life i once lived and can no longer fit into it? i sat at home most of my break from college longing to go back. i sat at home surrounded by a family who loves me wondering what would happen if i told them everything that has been going on in my life. i love them and they love me, but they do not understand what is going on in my life because i dont even understand it.
i have a loving sister and almost brother-in-law that are the dearest things in my life right now. i have two wonderful parents who want the best for me, even if they dont listen to what i think that is right now. i have an incredible aunt who loves me unconditionally and has helped to make me who i am today. i have incredible cousins who radiate joy. i have one cousin that i have never seen happier because he has found the love of his life.
so, why is it that i still seem so unsatisfied? what more could i want? what more could i need?
is anything else bothering me?
no...translation? everything in my life is bothering me and i dont know why.
