a generous refund

brian mclaren is my hero. i'll just go ahead and put that out there. anything that i say about him or his writing is going to be ridiculously biased. i just thought any of you who are reading this should know that in advance.

that said, i have entered into yet another intentional christian community (that makes four i am currently a part of to date). it is small group discussion over the book a generous orthodoxy by my hero...i mean brian mclaren. so, you can all* expect several posts about this book.

anyway, this small group is going through this book about two chapters a week. this week we are supposed to read chapter 0. yeah, he has a chapter zero. "a generous refund." mclaren takes this chapter to warn his readers that they are about to step into a huge pile of controversy. i love that. he actually tries to dissuade people from reading his book. gotta love the honesty.

in chapter 0, mclaren gives multiple examples of the people to whom he is writing. i found myself nodded and exclaiming "YES!!! YES!!!" on many occasions. this is why i am excited about this book. it moves me to write in it, speak to it, and, sometimes, throw it into the air (i'm a very unusual reader). so here we go. the period of refunds is over. i now have to own whatever comes after.

* i use the term "all" very loosely here. i have no idea who actually reads these things. i may be the only one which i'm ok with, its just a little awkward to think you are talking to people who aren't there. but i've got a good imagination.

[mosaic]

(adj.) composed of a combination of diverse elements

I went to church this Sunday. For the first time in quite a while I can say that it was amazing. I have been very open about my struggle with being a part of a conventional church body. My house church that I was a part of this summer redefined what the body of Christ could look like. I have pined for it the past several weeks and the teaching I received there.

But God has a funny way of providing us with community. For me, it started with a freshman. Here I am, supposed to be ministering in the lives of the freshmen, and one has found a way to minister to my life. All he needed was a ride. But that ride led to my soul be rejuvinated. What is this place all about?

-Mosaic uses a philosophy of ministry that reflects early Christianity

-Mosaic is a church of "people" not just a "place" you go to

-Mosaic is a multi-generational church comprised of people of all ages

-Mosaic is a holistically designed family-based church

-Mosaic desires arts and creativity at its core

-Mosaic strives to clear up misconceptions about Christianity

-Mosaic will be missional

Is Mosaic where I am supposed to plug in on a more permanent basis? I have no idea. But I do know that God has led me back to a fellowship of believers. At least for the season I am in right now. I hope to explore the above values that Mosaic claims in more detail over the coming weeks. Who knows, God may be yanking me in a complete u-turn. I'm pretty sure he's allowed to do that.

the loudness of silence

The beginning of this week was a shock to my system. Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that it is very difficult for me to both sit still and be silent. Now, imagine immersing someone like that into twelve hours of silent solitude.

It just doesn't jive...or at least it shouldn't.

But God did some incredible things in my life during the University Ministries Leadership Retreat this week. Over the course of two days, we spent a total of twelve hours in silent solitude, broken into session of three hours at a time.

No distractions. No conversations.

Just you and God.

I have never heard God speak more loudly than in this silence. With the direction of The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg guiding our thoughts, we delved into the quiet, relative unknown of solitude with God. For me, this was a challenge. I virtually spent my summer alone, so the prospect of more alone time was daunting. However, I came to realize that I was not spending time alone but in solitude. There is a profound difference.

In aloneness you are the only one present. In solitude, you are alone with God. There are no barriers left except for the ones that you have built in your heart. God used this time to speak to me about my goals, my hopes, and my desires. He was with me, and I felt Him.

I know that where I am right now in my spiritual walk would be considered by many to be a crisis of faith, but there is no real crisis. I am in a season of life where I am asking more questions than I have ever asked, fully aware that there are fewer answers than I am seeking.

It is beautiful.

I have also gained an INCREDIBLE Christian community through University Ministry Leadership including, but not limited to, my fellow Spiritual Life Assistants (SLA). This retreat allowed me to commune with God, but it also provided opportunities for me to build new friendships with a very diverse population of people. It could not have been more perfect. I look forward to seeing how God is going to impact the multiple ministries on our campus this year.

As RJ might say, "Let's see some revival!!!"

Church should be like a jazz session in a coffee house...

from my journal:
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29 June 2007
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The church should be like a jazz session in a coffee house. You have to get all the players in the right place. The trombonist shouldn't be playing piano. You have to wait for the pianist to get there. Then it just clicks. The whole universe just seems right sitting here in the coffee house. Even though I can't remember the name of this song, it still just feels right inside.
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The first real rain shower in months is slowing to a drizzle outside, and it all just seems right. I came here to this coffee shop to study music business, not because I have to, but because for the first time since I started my major, I really REALLY want to. Yet, Mr. Brian McLaren and his "generous orthodoxy" have pulled me away from Passman's entertaining volume (only a little sarcasm there; it really is an interesting book).
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But this pianist was playing the same chord progression for nearly fifteen minutes, and I thought I was going to have to rip my ears off and eat them. The pompous musician brat in me was getting frustrated that he was being allowed to annoy all of sitting around waiting for some good music to read/drink coffee by. And then I thought...oh, there is less than a dozen people in here, and I am probably the only person who is even paying attention to this man.
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So I put away Passman and brought out McLaren because I needed a change of heart, and other than my dear friends Anne Fadiman or the Apostle Paul, Brian is the only person who can do that. (I mean, excluding Jesus...but I feel that's kind of obvious.) So there I am digging into McLaren's words as the chord progression barrels through when suddenly the music changes. Jazz is born from the ashes of monotonous tetra chords. I looked up to see the piano man pulling out a trombone and a woman (with really cool braids) tearing it up at the piano. Two others sat with them, an audience as well as partakers.
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Jazz music is just a mood lifter. No matter what funk you find yourself in, all it takes is just that opening up. That flood of joy from an unknown reservoir. That rich tenor, one of the partakers, joins in and seals the deal, spinning his own words and notes that jive and crunch with the players. It's like a dimming fire on a cool autumn day.
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And then my heart burst with uncontrollable joy as a large, older African-American woman joins in. Her high soprano is raspy and makes me feel heartache as strong as the overwhelming joy. Her notes waft over the others, just barely there, but they are the final emotions necessary to make the jazz complete.
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It's like the church should be. Everyone has his or her place. The trombone player at the trombone. The pianist at the piano. The tenor filling in the warmth. The soprano tying it all together. Each person doing his or her part to make the whole, not perfect, but unresolved. Continually forming and growing.
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It feels like home.

Definitions...

I have encountered increasing pleas to define what Emergent means. There is some debate over whether "emergent" and "emerging" are synonymous. From my perspective, I view them as such. The emerging church movement being made up of emergent Christians...or something like that. While I think it is nearly impossible to define what the Emerging Church is, Wikipedia does a fairly decent job of it.
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The emerging church is a controversial 21st-century Protestant Christian movement whose participants seek to engage postmodern people, especially the unchurched and post-churched. To accomplish this, "emerging Christians" seek to deconstruct and reconstruct Christian beliefs, standards, and methods to fit in the postmodern mold. Proponents of this movement call it a "conversation" to emphasize its developing and decentralized nature. The predominantly young participants in this movement prefer narrative presentations drawn from their own experiences and biblical narratives over propositional, Bible exposition. Emergent methodology includes frequent use of new technologies such as multimedia and the Internet. Their acceptance of diversity and reliance on open dialogue rather than the dogmatic proclamation found in historic Christianity leads emerging church Christians to diverse beliefs and morality.
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Critics of the movement are often conservative evangelical theologians and pastors who disagree with the movement's embrace of postmodernism, believing such a worldview leads emergents to unorthodox theology, relativism, antinomianism, universalism, and syncretism. These critics frequently associate emergent theology with the liberal theology that has historically been at odds with Christian fundamentalism and Evangelicalism.
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Emergent Christians often see themselves as bridging the divide between conservative evangelical Christianity and liberal mainline Christianity.

I cannot find my place among the believers

The title really says it all. I simply have found that whenever I look for a place among the believers around me I do not find a connection of any kind. I form connections individually, but when I try to apply those on a grander scheme, there is nothing. I don't know why this is. I feel as though my heart is open. I feel like I am pouring myself out. But nothing comes of it. Maybe I'm over-analyzing it all. But for some reason, it seems like there has to be someone out there who can understand where I'm coming from. Someone has to understand the concept that I cannot stand church, but I am longing for community. That I want to discuss the possibility that things can be done differently without being called a heretic. Does anyone else out there understand? Please, tell me if you do!

Easter...?

Easter...
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Hmm...
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Ok...I guess my feelings are kind of mixed. I haven't really been to church in a couple of months. I think that is pretty much because I hate going to church. I long for a church where I feel I can serve God in any capacity that He deems me worthy of. However, I have yet to find the church where I feel I can truly worship. Anyway...this past Sunday was Easter. I didn't go to church. It felt no different from any other day. And I kind of feel like that is how it should be.
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Where did the rule come from that said we are supposed to go out and buy a brand new, ridiculously expensive outfit to show off in front of the biggest church crowd apart from Christmas Eve? I have never understood that one. And why are we so wrapped up in the death of Christ. I'm pretty sure that His ministry was centered around his life. In fact, the word salvation never appears in any of the accounts of Jesus' torture, death, or resurrection. So, I'm pretty sure He wants us to focus on our lives, and His.
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All that said, I had an incredible Easter spent with my family away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. It was an incredible day...and not because it was Easter.