it felt like christmas tonight

i just have a few pictures from an amazing night with alex. we went to the opryland hotel (she had never been before) and looked at all the lights. we also did the carriage ride. first, we had delicious sushi at ru san's. it made for a perfect evening.

4 stars

i really don't have any commentary on this. it's just pretty awesome.

click here

being left behind

not so long ago i remember saying that my greatest desire was to be part of a new revolution within the church. my passion and zeal for this goal were important enough to me that i delved into authors like brian mclaren, rob bell, and donald miller. i read their works and decided to throw out much of my religious upbringing. i rebelled vehemently against my traditional southern baptist roots under the guise of "thinking for myself." i even quit going to church for a year because i felt i was called to a different kind of community. when i did begin going to church again, i joined a church that, in concept and design, militated violently against the church setting of my childhood and youth. i joined a school of religion in order to advance my knowledge and comprehension of scripture and religion.

but where has that brought me?

i feel like i've left behind my zeal for reformation. it is no less a part of who i am, but i think i've become too disillusioned, too tired of working toward change. i haven't been to church in almost a month again. the strange thing is that i have nothing against my church this time like i have in the past.

could it be that i actually miss some of the tradition of my childhood?

i had all these preconceptions about what being an adult in church would be like. all these desires to grow up back before the epic turns of 2001 and my religious awakening of 2007. i think a part of me wishes i was part of a southern baptist church like the one i grew up in. not for the size. not for the sunday school class. most certainly not for the pastor. but for the things i feel like i've missed.

and that, i'm pretty sure, is the heart of it all.

honesty

prompted by my friend jeff

wouldn't it be amazing if we were all just openly honest with each other? it would be exceptionally difficult, and there would undoubtedly be hurt feelings at first, but at least we'd know where we really stand with each other. so i'm going to introduce myself...honestly.

disclaimer: do not respond with encouragement or analysis. i'm not looking for compliments here. if you want to respond, similarly introduce yourself. thanks.

hi, my name is dan. sometimes i go by my full name, daniel, because i feel like it garners more respect and sounds more mature. i also use words like "garner" and "boondoggle" in honor of ms. bank from whom i learn tons of impressive words. she died four years ago. i still struggle with that. bradley johnson died two and a half years ago. i still struggle with that. stephen werner died a few months ago. i still struggle with. i joke that i'm comfortable about death, but i'm really not. i grieve hard.

i say that i've moved on from the person i was in high school, but inside i am still fairly similar. i have moments almost every day where my heart breaks a little when i think about my old park singers family and how much i miss them. i hate the fact that the performance atmosphere at belmont (and in nashville) makes me feel insecure in my talent. i miss performing on stage. i miss being around people who sing just because they love it and would do anything to be a good choir.

i am insecure. i analyze every conversation i have with people trying to see how i might have messed up. i feel like people talk about me behind my back. i have always struggled with my self-image and my weight. in elementary school i was made fun of because i was fat. it screwed me up. i can't take a compliment, but i thrive on positive affirmation. i don't have close friends because i'm afraid of getting hurt, but the one thing i want in life is a best friend that i can always lean on and who can lean on me. i always cop-out and say god will provide one while i'm honestly tired of waiting.

i try not to talk about my problems because i hate to seem like i'm whining, but i really wish i could talk about them more. i'm overstretched most of the time. i'm always "on" around people when i wish i was alway raw and vulnerable. i'm outgoing, but i'm an introvert. my alone time is precious to me.

i'm unapologetically a radical star wars and harry potter fan (in that order). i don't care if people think i'm a dork because of it. i'm also a burgeoning theologian...and a religious schizophrenic...one moment i love the church, the next i rail against it. i've been hurt by the church in a huge way twice in my life, and while i say i've learned from those things and have moved on, i really haven't.

i love my family unconditionally. i think my father is the most upright man i have ever known. i hope that i am at least half the man that he is when i grow up, half the father he has been to me. i respect his opinion above anyone else. my mother is my inspiration. she is my buddy, and she keeps me going on days when i don't think i can make it. she doesn't get the recognition she deserves for all she does. my sister is my role model. she had more of an impact on my life than everyone else i have known combined. she is brilliant, talented, loving, and innovative. and she loves me just like i am. my brother-in-law is incredible. he is like the brother i never had. he perfectly compliments my sister, and i feel like i could talk to him about anything. i love my family more than life itself, and nothing can change that.

i am southern and i'm proud of it. there is a lot about the south i don't agree with (racism, subjugation of women, etc.), but there is so much that i cling to. i love sec football. i love southern accents. i love the emphasis on family. i love the food. i love saying that i'm from the south.

so that's me. a little broken. a little dysfunctional. but honestly me. take it or leave it.

fall break

i cannot accurately describe how perfect my fall break was. i got to enjoy the company of my sister and brother-in-law while jet-setting across the united states. i felt pretty awesome sitting on the plane sipping my ginger ale with my knees up under my chin (woo hoo steerage class). below are some of the highlights. i know fall break was almost two weeks ago, but this is the first opportunity i've had to write about it. man i miss those kids.

yeah...that's the golden gate bridge behind me. I went for the sorta artsy tourist look.

this is at muir beach...a nice little secluded beach over the bridge.

me looking generally happy about the state of things outside the hidden coffee shop by beth's office.

all the cool kids (jordan, beth, and me) at the top of uc berkeley's bell tower.

uc berkeley has a carillon...belmont's carillon is one of three in the state of tennessee...but they have an elevator that takes you to their's.

a streetcar...i was generally thrilled about this...took me back to my thomas the tank engine days

elephant seals...nuff said...

we're so cute it's almost unbearable...and there's alcatraz in the background

josiah bartlet for president

i couldn't resist writing this any more. i am absolutely hooked on the west wing. this show is incredible. i'm in the second season now, and i literally would vote for the fictional josiah bartlet tomorrow. the dialog is perfect. the cast is as well. why didn't i know about this sooner???

so, go out and rent season one and get hooked. go ahead. do it. i dare you.

the edge

i stand swaying at the edge
that calls me forward
to a fatal drop

no voices call me back
no hands reach to pull me
only the wind pushes

i want to turn a walk away
to free myself from the
inevitable collision

but i go ahead and drop
face forward down the cliff
to my own demise

and as i fall i see the crowd
of onlookers who stood
silent in my contemplation

they jump after me
following my lead as i realize
my influence was great

and now they tumble down behind
and i realize why they didn't
call me back from the edge

they were waiting to see
what i would do and how
i would respond

but i jumped
so they did too
off the edge and to the rocks

and it was my fault
that they went over the edge
because i led them