What's with the disclaimer?

This is the first post I've put up here in a long time. That's because I'm planning to retire this blog. My new blog ( http://anoldemergence.blogspot.com ) has quickly become my primary place for blogging. It is a space dedicated to dealing with theological issues. My need for a personal blog has greatly diminished over the last few months. But I want to preserve this space because it looks closely at my development.

I have added all the blogs I ever wrote on other site before coming to blogspot a few years ago and post-dated them on their original dates. So, in essence, this site can now be an archive.

Again though, what's with the disclaimer? "Adult content" is a bit strong, but I want to make sure that if anyone does come to this space to read these things, they know it is filled with very raw writing. These blogs are not meant for children. I do not apologize for any of my writing here. Yet I need to make sure people are properly warned.

That said, I bid this part of my journey goodbye.

dar

the code

there is no fear, there is peace.

where there is belief, there is reason.

there is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

where there is passion, there is will.

there is no rage, there is serenity.

where there is truth, there is harmony.

there is no death, there is the force.

lately...

i haven't really been in much of a blogging mood lately. it has been the most unusual semester of my entire life as i have learned more about myself than ever before. i really feel as though i'm coming into the most real version of who i am that i've ever encountered. the walls i have built around myself over time are quietly crumbling, and i am learning just how important it is to be, to exist in the fullness of who god created me to be. as i emerge from this semester better for my struggles, i have begun to understand what it means to wake up in the morning with purpose...every morning. and though that purpose changes from day to day, i still wake up with purpose. some days it's simply to get out of bed and go to work, but i make that work day the best i can.

the last few days have been admittedly difficult for me as the majority of my friends at belmont graduated, many of whom will not be returning to nashville this fall. it hurts my heart. do i regret my decision to stay on an extra semester? no. i know that it was the right decision for me, but it doesn't make it any less difficult to think about people i am extraordinarily close to not returning to my life in august. it's hard, and i don't like it, but i adapt and overcome. i will miss these people dearly, but i know that they are moving on to fulfill their dreams as i will do in six months.

i suppose i'm already living part of my dream for my life. i can honestly say that i know who i am. this is not some fantastical assertion that is meant to place me on a pedestal. i mean it in the most simple, most humble way i can. i really feel like i know myself. it hasn't been an overnight discovery, but it is most certainly the result of many years putting on facades meant to disguise the parts of me i couldn't handle. that's all over now. i know who i am, who i want to be. i'm done compromising that for my pride, for my sense of popularity or self-importance.

i think that this means the next six months until i graduate from belmont are going to amazing. they will be filled with new struggles, re-emerging struggles, and different challenges to overcome. i will have the opportunity to focus on the friends that are still here in nashville, to grow in those friendships as those friends teach me things about who i am that i have yet to discover. i'll get to begin making monumental decisions about my future.

in a way, i'm terrified about these decisions. but mostly i'm at peace. in retrospect, doubting god's direction for my life has never been a fruitful choice. god hasn't failed me yet, even in the darkest moments of my past, i can see now how god has worked to better me and to prepare me for the things that are next. seven years ago i responded to a call i felt on my life that god had some kind of vocational challenge for me. for the first time since then, i feel at home in church. this is not coincidence. i'm completely willing to believe that god has a plan for my life, and i'm looking forward to see how the last several years of my spiritual formation will impact that plan.

so, in the face of monumental changes, leaving friends, and, were i honest, a bit of fear about the future, i can't help but be excited. life, despite its constant struggles, is really good. i'm blessed.

my friend Amber

Hey everyone. My friend Amber is working on raising money so that she can travel to the Dominican Republic for the next year to work with an orphanage. Amber is one of my best friends on the face of the earth, and I know that God will use her in amazing ways. If you have the ability, I would encourage you to donate even a much as 5 or 10 dollars to help her get there. Check out her blog HERE where you can also donate to her via PayPal. Thanks!!!

friends

I love my friends. As I have struggled through many ups and downs over the last couple of months, they have been strong and present in my life. It is wonderful to think that I have that kind of support system. Whether it's smoking pipes and cigars on the front porch late into the night, or grabbing a quick bite to eat, my friends always provide me the stability my oft-shaky legs cannot.

Today, my prayer is one from the Lectionary. It reminds me of how I see God in my friends so often:

Faithful Midwife,

as you delivered the Hebrews safely

out of the long labor of slavery,

so, morning by morning,

you draw us forth into the new day.

Surround us with a cloud of witnesses,

and sustain us by your powerful word,

that, in the night of loneliness and fear,

we, being weary, may not lost heart

but push toward the joy that is to come,

laboring with Christ

to give birth to your promised kingdom. Amen.

bury me under the weeping willow

The Rosanne Cash version of this song is just plain incredible. Check it out.

"Bury Me Under the Weeping Willow"

My heart is sad and I'm in sorrow
For the only one I love
When shall I see him, oh, no, never
Till I meet him in heaven above

Oh, bury me under the weeping willow
Yes, under the weeping willow tree
So he may know where I am sleeping
And perhaps he will weep for me

They told me that he did not love me
I could not believe it was true
Until an angel softly whispered
He has proven untrue to you

Oh, bury me under the weeping willow
Yes, under the weeping willow tree
So he may know where I am sleeping
And perhaps he will weep for me

Tomorrow was our wedding day
But, Lord, oh, where is he
He's gone to seek him another bride
And he cares no more for me

Oh, bury me under the weeping willow
Yes, under the weeping willow tree
So he may know where I am sleeping
And perhaps he will weep for me

Oh, bury me under the violets blue
To prove my love to him
Tell him that I would die to save him
For his love I never could win

Oh, bury me under the weeping willow
Yes, under the weeping willow tree
So he may know where I am sleeping
And perhaps he will weep for me

struggle for significance...

I've been trying to write a new blog for a while now. I want to be profound. I wish I had something to say. I even wrote this blog where I talk about how I'm not living out my passions right now. I am passionate about Artist Development. I am passionate about Christian Ethics. I am passionate about College Admissions. After reading this thing I wrote over again this morning, I decided not to post it. It was whiny. I complained a lot in it. That's not what I want to post on here.

Yeah, I miss working in Admissions at Belmont. But that path is pretty much shot to hell these days. I poured myself into that place, but when I left, everything I had worked toward began to crumble. There is an unbelievable lack of strong, genuine leadership there. If certain people would just step up, there could be some hope. But people are tired of fighting, so ineptitude continues to reign. It breaks my heart that I gave so much of myself there only to see it all be in vain. I know I should just smile and nod and still act like everything is good there to me. But I'm tired of playing games with those people.

I see myself as a theologian, or at least as a burgeoning theologian. I want to have a forum where I can express my ideas and engage in dialog with others about those ideas. But I keep running in to the same things. I'm too young. My ideas are too "out there." I need more school before people will take me seriously. Bullshit. Those are the same things I have heard my whole life. People just don't take me seriously. This, I believe, is mostly my own fault. Often times my eagerness screws me over. So I have a blog. That no one reads. I don't mean to discount those three or four faithful readers out there, but it just gets so frustrating wanting a forum to share your ideas and failing at ever pass.

I am not a kiss-ass in the college of Music Business at Belmont. I spent way too many years of my life kissing up to people to get ahead, and I'm just not going to do it. There are too many inflated egos in that program. I enjoy the artist development aspect of the music industry. I really do. I absolutely love working one-on-one with artists to help them discover who they are, not just as an artist, but also as a person. Because I don't brown-nose people in my program, I am ignored. I simply am not willing to go there. If that counts me out of having influence, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

So in turn, it looks like I have ended up whining about a lot of things. I promise that this is a much better worded rant than what I wrote last night. And, don't get me wrong. As I told my parents this weekend, I love my life. I really have so much going for me. It's just that these things are things that have been on my heart and mind. They are things that are incredibly difficult to express in spoken words. There you go. This is my struggle for significance.