this has nothing to do with jazz music. not so much anyway.
there is this concept of being broken. revolutionized. this concept scares the shit out of me. i have always been the strong person people look up to and the person that people tell my parents they want their kids to be like.
(by the way...i hate that. don't want your kids to be like someone else's kids. one, it puts a hell of a lot of stress on both kids. two, you are making your kid feel unworthy if they do not live up to the set standard. let your kid be themselves, not anyone else.)
anyway, i have realized through reading blue like jazz by donald miller (don't read it unless you want to be slapped in the face by the reality of how stupid christianity is and how beautiful the figure of christ is) that i have been so wrong in so much of my fundamental piety.
to lakeside: i am sorry. i have said horrible things about you as a church. i may not agree with some of the goings-on there, but you are still part of the body of christ. you are all such an amazing part of my life. god used you to make me who i am. i know god moved me for his perfect will, but i still held unearned bitterness toward you. (bitterness can never be earned. it is not an option). i love you. really. i know it may seem weird, but i do. i love you all.
to green valley: i am sorry. i have been so fake because i have pretended to be hurt about things that i only wanted attention for. i do not need comfort about half the things i have said but for all the things i have not said. i love all of you, more than you can know.
to the park singers: i am sorry. i have treated some of you with favoritism that is so far from the mind of christ that i feel dirty. i have treated others of you detestably. i realize that i would be one of the people jesus would have yelled at for hypocrisy. for this i apologize. i love you.
to my family: i am sorry. i have let all of you down in more ways than you can imagine. i don't want you to ask. i don't want you to say that i have not because i know that i have, even if you don't. my love has been so conditional when you deserve so much more. i love you too.
to my girlfriend: i am sorry. our relationship has been about us and not god. it started as a relationship centered on him and has turned. however, it does not have to stay like this. i feel god wants so much more for our relationship. i love you too.
to my school: i am sorry. i have been so worried about my own well-being that many of you are going to hell. i know that were i to step out of my own comfort, you might know christ. if i would stop recommending books and actually tell you about this jesus, you would know his love for you. i love all of you.
to my god: i am sorry. i have so ultimately failed you that it is almost unbearable. this gives me joy. why? because i know that you love me anyway. it is that knowledge that has so hurt my heart. it is that love that i must show to everyone in my life. if they don't understand your love, then i must show them. how else can a child learn what a letter looks like unless a teacher writes it first. much less words, or sentences, or essays, or novels. how can i expect others to understand heaven, the co-equality of the father son and spirit, or even why people were willing to give everything they had to those in their church when the church began. if i cannot show them the letters (love) they will never understand the novels (co-equality stuff).
wow. i just rambled. or maybe i poured out my soul. they seem oddly similar. hmm. i feel fresh now. pray for me. if you don't know how i will help you learn
