descent

i’m falling and the net is gone
there’s no cushion below me
i’m tumbling through the air
with no rescue I can see

i can’t control my plunge
it’s empty all around
with not a soul in sight
to see me hit the ground

i hit, oh how i hit
with a force that shakes my jaw
and as i lay dying i wonder how
i could have prevented my fall

but it’s no use now
at the end of my descent
it’s over, it’s complete for me
all my time is spent.

things i learned from star wars

***Disclaimer: not by me...found these at the movieblog.com***

1) If you’ve got someone beat… go in for the kill
In so many movies, at some point the big bad guy will have the hero at a disadvantage, only to have the hero come up with some cleaver way to distract or delay the bad guy just enough to escape or win the day. “Oh, you don’t want to eat me, I’m so salty”, or “Yeah, go ahead and kill me… it’s the worst thing you can do for yourself right now” and the bad guys always buy it and relent. BUT NOT DARTH VADER! Obi-Wan tried this tactic with the old “If you strike me down I’ll become more powerful that you can possibly imagine”. And what did Vader do? He said “That’s nice… let me know how that being dead thing works out for you” and struck that sucker down!!!

2) If you’re going to kill someone… kill them without telling them about it first.
I’ll never understand Greedo. He clearly goes into the cantina to kill Han Solo, he’s got him sitting there ripe for the kill… and instead of taking advantage of it he decides to have a debate with Han first on the various techniques of spice smuggling. Or Palpatine… he wants to kill Luke… but just keeps saying “Now you will die”, proceeded by lighting, then stopping the lighting to basically say “now you’re REALLY gonna die”, followed my more lightning. Did Princess Leia jump behind Jabba and tell him how angry she was at him… how he hurt her feelings and made her feel marginalized? No! She just jumped back there and choked him out! That’s how you roll.

3) Never trust someone with a mustache
Oh yeah, Lando’s a great guy… we go back a long way. DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT! That mustache sporting bastard will double cross you faster than Doug Nagy accepts free Motor Head tickets. Even Biggs… who I’m sure means well… but he up and leaves Luke on his own on Tattoine, and then he’s all like “Oh yeah Luke, let’s attack that Death Star, I’ve got your back…. OPPPSSS… I’M DEAD!” Never trust or count on someone with a Mustache.

4) All bartenders are racist bigots
“We don’t serve their kind here” Yeah, that just about sums it up… even after Han wasted Greedo, I’m sure if it wasn’t a foreigner (Alien) that he dusted that bartender would have called the cops right away.

5) Thugs run away from old limping men
So this big gang of Sand People are looting Luke’s stuff. They’ve got weapons, they just beat the crap out of Luke… yup… they’re pretty tough. BUT WAIT! He comes some old guy with a limp. RUN AWAY!!!! So whenever I’m walking in New York or LA late at night in a bad part of town… I just make sure there’s always some old guy, preferably with a walker or something, nearby so I know thugs won’t try anything funny.

6) Don’t get promoted
Some kid shows will try to fill your heads with lies about “doing your best”, and “being all you can be”. But I know better. Stay quiet… fly under the radar… and DO NOT GET YOURSELF PROMOTED. Bosses kill people, and they usually start with the one standing closest to them. So when I was working the deep fryer at the burger joint and they asked me if I wanted in the Managerial Training Program… I remembered the harsh lesson learned by Admiral Ozzel… and graciously declined. Remember kids: Pump gas, serve fries, be a crossing guard…. AND STAY ALIVE.

7) Hypothermia is a myth
My mom was a real prankster. Always telling me in the Canadian winters that I need to dress really warmly or I could freeze to death. I believed her nonsense to until saw Empire Strikes Back! The next winter a really cold day hit (I think it was like -40 degrees) and my mom said I couldn’t go outside because it was too cold. I politely corrected her pointing out that on Hoth, even though it was cold enough outside to kill a Tauntaun that was native to that environment… all Han needed as a coat and he was just fine.

8) When you fall down, you become VERY fragile
Up until I watched Empire Strikes Back, I never knew one of the most important safety tips in the world… NEVER FALL DOWN. Apparently, when you fall down, your whole body temporarily becomes very very very fragile. For example, the AT-AT’s armor was “too strong” for the snow speeders blasters. But as soon as it tripped, one single blaster shot blew the crap outta that thing. So much for strong armor. So if you do fall down kids… get up as fast as you can before thugs trow a paper ball at you and cripple you for life. Unless an old limping man is around… then you’re ok.

a generous refund

brian mclaren is my hero. i'll just go ahead and put that out there. anything that i say about him or his writing is going to be ridiculously biased. i just thought any of you who are reading this should know that in advance.

that said, i have entered into yet another intentional christian community (that makes four i am currently a part of to date). it is small group discussion over the book a generous orthodoxy by my hero...i mean brian mclaren. so, you can all* expect several posts about this book.

anyway, this small group is going through this book about two chapters a week. this week we are supposed to read chapter 0. yeah, he has a chapter zero. "a generous refund." mclaren takes this chapter to warn his readers that they are about to step into a huge pile of controversy. i love that. he actually tries to dissuade people from reading his book. gotta love the honesty.

in chapter 0, mclaren gives multiple examples of the people to whom he is writing. i found myself nodded and exclaiming "YES!!! YES!!!" on many occasions. this is why i am excited about this book. it moves me to write in it, speak to it, and, sometimes, throw it into the air (i'm a very unusual reader). so here we go. the period of refunds is over. i now have to own whatever comes after.

* i use the term "all" very loosely here. i have no idea who actually reads these things. i may be the only one which i'm ok with, its just a little awkward to think you are talking to people who aren't there. but i've got a good imagination.

[mosaic]

(adj.) composed of a combination of diverse elements

I went to church this Sunday. For the first time in quite a while I can say that it was amazing. I have been very open about my struggle with being a part of a conventional church body. My house church that I was a part of this summer redefined what the body of Christ could look like. I have pined for it the past several weeks and the teaching I received there.

But God has a funny way of providing us with community. For me, it started with a freshman. Here I am, supposed to be ministering in the lives of the freshmen, and one has found a way to minister to my life. All he needed was a ride. But that ride led to my soul be rejuvinated. What is this place all about?

-Mosaic uses a philosophy of ministry that reflects early Christianity

-Mosaic is a church of "people" not just a "place" you go to

-Mosaic is a multi-generational church comprised of people of all ages

-Mosaic is a holistically designed family-based church

-Mosaic desires arts and creativity at its core

-Mosaic strives to clear up misconceptions about Christianity

-Mosaic will be missional

Is Mosaic where I am supposed to plug in on a more permanent basis? I have no idea. But I do know that God has led me back to a fellowship of believers. At least for the season I am in right now. I hope to explore the above values that Mosaic claims in more detail over the coming weeks. Who knows, God may be yanking me in a complete u-turn. I'm pretty sure he's allowed to do that.

the loudness of silence

The beginning of this week was a shock to my system. Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that it is very difficult for me to both sit still and be silent. Now, imagine immersing someone like that into twelve hours of silent solitude.

It just doesn't jive...or at least it shouldn't.

But God did some incredible things in my life during the University Ministries Leadership Retreat this week. Over the course of two days, we spent a total of twelve hours in silent solitude, broken into session of three hours at a time.

No distractions. No conversations.

Just you and God.

I have never heard God speak more loudly than in this silence. With the direction of The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg guiding our thoughts, we delved into the quiet, relative unknown of solitude with God. For me, this was a challenge. I virtually spent my summer alone, so the prospect of more alone time was daunting. However, I came to realize that I was not spending time alone but in solitude. There is a profound difference.

In aloneness you are the only one present. In solitude, you are alone with God. There are no barriers left except for the ones that you have built in your heart. God used this time to speak to me about my goals, my hopes, and my desires. He was with me, and I felt Him.

I know that where I am right now in my spiritual walk would be considered by many to be a crisis of faith, but there is no real crisis. I am in a season of life where I am asking more questions than I have ever asked, fully aware that there are fewer answers than I am seeking.

It is beautiful.

I have also gained an INCREDIBLE Christian community through University Ministry Leadership including, but not limited to, my fellow Spiritual Life Assistants (SLA). This retreat allowed me to commune with God, but it also provided opportunities for me to build new friendships with a very diverse population of people. It could not have been more perfect. I look forward to seeing how God is going to impact the multiple ministries on our campus this year.

As RJ might say, "Let's see some revival!!!"

Church should be like a jazz session in a coffee house...

from my journal:
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29 June 2007
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The church should be like a jazz session in a coffee house. You have to get all the players in the right place. The trombonist shouldn't be playing piano. You have to wait for the pianist to get there. Then it just clicks. The whole universe just seems right sitting here in the coffee house. Even though I can't remember the name of this song, it still just feels right inside.
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The first real rain shower in months is slowing to a drizzle outside, and it all just seems right. I came here to this coffee shop to study music business, not because I have to, but because for the first time since I started my major, I really REALLY want to. Yet, Mr. Brian McLaren and his "generous orthodoxy" have pulled me away from Passman's entertaining volume (only a little sarcasm there; it really is an interesting book).
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But this pianist was playing the same chord progression for nearly fifteen minutes, and I thought I was going to have to rip my ears off and eat them. The pompous musician brat in me was getting frustrated that he was being allowed to annoy all of sitting around waiting for some good music to read/drink coffee by. And then I thought...oh, there is less than a dozen people in here, and I am probably the only person who is even paying attention to this man.
*
So I put away Passman and brought out McLaren because I needed a change of heart, and other than my dear friends Anne Fadiman or the Apostle Paul, Brian is the only person who can do that. (I mean, excluding Jesus...but I feel that's kind of obvious.) So there I am digging into McLaren's words as the chord progression barrels through when suddenly the music changes. Jazz is born from the ashes of monotonous tetra chords. I looked up to see the piano man pulling out a trombone and a woman (with really cool braids) tearing it up at the piano. Two others sat with them, an audience as well as partakers.
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Jazz music is just a mood lifter. No matter what funk you find yourself in, all it takes is just that opening up. That flood of joy from an unknown reservoir. That rich tenor, one of the partakers, joins in and seals the deal, spinning his own words and notes that jive and crunch with the players. It's like a dimming fire on a cool autumn day.
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And then my heart burst with uncontrollable joy as a large, older African-American woman joins in. Her high soprano is raspy and makes me feel heartache as strong as the overwhelming joy. Her notes waft over the others, just barely there, but they are the final emotions necessary to make the jazz complete.
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It's like the church should be. Everyone has his or her place. The trombone player at the trombone. The pianist at the piano. The tenor filling in the warmth. The soprano tying it all together. Each person doing his or her part to make the whole, not perfect, but unresolved. Continually forming and growing.
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It feels like home.

Definitions...

I have encountered increasing pleas to define what Emergent means. There is some debate over whether "emergent" and "emerging" are synonymous. From my perspective, I view them as such. The emerging church movement being made up of emergent Christians...or something like that. While I think it is nearly impossible to define what the Emerging Church is, Wikipedia does a fairly decent job of it.
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The emerging church is a controversial 21st-century Protestant Christian movement whose participants seek to engage postmodern people, especially the unchurched and post-churched. To accomplish this, "emerging Christians" seek to deconstruct and reconstruct Christian beliefs, standards, and methods to fit in the postmodern mold. Proponents of this movement call it a "conversation" to emphasize its developing and decentralized nature. The predominantly young participants in this movement prefer narrative presentations drawn from their own experiences and biblical narratives over propositional, Bible exposition. Emergent methodology includes frequent use of new technologies such as multimedia and the Internet. Their acceptance of diversity and reliance on open dialogue rather than the dogmatic proclamation found in historic Christianity leads emerging church Christians to diverse beliefs and morality.
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Critics of the movement are often conservative evangelical theologians and pastors who disagree with the movement's embrace of postmodernism, believing such a worldview leads emergents to unorthodox theology, relativism, antinomianism, universalism, and syncretism. These critics frequently associate emergent theology with the liberal theology that has historically been at odds with Christian fundamentalism and Evangelicalism.
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Emergent Christians often see themselves as bridging the divide between conservative evangelical Christianity and liberal mainline Christianity.

I cannot find my place among the believers

The title really says it all. I simply have found that whenever I look for a place among the believers around me I do not find a connection of any kind. I form connections individually, but when I try to apply those on a grander scheme, there is nothing. I don't know why this is. I feel as though my heart is open. I feel like I am pouring myself out. But nothing comes of it. Maybe I'm over-analyzing it all. But for some reason, it seems like there has to be someone out there who can understand where I'm coming from. Someone has to understand the concept that I cannot stand church, but I am longing for community. That I want to discuss the possibility that things can be done differently without being called a heretic. Does anyone else out there understand? Please, tell me if you do!

Easter...?

Easter...
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Hmm...
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Ok...I guess my feelings are kind of mixed. I haven't really been to church in a couple of months. I think that is pretty much because I hate going to church. I long for a church where I feel I can serve God in any capacity that He deems me worthy of. However, I have yet to find the church where I feel I can truly worship. Anyway...this past Sunday was Easter. I didn't go to church. It felt no different from any other day. And I kind of feel like that is how it should be.
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Where did the rule come from that said we are supposed to go out and buy a brand new, ridiculously expensive outfit to show off in front of the biggest church crowd apart from Christmas Eve? I have never understood that one. And why are we so wrapped up in the death of Christ. I'm pretty sure that His ministry was centered around his life. In fact, the word salvation never appears in any of the accounts of Jesus' torture, death, or resurrection. So, I'm pretty sure He wants us to focus on our lives, and His.
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All that said, I had an incredible Easter spent with my family away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. It was an incredible day...and not because it was Easter.

I can't get enough

How can I be so self-serving and hypocritical? I live a life that is full of contradiction and without honor. Or justice. Or integrity. I live a loathing life of sin and disparity. I do not honor my God. But does he hear me anymore? Can he? After all I have done and said and been…and pretended to be. I do not deserve to live.
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I look at Ty and Levi and see that they need support. But where is it? Where is the church that we helped? Where are those that we were to be supported by? Are they too good? Was I too good? I am pompous. I am a jerk. And I am stuck in a rut.
*
I throw the small pebble. It is the largest thing I can find at my feet to throw. I sneer at the bloodied man pulling himself with unattainable strength up the hillside. It is all I can find to throw. And so I offer to take the hammer and drive the spike through his hands. I want to bring him pain…to see him cry out in agony. I enjoy the sound of the crunching bone and ripping flesh that comes from the metal stake pushing through his hand. His cries bring a grin to my face. He looks at me, compassion in his eyes. For a moment I begin to whisper that I am sorry. I stop myself. I am not sorry. If I was sorry, I wouldn’t be moving around to hammer the other nail in. The criminal’s blood is flowing freely now. The armored guards tell me to hurry up, so I do. I make quick work of his feet and watch them hoist him up above me. I wipe the blood from my hands and spit it from my mouth onto the rocks at the bottom of the wooden spires. I turn my back on him and walk away.
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They tell me that he rose from the dead. Eh. So what if he did? Its not like it makes that much of a difference to me. We can crucify him again. He didn’t fight the first time. Why would he fight a second time? Or a third. A fourth. And so on. Every time I drive the nails in it gets easier. The blood is easier to get off.
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I don’t even cry afterwards anymore. That first time, I cried a lot. I got to the bottom of the hill, and completely broke down. By the time I had clamored to the top, it was over. His body was gone. There was just the blood. I laid down in it. Soaked my body in it, sobbing for mercy. Now, I just wait on the hillside until I see him breathe his last breath. Then, I walk down the hill and wait for him to rise again. So that I can crucify him, again. Or stone him. Or shoot him, or hang him, or electrocute him. The methods have gotten less messy but more effective. It’s a lot easier to kill him now.
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But it’s not the killing that does it for me. I just like to see the agony in his eyes. That’s why I favored the original method. The agony lasted longer. Sure, the shooting was good. The stoning was ok. But, crucifixion? There was no better method than that.
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I feel like this is me. It is like I can’t get enough of punishing Christ for the crap I do. I can’t help but think that every time I do something bad or wrong or unjust or against his will for me, that I am killing him, watching the light go from his eyes. But what do I do about this? I don’t know.
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My God, my God. Why have I forsaken you?

Do People Think I'm Crazy?

"Either Christianity itself is flawed, failing, untrue, or our modern, Western, commercialized, industrial-strength version of it is in need of a fresh look, a serious revision.

~

You can't talk about this sort of thing with just anybody. People worry about you. They may think you're changing sides, turning traitor. They may talk about you as if you came down with some communicable disease. So you keep this sort of thing like a dirty secret, this doubt that is not really a doubt about God or Jesus or faith but about our take on God, our version of Jesus, our way of faith. You let it out only when you feel you have found someone you can trust.

~

And when you do, and the other person says, 'I can't believe you're saying this. I ahve felt the same way, but I thought I was the only one' - that's a good moment. Relief. Company. Affirmation. It's like you're both pieces of a flint, and when your secrets strike on another, a spark of hope flies. 'Maybe we're not crazy. Maybe there's a better way. Maybe there's a new way of being a Christian.'"

-from A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren-

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I guess this passage from this INCREDIBLE book sums up my thoughts. I am so afraid to breach this subject with other people because I am afraid people would look at me and say, "Oh my gosh! You have totally lost it!" I am not exactly a person who worries about what other people think. But when it comes to where I am in my faith and walk with God, I so long for a kindred spirit. I want someone to talk to about all this. About how I don't enjoy going to church because I have yet to find a church in which I really worship God because He is God, and not because I am "supposed" to worship. Maybe I am really off base. Except that I've had a couple of those moments mentioned above, those, "Yeah, I totally understand" moments. I've just never really followed through with them. I want to follow through with them. I just have never really found anyone else who really wants to dig deeply into those thoughts and pick them apart. Maybe some day soon.

Yearn

Yearn

by Shane Barnard

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Holy design

This place in time

That I might seek your face, my God

My God

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Lord I want to yearn for You

I want to burn with passion

Over You, and only You

Lord I want to yearn for You

I want to burn with passion

Over You, and only You

Lord I want to yearn

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Your joy is mine

Yet why am i fine

With all my singing and bringing grain

In light of Him

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Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You
Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You
Lord I want to yearn

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Oh You give life and breath

In You we live and move

That's why I sing

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Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You
Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You
Lord I want to yearn

*

On January 1st of 2006 I made this song my song of purpose. I wanted it to be so true of me. I have since failed miserably at making that so. But I know that it is still the desire of my heart and soul. I want so desparately to follow through with that yearning, that desire. So I guess in this inagural post I am simply offering my intentions. I am newly transformed from a conservative southern baptist to something new...I don't even know what to call myself. Of course, that is not to say there is anything wrong with conservative southern baptists. In fact, I believe that is the biggest thing I have learned in the last two years. I cannot point my finger at any one denomination or political affiliation, etc, and say that they are wrong because I have no jurisdiction to do so. I can only look at myself and give myself compeltely to God and the work He may have set for me. Which is a scary concept because that could mean anything. So, I am taking my leap of faith. A real one. And I will see where it takes me.

definition of me

who am i?

a year ago i was broadening my mind to new ways of thought. i was entering the second semester of my senior year of high school, wondering what was coming next. i was still recovering from the shock of events that had happened four years before in my life. i had a broken heart. i had a broken spirit. i was searching for something new and exciting. i was making resolutions i would not keep.

today i was wondering if new ways of thought are all that new. i was preparing to enter the second semester of my feshman year of college, begging god to help me decide on what is next. i was realizing that this christmas showed me that a lot has healed in the last five years. i had a broken heart. i had a broken spirit. i was trying to decide if my search for relevance would ever return fruits. i was breaking resolutions i intended to keep.

so, what does this all say about me?

i am tired of being mediocre. i am tired of feeling irrelevant. i am tired of having a broken heart. i am tired of the future. i am tire of the past. i am tired of searching. i am tired of resolutions.

so even though it is only the fifth day of the year, i am already longing for something new.

i am at the point in my life where i wonder about everything i have ever believed. do i really believe it? am i having a good ole crisis of faith? why is it that i come back to a life i once lived and can no longer fit into it? i sat at home most of my break from college longing to go back. i sat at home surrounded by a family who loves me wondering what would happen if i told them everything that has been going on in my life. i love them and they love me, but they do not understand what is going on in my life because i dont even understand it.

i have a loving sister and almost brother-in-law that are the dearest things in my life right now. i have two wonderful parents who want the best for me, even if they dont listen to what i think that is right now. i have an incredible aunt who loves me unconditionally and has helped to make me who i am today. i have incredible cousins who radiate joy. i have one cousin that i have never seen happier because he has found the love of his life.

so, why is it that i still seem so unsatisfied? what more could i want? what more could i need?

is anything else bothering me?

no...translation? everything in my life is bothering me and i dont know why.