and here we are at the end looking back

i absolutely cannot believe that this is the last day of classes for the spring 2008 semester. i also cannot believe that i'm still overwhelmed and will be until a week from now. arg. but at least there are some interesting things to discuss.
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i guess foremost among them is the fact that this semester is finally almost over. this has been the most difficult semester of my life. i am ready for the break that may is going to bring me. i am incredibly excited about my new roommates and our house (we totally move in on thursday). they are really incredible guys, and i am blessed to have the opportunity to live with them. i am also acutely aware of the fact this means i have to pack up my apartment and leave an equally awesome roommate behind. ah the bittersweet nature of change. but it's definitely time for me to move on.

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would i have changed anything about this semester? well, if i had complete power over the world and how things worked, then yeah. but seeing as i don't, then there really aren't many things i would change. i would make myself be a lot less stressed by being more on top of things. i would have been more careful around kroger shopping carts. i also would have taken more time to just enjoy the company of my friends. at the same time i would have taken more time for me to be alone.

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what am i doing over the summer? well, other than taking 9 hours of classes in june, going to zimbabwe for 2 weeks in july, and working throughout? um...i guess i'm going to read a whole hell of a lot, play some smash brothers brawl and xbox (the latter of which i haven't done since around thanksgiving), turn 20, spend time with my roommates, see my sister and brother-in-law off to parts unknown, welcome my cousin's son into the world, write some, pray some, and generally let my spirit be rejuvinated.

i'm allowed to have an opinion, right?

because sometimes i wonder if people don't understand that concept. i'm allowed to say that i don't agree with the penal substitutionary atonement theory. no, i don't believe that the main message of the cross is the punishment of sins. and i don't have to try to justify myself to people i know won't listen to me. i won't apologize for looking at the world through the eyes of another person or for letting that affect my theology. it's not just because i "don't like" the theology of penal substitution. it's not because i'm trying to be a rebel. it's not even because i like a good argument. it's because i think of a teenage girl who has been physically and emotionally abused her whole life. i think of a son who is beaten by his mother every time she gets a little drunk. how can i talk about the love of a god who victimized his son? i know there is more to it than that, but it is still directly related.

and i also think richard dawkins has it right in a sense when he says "atonement, the central doctrine of christianity, is vicious, sadomasochistic, and repellent." and someone says that i can't throw out a theory of atonement because of a single hypothetical situation.

yes, i fucking can.

because as much as the study of theology is about dialog and interaction and delving into the writings of those who have come before (ad fontes), it is also a very personal journey. so, i sure as hell can disagree with penal substitution, and i can do it on the basis of a hypothetical person who exists in real life in the form of around 2,000 children abused sexually or physically every day.

So what theory of atonement do i think i prefer? i have no idea. why? because i am still struggling with this concept of atonement. i really don't necessarily think that the most important message of the cross is the atonement of sins. i'm working through that one. so i guess that i would maybe be most inclined to agree with an exemplary theory of atonement, that the cross was a demonstration. that still doesn't help me reconcile the violence involved, but again, i'm working on it.

a broken heart

so i'm in chattanooga right now having just finished an admissions event. it's been really fun traveling around the southeast doing these parties and getting to share with admitted students why i love belmont.

but tonight something different happened. i met ruby. ruby is a black lady who works as a custodian at the hotel where we had our event. she looked tired. she seemed frustrated that people were walking where she was trying to mop. she warned people to be careful because the floor was wet, but no one paid her any attention. on my way out after our party, i stopped and asked ruby how her day had been. she said it had been terrible. her blatant honesty showed me that no one had cared all day, and that she just needed to verbalize it. my heart broke. i told her that i hoped it would get better this evening and that i hoped she could get some rest tonight. and i walked on to the bathroom.

in the bathroom my mind raced. here we were, a group of middle/upper class white people in a hotel that caters to the middle and upper class of america doing an event to try and get people to choose a college that costs a lot of money to attend. and here, having a shitty day, was a woman who must be under-appreciated (as most custodians are). and again i found myself wishing i was someone other than myself. i found myself wishing i could understand so that my words would be more than just words. my heart broke even more.

i came out and saw her again as she called out to me to thank me for asking her about her day. i asked if i could hug her and she said yes. the embrace was filled with an empathy i have rarely felt with anyone. i asked if i could pray for her, and she said yes. i prayed for her rest and her spirit. i prayed that her days would improve. i prayed that she would feel appreciated. i finished and we opened our eyes. hers were filled with tears. she thanked me again, we hugged again, and i left. my heart broke even more.

all i could think about was how today was a shitty day for her, but she still did her job. she still did life. and i realized how selfish i am. how badly i need to reassess my perspectives on so many things. and i got back to my hotel tonight, tired of playing the game. every part of me wants to go back to that place and sit down and ask her why her day was terrible and how i could pray specifically for her and hear her story. but i can't because we have a schedule, and i don't have a car.

tonight was the second time in a week that i have felt compelled to pray with someone randomly, and more and more i realize how much pain there is all around me. and my heart breaks for it. i know that i don't have to carry the burdens of the world, but i feel like if more people felt they needed to help carry the burdens of other people, the Christian church would be so much more united, and world would see a difference. so, here i am. lonely in a hotel room in an unfamiliar town. heartbroken for someone i don't even know. and everything in me just wants to break down and cry.

but the strange part is that it feels so right. and i know in my broken heart that ruby will rest easier because someone is shouldering her burden-filled day with her. and that brings me joy that can come from no place else.

all of this has happened before, and it will all happen again...

oh man. today is the day. battlestar galactica season 4 premieres tonight at 9pm. i'm so frakking pumped. for those of you who have never watched the show, it's not too late to start. there are some great videos that can catch you up (like "What the frak is going on with BSG). all that said, i have the ambrosia brewed, the gemenese flag unfurled, and my viper is primed. let's get some frakking BSG.

crazysuperwhelmed

for the three of you who actually read my blog, i just thought i would pass along the fact that i'm overwhelmed this week. no...i'm crazysuperwhelmed. i need for it to be saturday at 2pm. preview day will be over and i will be able to breath again...sort of. it's just that time of year where i can't seem to find a moment to just relax. i mean spring break was kind of relaxing, if you don't count working and giving tours the whole time. i'm just looking forward to the month of may. may will be extraordinary. i'll be out of class and enjoying life before summer session begins. i'll be living with my boys at the new house (hopefully).

but for now i just need to make it through this week. i'll take that. there may be a bubble bath in my near future.