There are times when I am astonished by the inevitability of my life to be amazing and terrible at the same time. Here I am with three weeks of freedom before classes start and I can’t find it in myself to do anything productive. I love my new roommates. They are amazing. But at the same time I’m the “kid” again. I’m always the kid. Why can’t people see me as just me? Why do they have to attach my age to me? Just because I’m only 19 doesn’t mean that people have to treat me like I’m twelve. I don’t drink. I don’t plan on drinking until I’m 21. My roommates understand and respect it. I welcome jokes about it at my expense because I’m pretty damn proud of the fact that I am waiting. But sometimes it would be nice to not have to put up with that. I don’t know. Again, it’s such a hypocritical juxtaposition because I find the joke entertaining (and make a few myself) while at the same time incredibly annoying. And then I sit here and realize that this whole post actually makes me sound like I deserve to be treated that way because I’m hardcore whining here. I hate it. I hate the position I always find myself in. I just can’t catch a break in all this.
And hey, to make things more interesting, let’s throw in the drastic, ever-changing journey my spiritual life has been speeding down lately. One moment I’m thrilled by a conversation about theology with a friend who has had different life experiences from mine, and the next I feel completely disconnected from every portion of the faith I’ve grown up claiming to believe. Last night I was drawn to read my Bible, but, ironically, I couldn’t find one anywhere in the hell-hole that is my new room (the unpacking has barely begun). I ripped boxes and bags open looking for a Bible to no avail, but I was too stubborn to just run out in the severe thunderstorm to my car where I knew my Bible was. I finally found one, but by the time I did, I was too exhausted to read it. I am pathetic. The best description of my spiritual life right now is that I’m completely joyous and pretty put-out at the same time.
I apologize to the three of you who actually read this for not offering something interesting or insightful or even remotely controversial. Just me, the little teenager, complaining about the often unfair complexities of this simple life I lead. Which I guess leads me to believe that maybe the reason that people don’t see me as grown up is because I haven’t actually done it. But at the same time I wonder how I can be expected to act grown up if people continually treat me like I’m not. This is ridiculous. Now I’m just letting my mind and (inadequate) logic run away. I quit.
2 comments:
hey. i know the feeling. on all of the above. i'm proud of you. and i think you're very grown-up (if my two cents means anything). :) and the spiritual stuff -- it gets worse before it gets better (sorry), but it will eventually get better--well, not even "worse" and "better," just more complicated before it makes sense again, i guess--and you'll be grateful for the journey. i love you.
just so you know, i'd rather read honesty than theological banter.
damn honesty.
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