what have i got to be dissatisfied about.
i come from an amazing family with parents who love me, a sister who completely gets me, and brother-in-law who is like a brother, and extended family who (while quite crazy) has always been a constant force in my life.
i am blessed to live in a beautiful house with three really great guys, each of whom challenge me on a daily basis in myriad ways.
i am plugged into a christian community that has completely redefined what church can look like in my life.
i go to, quite arguably (and i'm aware i'm biased), the most amazing university in america.
i have friends who love and challenge me.
i'm involved in ministries and organizations that help me learn who i am and what i want to be.
i have two majors that facilitate two aspects of my personality and my passions.
but i'm at a place right now where i am completely and totally dissatisfied with my life. by the end of every day i am in such a terrible mood that i don't want to be around people. i don't want to do homework. i don't want to fellowship. i'm stuck in a rut that has me alienating myself from, essentially, myself.
i was talking with one of my roommates the other night and i finally verbalized something that has been bothering me for a really long time. i am not particularly good at anything. i do not have a talent that helps me define who i am. i play piano decently and i have an ok voice. am i a musician? no. i can write prose and non-fiction, essays and blogs. am i a writer? no. i am not particularly gifted at any of the things i am truly passionate about. i love singing, but i'm surrounded by people who have such a gift in their voices that i am continually led away from my desire to sing. i absolutely love to play the piano. probably more than anything else in the world. but i constantly encounter people who are so gifted in playing the piano that it dampens my joy. i love to write, but i can't translate that into any prose or poetry that is particularly noteworthy, that will capture the eyes of a professor or critic or friend.
it is a difficult thing to live with passions that are matched by mediocre ability.
but probably the most difficult thing of all is that i love to speak. i love to teach groups and speak to crowds. i know that my destiny lies somewhere in the spoken word. but i have no opportunities to really fulfill that in my life right now. i long for a youth group to teach. i long for a small group of peers to dialog with about everything from theology to why belmont won't plant perennials.
but most of all, i want people to take me seriously. i'm tired of people disregarding things i say or ideas i have because they seem a little crazy or different. i'm fed up with people narrowing their eyes when i talk about alternative views of atonement or the emerging church or even things as little as "moving the chairs around." (<== long story from 7th grade) i'm stuck in a place that has me drowning in passion with no life preserver in sight. and i'm just fucking tired of it.
i come from an amazing family with parents who love me, a sister who completely gets me, and brother-in-law who is like a brother, and extended family who (while quite crazy) has always been a constant force in my life.
i am blessed to live in a beautiful house with three really great guys, each of whom challenge me on a daily basis in myriad ways.
i am plugged into a christian community that has completely redefined what church can look like in my life.
i go to, quite arguably (and i'm aware i'm biased), the most amazing university in america.
i have friends who love and challenge me.
i'm involved in ministries and organizations that help me learn who i am and what i want to be.
i have two majors that facilitate two aspects of my personality and my passions.
but i'm at a place right now where i am completely and totally dissatisfied with my life. by the end of every day i am in such a terrible mood that i don't want to be around people. i don't want to do homework. i don't want to fellowship. i'm stuck in a rut that has me alienating myself from, essentially, myself.
i was talking with one of my roommates the other night and i finally verbalized something that has been bothering me for a really long time. i am not particularly good at anything. i do not have a talent that helps me define who i am. i play piano decently and i have an ok voice. am i a musician? no. i can write prose and non-fiction, essays and blogs. am i a writer? no. i am not particularly gifted at any of the things i am truly passionate about. i love singing, but i'm surrounded by people who have such a gift in their voices that i am continually led away from my desire to sing. i absolutely love to play the piano. probably more than anything else in the world. but i constantly encounter people who are so gifted in playing the piano that it dampens my joy. i love to write, but i can't translate that into any prose or poetry that is particularly noteworthy, that will capture the eyes of a professor or critic or friend.
it is a difficult thing to live with passions that are matched by mediocre ability.
but probably the most difficult thing of all is that i love to speak. i love to teach groups and speak to crowds. i know that my destiny lies somewhere in the spoken word. but i have no opportunities to really fulfill that in my life right now. i long for a youth group to teach. i long for a small group of peers to dialog with about everything from theology to why belmont won't plant perennials.
but most of all, i want people to take me seriously. i'm tired of people disregarding things i say or ideas i have because they seem a little crazy or different. i'm fed up with people narrowing their eyes when i talk about alternative views of atonement or the emerging church or even things as little as "moving the chairs around." (<== long story from 7th grade) i'm stuck in a place that has me drowning in passion with no life preserver in sight. and i'm just fucking tired of it.
2 comments:
(this is actually a comment on the above post, from june 15, but somehow you won't let me comment there.) the unique way that all the things you're good or even mediocre at combine in your particularity is what makes you excellent. you are extraordinary.
your discription in "dissatisfied"is a perfect mirror of how i feel.i read your blog and went to your profile only too see you are a Gemini too. i feel like i dont belong in this world. like you i am soo blessed but yet soo restless. so much talent but unexplored. i write, but have not been published, i sing, but like you i feel like i am not good enough. one day i am happpy, the next i am down.
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