josiah bartlet for president

i couldn't resist writing this any more. i am absolutely hooked on the west wing. this show is incredible. i'm in the second season now, and i literally would vote for the fictional josiah bartlet tomorrow. the dialog is perfect. the cast is as well. why didn't i know about this sooner???

so, go out and rent season one and get hooked. go ahead. do it. i dare you.

the edge

i stand swaying at the edge
that calls me forward
to a fatal drop

no voices call me back
no hands reach to pull me
only the wind pushes

i want to turn a walk away
to free myself from the
inevitable collision

but i go ahead and drop
face forward down the cliff
to my own demise

and as i fall i see the crowd
of onlookers who stood
silent in my contemplation

they jump after me
following my lead as i realize
my influence was great

and now they tumble down behind
and i realize why they didn't
call me back from the edge

they were waiting to see
what i would do and how
i would respond

but i jumped
so they did too
off the edge and to the rocks

and it was my fault
that they went over the edge
because i led them

more detail

this morning i wrote a blog on the simple joy of tea drinking.

that is somewhat a lie. see, it is true that i find drinking tea to be a simple joy, but my love of tea is anything but simple. i am, in fact, a tea snob. i drink loose leaf teas. only. if someone offers me a teabag i respectfully decline. i am annoying. i am a tea elitist.

i own two cast iron teapots. one is blue with lotus and cherry blossoms on it, symbolizing beauty, purity, and enlightenment. the other is charcoal with a hobnail design signifying strength. yes...i know what my teapots mean.

i have four loose-leaf teas that i drink right now:

1. MateVana - is a "diet tea" that curbs hunger; is a tea equivalent to coffee, though the caffeine is balanced with other natural elements within the tea
   
2. Pu-erh - is a medicinal tea that is known to slow aging; it is low in tannins
3. South African Rooibos - is the highest USDA approved rooibos tea from Cape Town, South Africa. i first had rooibos tea in Cape Town, so having it in America is amazing; it is filled with vitamins and minerals
4. Dragonwell Green Tea - is an ancient tea from China; it is said to boost mental alertness and fend off disease

so these are my teas (as shown below). i encourage everyone to try loose-leaf tea brewing. if you don't know where to start, check out teavana's website. that's where i get all my tea. so there we go.

tea and bagels

it really is just that simple. this morning i woke up to a beautiful overcast and cool morning. i opened my window to let the chilly breeze in and went downstairs to start breakfast. last night i decided to have a couple mini bagels with cream cheese for breakfast, but i hadn't resolved what i would drink. and then, of course, i remembered all my teas. so this morning i had a mix of pu-erh and south african rooibos. it is truly the simple things in life that bring the greatest joy.

where was i?

i had just sat down in 2nd period: ms. dumas's language arts class. i remember it being a great day in 1st period choir. i was in 8th grade. i remember wondering if my cousin brian, who at the time was a flight attendant, was flying that day (even though i never knew his schedule the rest of the time). ms. dumas's father was supposed to be flying that day, and even though she hid it well, i knew she was deeply upset.

i remember the sunset being beautiful that night as i walked into the prayer service at church. it was the church i had grown up in, back before i learned what disillusionment meant. back before i understood a lot of things. i was in 8th grade. i was happy. but it seems like september 11th, though i didn't know it at the time, was the beginning of the end of my naivety. from that day on, the dominoes of tragedy and the real world began to fall around me.

september 11th doesn't mean to me what it means to most of the american populous. it isn't predominantly some day of remembrance or a time to be patriotic. to me it marks the last day of my naive childhood.

though i won't claim it as the beginning of adulthood by any means, looking back i know fully that i ceased to be a child from that day on. i came to know concepts in the "real world" like betrayal, heartache, sadness, and depression. my sister moved to college. i moved to a new church, then to high school. eventually i graduated and went to college. and here i am now, seven years later.

i remember the sunset being beautiful that night. and the picture of that will always be burned in my mind.

and here we are

two months ago today i left for cape town, south africa. i had no idea what was in store for me. today i decided to sit down and write a blurb about my experience there (at the prompting of a church newsletter of all things). considering all my conversations and discourses about my trip tend to be extremely long, i felt this was a good exercise. here's what i came up with:

once you drink the water in south africa, you will never be satisfied until you drink it again. and it's true. god blessed my life unbelievably during my two week stay in cape town, south africa with my college (belmont university). i had the opportunity to experience life from an entirely different perspective and to see god in the eyes of poverty-stricken south african children during our bible clubs. but i learned more about god's love and provision than i ever knew was possible. from safe travels and health to deep conversations about god that crossed cultural divides, my experience with "mother afrika" profoundly revolutionized my faith and strengthened my relationship with my creator.

there is so much packed into those sentences, i feel like they are bursting at the seams. how can i describe my time there to anyone who wasn't with me? i can't. it's not really possible. i can tell stories and look at pictures, but i can't help anyone see what i saw or experience what i experienced. i have no words to describe how god worked in me.

but it's good to stand here two months later and be at peace with being home for the first time. yes, my soul still longs to be back. but my memories of africa have melted into who i am, instead of being surface-level conversation pieces, high points that no one can comprehend. cape town is a sacred space for me now, and one day i'll return to again meet with god under different rules and circumstances. the encouragement now is to do the same thing right here. spend time in my sacred spaces and meet god in new and inspiring ways.

njalo!
(always!)
siya thandaza
(we pray)
siya nilela
(we give)
siya dumisa thina njalo
(we praise the lord always)

two face

there are two of me. i struggle between both of them because i feel as though both are required of me. one side wears me out but is authoritative and gets things done. the other is raw, vulnerable, and real, but it has no place in a lot of what i do.

the first me is a harsh facade that stands strong at the doors of my university. he is a leader who leads with an iron fist. he commands respect, whether or not he gets it. he is firm and unmoving. this face is lined with superiority. he is always "on" and never has a bad day. except when he does. when he does it is a hell of a day. the words "war path" come to mind. but he is a strong leader. and i am most comfortable as this me.

then there is the second me. i am terrified of this me. he is introverted and reserved. he has opinions and passions that overwhelm him sometimes. he loves peoples' stories and 1-on-1 conversations. this me is willing to be raw. this me is vulnerable. this me understands that he is not perfect and admits his insecurities. he wants nothing more than to inspire people and to love people and to have them love him. he is just now learning to be a leader. i am least comfortable as this leader.

i don't know how to reconcile these two people, these two faces i wear. i've created one to suppress the other. and the hardest thought for me is that i know i cannot be both for much longer. it wears on me. i want to be a compassionate leader, but i want people to respect me. i want to be the person that others seek out when they need to talk, need to exist, need to do life with someone.

i long to be one while i continually exist as the other. i'm determined to break free of the facade. and i'm trying day by day to do just that.