there are two of me. i struggle between both of them because i feel as though both are required of me. one side wears me out but is authoritative and gets things done. the other is raw, vulnerable, and real, but it has no place in a lot of what i do.
the first me is a harsh facade that stands strong at the doors of my university. he is a leader who leads with an iron fist. he commands respect, whether or not he gets it. he is firm and unmoving. this face is lined with superiority. he is always "on" and never has a bad day. except when he does. when he does it is a hell of a day. the words "war path" come to mind. but he is a strong leader. and i am most comfortable as this me.
then there is the second me. i am terrified of this me. he is introverted and reserved. he has opinions and passions that overwhelm him sometimes. he loves peoples' stories and 1-on-1 conversations. this me is willing to be raw. this me is vulnerable. this me understands that he is not perfect and admits his insecurities. he wants nothing more than to inspire people and to love people and to have them love him. he is just now learning to be a leader. i am least comfortable as this leader.
i don't know how to reconcile these two people, these two faces i wear. i've created one to suppress the other. and the hardest thought for me is that i know i cannot be both for much longer. it wears on me. i want to be a compassionate leader, but i want people to respect me. i want to be the person that others seek out when they need to talk, need to exist, need to do life with someone.
i long to be one while i continually exist as the other. i'm determined to break free of the facade. and i'm trying day by day to do just that.
the first me is a harsh facade that stands strong at the doors of my university. he is a leader who leads with an iron fist. he commands respect, whether or not he gets it. he is firm and unmoving. this face is lined with superiority. he is always "on" and never has a bad day. except when he does. when he does it is a hell of a day. the words "war path" come to mind. but he is a strong leader. and i am most comfortable as this me.
then there is the second me. i am terrified of this me. he is introverted and reserved. he has opinions and passions that overwhelm him sometimes. he loves peoples' stories and 1-on-1 conversations. this me is willing to be raw. this me is vulnerable. this me understands that he is not perfect and admits his insecurities. he wants nothing more than to inspire people and to love people and to have them love him. he is just now learning to be a leader. i am least comfortable as this leader.
i don't know how to reconcile these two people, these two faces i wear. i've created one to suppress the other. and the hardest thought for me is that i know i cannot be both for much longer. it wears on me. i want to be a compassionate leader, but i want people to respect me. i want to be the person that others seek out when they need to talk, need to exist, need to do life with someone.
i long to be one while i continually exist as the other. i'm determined to break free of the facade. and i'm trying day by day to do just that.
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