i genuinely miss it

i have tried for far to long to pretend like i don't miss performing. i am a member of an ensemble of music majors who don't give a shit about what they are doing. our group could be incredible, but no one cares. i don't know how to handle that. i really, honestly don't. i have memories of the group to which i belonged for four years, the group to which i still belong, of people who genuinely love to sing. people who love to perform. i am in love with music, with performing, with the idea that music is the great equalizer. people sing in latin and french and german and english just as people across the world do the same. i can sing in the affluence of belmont just as the children of sub-saharan africa sing in their poverty.

i miss being a part of something greater. i miss being on stage. i miss singing with other people who want to sing. i miss the costumes and the hair and the competition and the joy of victory. but i also miss the sweat and the tears and the rehearsals and the lectures. i want that again. and i don't think i'll be truly happy until i have it again. it is not some high school memory of which i can't let go. it is a piece of who i am. i'll never be a star performer. i'll never be a successful solo artist. but none of that matters to me. i don't want that. i just want one more opportunity to perform with a choir that loves what it does. that loves each other.