struggle for significance...

I've been trying to write a new blog for a while now. I want to be profound. I wish I had something to say. I even wrote this blog where I talk about how I'm not living out my passions right now. I am passionate about Artist Development. I am passionate about Christian Ethics. I am passionate about College Admissions. After reading this thing I wrote over again this morning, I decided not to post it. It was whiny. I complained a lot in it. That's not what I want to post on here.

Yeah, I miss working in Admissions at Belmont. But that path is pretty much shot to hell these days. I poured myself into that place, but when I left, everything I had worked toward began to crumble. There is an unbelievable lack of strong, genuine leadership there. If certain people would just step up, there could be some hope. But people are tired of fighting, so ineptitude continues to reign. It breaks my heart that I gave so much of myself there only to see it all be in vain. I know I should just smile and nod and still act like everything is good there to me. But I'm tired of playing games with those people.

I see myself as a theologian, or at least as a burgeoning theologian. I want to have a forum where I can express my ideas and engage in dialog with others about those ideas. But I keep running in to the same things. I'm too young. My ideas are too "out there." I need more school before people will take me seriously. Bullshit. Those are the same things I have heard my whole life. People just don't take me seriously. This, I believe, is mostly my own fault. Often times my eagerness screws me over. So I have a blog. That no one reads. I don't mean to discount those three or four faithful readers out there, but it just gets so frustrating wanting a forum to share your ideas and failing at ever pass.

I am not a kiss-ass in the college of Music Business at Belmont. I spent way too many years of my life kissing up to people to get ahead, and I'm just not going to do it. There are too many inflated egos in that program. I enjoy the artist development aspect of the music industry. I really do. I absolutely love working one-on-one with artists to help them discover who they are, not just as an artist, but also as a person. Because I don't brown-nose people in my program, I am ignored. I simply am not willing to go there. If that counts me out of having influence, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

So in turn, it looks like I have ended up whining about a lot of things. I promise that this is a much better worded rant than what I wrote last night. And, don't get me wrong. As I told my parents this weekend, I love my life. I really have so much going for me. It's just that these things are things that have been on my heart and mind. They are things that are incredibly difficult to express in spoken words. There you go. This is my struggle for significance.