i haven't really been in much of a blogging mood lately. it has been the most unusual semester of my entire life as i have learned more about myself than ever before. i really feel as though i'm coming into the most real version of who i am that i've ever encountered. the walls i have built around myself over time are quietly crumbling, and i am learning just how important it is to be, to exist in the fullness of who god created me to be. as i emerge from this semester better for my struggles, i have begun to understand what it means to wake up in the morning with purpose...every morning. and though that purpose changes from day to day, i still wake up with purpose. some days it's simply to get out of bed and go to work, but i make that work day the best i can.
the last few days have been admittedly difficult for me as the majority of my friends at belmont graduated, many of whom will not be returning to nashville this fall. it hurts my heart. do i regret my decision to stay on an extra semester? no. i know that it was the right decision for me, but it doesn't make it any less difficult to think about people i am extraordinarily close to not returning to my life in august. it's hard, and i don't like it, but i adapt and overcome. i will miss these people dearly, but i know that they are moving on to fulfill their dreams as i will do in six months.
i suppose i'm already living part of my dream for my life. i can honestly say that i know who i am. this is not some fantastical assertion that is meant to place me on a pedestal. i mean it in the most simple, most humble way i can. i really feel like i know myself. it hasn't been an overnight discovery, but it is most certainly the result of many years putting on facades meant to disguise the parts of me i couldn't handle. that's all over now. i know who i am, who i want to be. i'm done compromising that for my pride, for my sense of popularity or self-importance.
i think that this means the next six months until i graduate from belmont are going to amazing. they will be filled with new struggles, re-emerging struggles, and different challenges to overcome. i will have the opportunity to focus on the friends that are still here in nashville, to grow in those friendships as those friends teach me things about who i am that i have yet to discover. i'll get to begin making monumental decisions about my future.
in a way, i'm terrified about these decisions. but mostly i'm at peace. in retrospect, doubting god's direction for my life has never been a fruitful choice. god hasn't failed me yet, even in the darkest moments of my past, i can see now how god has worked to better me and to prepare me for the things that are next. seven years ago i responded to a call i felt on my life that god had some kind of vocational challenge for me. for the first time since then, i feel at home in church. this is not coincidence. i'm completely willing to believe that god has a plan for my life, and i'm looking forward to see how the last several years of my spiritual formation will impact that plan.
so, in the face of monumental changes, leaving friends, and, were i honest, a bit of fear about the future, i can't help but be excited. life, despite its constant struggles, is really good. i'm blessed.
