lately...

i haven't really been in much of a blogging mood lately. it has been the most unusual semester of my entire life as i have learned more about myself than ever before. i really feel as though i'm coming into the most real version of who i am that i've ever encountered. the walls i have built around myself over time are quietly crumbling, and i am learning just how important it is to be, to exist in the fullness of who god created me to be. as i emerge from this semester better for my struggles, i have begun to understand what it means to wake up in the morning with purpose...every morning. and though that purpose changes from day to day, i still wake up with purpose. some days it's simply to get out of bed and go to work, but i make that work day the best i can.

the last few days have been admittedly difficult for me as the majority of my friends at belmont graduated, many of whom will not be returning to nashville this fall. it hurts my heart. do i regret my decision to stay on an extra semester? no. i know that it was the right decision for me, but it doesn't make it any less difficult to think about people i am extraordinarily close to not returning to my life in august. it's hard, and i don't like it, but i adapt and overcome. i will miss these people dearly, but i know that they are moving on to fulfill their dreams as i will do in six months.

i suppose i'm already living part of my dream for my life. i can honestly say that i know who i am. this is not some fantastical assertion that is meant to place me on a pedestal. i mean it in the most simple, most humble way i can. i really feel like i know myself. it hasn't been an overnight discovery, but it is most certainly the result of many years putting on facades meant to disguise the parts of me i couldn't handle. that's all over now. i know who i am, who i want to be. i'm done compromising that for my pride, for my sense of popularity or self-importance.

i think that this means the next six months until i graduate from belmont are going to amazing. they will be filled with new struggles, re-emerging struggles, and different challenges to overcome. i will have the opportunity to focus on the friends that are still here in nashville, to grow in those friendships as those friends teach me things about who i am that i have yet to discover. i'll get to begin making monumental decisions about my future.

in a way, i'm terrified about these decisions. but mostly i'm at peace. in retrospect, doubting god's direction for my life has never been a fruitful choice. god hasn't failed me yet, even in the darkest moments of my past, i can see now how god has worked to better me and to prepare me for the things that are next. seven years ago i responded to a call i felt on my life that god had some kind of vocational challenge for me. for the first time since then, i feel at home in church. this is not coincidence. i'm completely willing to believe that god has a plan for my life, and i'm looking forward to see how the last several years of my spiritual formation will impact that plan.

so, in the face of monumental changes, leaving friends, and, were i honest, a bit of fear about the future, i can't help but be excited. life, despite its constant struggles, is really good. i'm blessed.

alright...i'm giving myself a chance

today i started p90x...i'm pretty thrilled about this. feel free to follow my journey:

http://dan-p90x.blogspot.com/

sweet...

graduation

today is belmont's graduation. it is strange to think that one year from today a huge number of my friends will be graduating, and i will sitting in the bleachers watching them pass by. there is no part of me that regrets the fact that it will take me 4 1/2 years to complete my degree. yet there is a part of me that regrets the fact that it is not taking some of my friends that long.

but today is a happy occasion as all of my new roommates are granted their diplomas. it is funny to me that a large portion of my friends, much like in high school, are older than me. some graduated last year, but most of those older friends will graduate today. it is harder to believe that brandon, blake, jamie, and james (the new roommates...minus james who is getting married tomorrow) are all getting ready to head into the "real" world. even harder to wrap my mind around is the forthcoming lack of seeing certain people in the SOR lounge on a regular basis.

i am actually fairly good with change. in fact, i welcome it on most occasions. but graduations (less often my own than others seeing as the only one i've ever had left me elated to be free of sphs) have a tendency to leave me a bit sad. it's like hermione says in the less-than-sub-standard goblet of fire movie adaptation, "everything is going to change now, isn't it?" well, everything is going to change now...as it does each semester. people finish their college education and are thrown in myriad directions. it is my most sincere prayer that all of these people would find prosperity and joy in the journeys that have ahead of them.

changing things up

so i promise i'm not copying my friend ann by changing the look of my blog, or by changing the theme color to green...i just happened to have decided to make this change.

there is actually reasoning behind it. belmont has been caught up in this whole going green thing for some time now. i'll be the first to admit that it seems a bit forced at times and a little too publicity-driven at other times (i mean, come on, our grass is one of the greenest things about our university and that doesn't exactly speak toward our water conservation efforts). however, my recent forays into the environmentally friendly landscape have offered new insights on how i see the world.

so much, in fact, that i have joined up with the new belmont community garden wherein i will have a plot for growing things like tomatoes (which i don't eat but will grow while wearing a funny hat so i can give them to people...steel magnolia reference), rosemerry, mint, beans, etc. i'm unbelievably excited about this opportunity. i'm also taking eco-justice and faith this fall with one of my favorite professors who happens to be the head of the belmont go-green initiative. one of our texts for this class will be the green bible. i'm a fair bit thrilled at the prospect of taking this class and growing in a deeper understanding of how my belief in god should inform my view of god's creation.

so i now have a visually green blog. it's quite honestly mostly an aesthetic choice. the whole black motif was getting depressing, and i needed a change of scenery. that's all i have for now, but expect to see many updates (or, dare i say it, another blog altogether) about my growing (small pun intended) awareness of the natural world around me.

a poem...

tomorrow sun
by me

if tomorrow is like yesterday
then i'll be hoping today will never come
as the days slip around me with hushed steps

"i'm really okay," i whisper to the
slinky breeze that would tousle
my hair if i had any left

it's not like i didn't expect time
to keep moving on without me or
at least without my consent

but it's really okay this time
for me to move on to something new
without looking back too hard or too often

the future isn't that bleak or that exciting
this time around as i make the decision
to just keep going forward

i put my hand in yours and feel
the breeze whispering sweet words of
comfort in my ears

and you pull me along in spite
of where i tell myself i want to be
in this messy dénouement

you make me okay with today
when i can't reconcile it in my own
tumultuous minding game

so we press forward with each step
and move away from our shadows and
into tomorrow's sun

how exactly does one coordinate worship?

it is a well-known fact back in hoover that i led worship for my church youth group. this is not necessarily a well-known fact at belmont. it is a well-known fact at belmont that i have issues with musical worship. this is not necessarily a well-known fact back in hoover.

where is this leading? for too long these two aspects of myself have been separated. i miss leading in worship. i can't really stand what musical worship has become. where does that leave me? it is quite a conundrum.

an interesting prospect was put before me today. it is a well-known fact that i think the world of my university ministers. i think they are incredible, and they give me spiritual direction in spite of myself (and in spite of the fact that i don't always listen to what they have to say). but today guy put the idea in my mind to apply to be a worship coordinator at belmont.

yeah. he's crazy. really. because who in their right mind would suggest that i be in leadership over times of musical worship???

but then i started to think about it even further. guy and i had talked about my renewed passion for liturgy and sacred practices which got me thinking about how i could have an influence on reshaping the worship experience at belmont. how cool is that? i just have to weigh that against other commitments for next year and other sacrifices that would would allow me to serve in a leadership position with university ministries. there is also the distinct likelihood that i would have to, at some point, deal with people that i just don't agree with on worship (and myriad other things). and sometimes even people who just plain piss me off. it happens. especially when i'm involved in something that has church roots.

anyway...i have a lot to think about on this.

could it really be that easy?

i have, all of a sudden, found myself surrounded by guys who i consider friends. to be quite honest, it has come as a complete surprise. i can't tell yet if i've let my guard down a little or if these guys just don't care.

i have a couple of guys that i have breakfast with once a week. we talk about life and love and hobbies. and we talk about scripture. right now we're in judges because i kind of feel like the old testament gets neglected. we sit and enjoy runny caf eggs and chocolate milk. anyone is welcome to the table. i look forward to that time every week.

i have a workout buddy that has become a bit of a bromance. whether it be ensemble rehearsal or gym time i see him almost every day of the week...completely by accident. we invite our girlfriends to go on our dates sometimes. all four of us (me, him, and both our girlfriends) are going to cape town, south africa together in may. and, yes, we are going to be buff one day.

i have a friend who may very well be a younger (and much cooler) version of me. it is a bit odd really. he knows how to have fun, but we can also have deep discussions about faith and god that stagger even the cynic in me. he also makes me go to accounting which, in and of itself, is a miraculous appointment. i am as much enamored of his coolness as i am humbled by his attitude for life. its a winning combination.

and then there is my best friend. my brother. i think he and i have experienced enough extremes together in life to realize that, in some form or fashion, we will always have to be in each other's life. we understand each other enough to be okay in disagreement. we also have the same sense of humor which gets us into more trouble than should be legal (and sometimes isn't). i honestly do not know what i would do without him. he is a blessing in my life.

so, i guess i can't whine about not having guys in my life that i connect with. it was easier than i expected, and (as i always predicted) it came out of nowhere.

"Be Brilliant"

“Be brilliant!”

It is a small urging that is packed with yearning, affection, and (to be quite honest) inescapable sternness. It is a statement that we grew all too familiar with during our sophomore year of high school, a statement we more often than not failed to follow. It was, of course, joined by sayings like “carpe diem” which were tossed to us not-to-casually by an educator like I have never since encountered.

Ms. Susan Bank was a bastion of knowledge packed into the body of a little woman. She was fairly easy to please as long as you put forth your very best effort. Though, admittedly, I rarely put forth the effort her class deserved. She was a professor of literature and writing. She was a scholar of scholars. And she was a tenth grade honors English teacher in an Alabama public high school. She introduced us to the likes of Ayn Rand and her anthem, Henry James’s naughty turning screw, Stephen Crane and his courageous blood-stained badge, and Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s heartwarming little prince.

I was consistently staggered by the depth of her knowledge and insight. She was stern. And I’ll be the first to admit that I vituperated against her on more occasions than I care to discuss. As always though, one comes away from a learning experience with more than he or she ever realizes is possible. Either way, we always knew that her goal was to impart as much of her storehouse of knowledge and wisdom to us as she possibly could.

On Saturday, January 29, 2005, Ms. Bank passed away having fought a brief but bitter battle with cancer. I sat slumped against a cold concrete wall in Auburn, Alabama, listening to a tearful message from Jill Sturgeon, another English teacher at my high school. I sat in the bitter cold that January evening, tears streaming down my face in utter shock. I remember the stillness around me, the quiet. No sounds but my hushed sobs could be heard. The land of tears is, after all, a secret place.

Losing Ms. Bank was my first true foray into grief. Since her death I have lost several more people in my life to sickness and tragedy. The beautiful irony of those struggles is that I have always come back to The Little Prince to ease my pain. It almost feels like she took time out of our sophomore year to prepare us for the eventuality of experiencing death, though I doubt she knew it would be her own.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t make use of some form of Ms. Bank’s teachings. Sometimes it’s simply telling myself to “be brilliant.” Other times I throw words like “boondoggle” or “cogitate” into conversation. Other evenings find me curled up on my couch with Anthem in hand. And every time I prepare to kill a cockroach I think of Metamorphosis. These were not idle lessons but living instructions, mind-expanding teachings. And I am not only a better student, but a better person because of them.

Thank you Ms. Bank.

freedom and justice for all

“i have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: ‘we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.’

i have a dream that one day on the red hills of georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

i have a dream that one day even the state of mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

i have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

tomorrow barack obama will be sworn in as president of the united states of america. tomorrow, for the first time in history, a black man will hold the highest office in our nation. tomorrow part of dr. king’s dream will be realized. i am a white man who was born and raised in the south. i am educated. i am a christian.

and i am dumbfounded by the rhetoric that still exists in my southern home of alabama. today i read the phrase, “america can quit belaboring the civil rights movement now.” i don’t even know what to do with that statement. i cannot even process it fully. is this really where we are? do we really find ourselves in this place?

sometimes i sit and process through what i know about my history. how do i fit into the story of america? i am a twenty-year-old white male from alabama. i was born and raised southern baptist. i was educated in one of the finest public school systems in the southeast. i am enrolled in a prestigious mid-sized university in tennessee. there i am pursuing degrees in music business and religious studies. i am an immigrant. and even though my family immigrated from england and germany so far back i cannot even tell you the year or the generation, i am, like almost every american, an immigrant.

over the last few years i have found myself confronted with issues of poverty, justice, race, gender, preservation of the environment, etc. i have spent time assessing my belief systems and reorganizing my positions on everything from how i like my eggs cooked to what church should look like.

i used to be exceptionally confrontational when someone brought my beliefs into question. i cannot count how many times i slammed a fist onto a lunch table while arguing in middle and high school. that’s not who i am anymore. i don’t like to argue. i don’t like to lambast the beliefs of others. it just isn’t who i am. i can respect just about any belief held by someone. i can respect those who voted for john mccain just as easily as those who voted for barack obama.

i cannot, however, stand idly by when the concept of civil rights is called into question. the fight is not over for social equality. it’s not just about black and white. women still stand a heads length below men in most arenas. latinos are maligned on a level not seen since the early struggles of the 1960s. native americans have never been given proper due in this country.

so do not tell me that the civil rights movement has been belabored.

as to the bible, it speaks of how we were all created in the image of god. that places us all on an equal level in the eyes of god. no matter gender, race, or social class. we are all children of god. and thus we all have rights to equality. but it goes beyond that. look around you. this nation is made up of parts and pieces that make it whole. american culture is as varied as the people who comprise this country.

and for my southern brothers and sisters who are worried about losing your heritage: i will go out on a limb and assure you that black democrats are not trying to take away your antebellum dresses or your camouflage hats.

so while i prefer not to be confrontational, i simply cannot stand silent when ignorance reigns. it violates my very core beliefs and values. the civil rights movement is not over as long as people are told they are less than equal members of our society because of their race, gender, or social class. and i will fight for the equality anyone who is subjugated by our society, whether they are black, white, male, female, straight, gay, etc. everyone counts here.

“and if america is to be a great nation, this must become true.”

-quotations from dr. king’s “i have a dream”-

really? more of this?

i haven't blogged in a while. i have no excuses really. i'm back in school which is good...except for the assignments part. i'm working several hours a week which means i'll have an income again at some point. i'm getting ready to start back to weight watchers so i can refocus and start working toward a healthier me again. i'm gonna workout again this semester. i have an amazing girlfriend. my life is good. maybe that's why i haven't blogged. maybe that means it's time for me to start writing some prose or poetry...less stream-of-consciousness bitching...i can be okay with that...

worship?

i am completely unable to comprehend the depths to which my spiritual upheaval grows more interesting with every passing day. on one hand i am struggling at every turn with every theological issue in existence (thanks Belmont SOR). i have beliefs i hold that would make the most fundamental southern baptist feel a chill run up his spine...and despite popular belief, that's not just because i like a good argument. quite the contrary, but that's a blog for another time. i have no problem holding beliefs with which others do not agree. i do not find that to be a problem until others make it a problem. sometimes i wonder how logical i can be when it comes to religion, always the small voice in the back of my mind whispering the word "faith" and shaking a proverbial finger at me.

but i love to worship my god. especially through music. here i am at a retreat in the middle of pitsniff, fl (not really...i think its like fruit park or something like that...the point is that we're in the middle of nowhere) in the midst of a winter retreat geared toward middle and high schoolers where the commonly shared doctrine stands (more often than not) in stark contrast to my own personal theology. and yet i just stood in the back of the chapel and let myself give my full body over to the worship of my god through song and dance. my body was a living sacrifice of worship in the moment.

is it so strange to be a student of religion in the academy and still stand in awe of god? i have such conflict here. the more i study, the more screwed up i become. i grow consistently distant from the tradition of my upbringing. i get more and more frustrated with the state of the church. i was told by a pastor three years ago, "the state of the church is the state of our hearts." man. that's a packed statement. but i don't know if i can believe that's true until the church realizes as a whole that it is. that was poorly worded.

i can believe that the state of the church is the state of my heart all i want, but it won't change things until everyone in the church believes that too. so...i don't really know what i meant to talk about here. but i do know that i worshipped god tonight. and it was amazing. it was shocking. it was humbling. it was painful. it was confusing. but maybe that's how worship always should be.

on retreats, sunrise, and theology

i love going on retreats. especially with junior high and high school students. that's where i am this week. i get to enjoy watching some students experience god in new ways and other encounter god in old ways. it is beautiful. i have thoroughly missed working with students.

this morning i woke up at the crack of dawn to watch the sunrise over the lake. it was breathtaking. i quite honestly hate mornings, and considering my body told me it was 5am (we're and hour ahead here in florida) i was amazed that i actually got up. but it was totally worth it. sunrises are a thin place for me, a place where i can feel god up close. i am fairly certain that this week is going to be filled with those thin places.

on the complete other end of the spectrum, i'm with a group of students from a church when most of my beliefs would either be considered (wrongly) heretical or unimportant. i've already once been told by an adult on the trip that i'm only twenty, so my opinions are bound to change so i really should hold on to my current beliefs too strongly. i'm only twenty. because that means i'm unable to have worked through some of my beliefs. it is frustrating, but i am relying on god to keep me honest and respectful. i have refused to argue about social, political, and theological issues thus far (even though several have tried to bait me into these arguments), and i don't plan for that to change.

but the good definitely overbears the bad. and i'm honestly relieved to be here.

what words are there for a tragedy

i just spent three days surrounded by grief. it was a tight, intense envelope that pushed in from all sides. it did not suspend joy. it did not bar laughter. but it was still tangible. i watched a mother mourn so hard that she was physically in pain. i watched family and friends surround each other with a pure, unhindered outpouring of love. i watched my best friend be the head of his family, helping them to put one foot in front of the other. i had the opportunity to stand in the thin moment between the breaking and healing of hearts. it was remarkable. it was humbling.

today i heard my best friend say that blood does not make a family. i saw him broken at the loss of his brother. i saw him lead his family in the beginning of the healing process. i embraced him and was reminded what brotherhood was. i realized that all this time he has always been my brother, always been that friend i was seeking. i had simply forgotten.

in the midst of it all i was able to meet new friends and form new bonds. i was able to laugh through my sorrow, and i was able to cry through my pain. after all, laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. i learned lessons on justice and freedom. i felt needed. i felt wanted. but most importantly, i felt present. there was not a single moment where i was in another world or engrossed in some introspective fantasy. i was able to be myself. and i like it. i liked that i felt affirmed by showing love to people who were hurting.

these few days i have been reminded how blessed i am to have a god who is present in sorrow. thursday i railed against him and his transcendent arrogance. today i fell before him and his immanent love. i helped carry the casket of a young man who touched my life, who touched the lives of many. i carried the casket of a young man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

in a few minutes i'm going to go to bed. i'm going to fall into a deep sleep that will end one of the longest days of my life. tomorrow i will reenter the real world a different person. my thoughts are raw and unorganized, and i know the coming days will give me time to process through the emotions i have felt this weekend. but for now there are no words left to me. i am empty. i am drained. i am dried up. but i am alive. and i thank god for that gift.

this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

There aren’t words enough to express loss on such a scale. There are wounds so deep that love can’t help but flow freely from them. When someone is taken so violently from us that whiplash is the initial response, it is impossible to find reason in the midst of the ensuing emotional chaos. I, for one, petition God as to why death can happen like it does. I scroll through every theological concept I have ever studied and flip through every article or book on grief within reach to struggle through the drowning flood of sorrow. I find that no answers ever come to me in that way. Ever. So then I take the route I always end up taking in the end. I reflect on the person I have lost, not the manner in which I lost him.

Derek was a spirit of creativity. Since our first meeting, my mind has been boggled at his unique capacity for genuine humor, be it innocent or not (and quite honestly the latter always made my day). He had more imagination in his pinky than I did in my whole body. I was consistently amazed at his propensity to take something as random as a tube sock and create a character that drove people to laughter. Derek was perpetual motion embodied, and I always experienced him as this blur of color, the mini-me of my best friend. And let me tell you, Derek and Taylor together was more dangerous than playing hacky-sack with nitroglycerine. The dynamic duo of the Massey brothers never ceased to amaze me. I can typically keep Taylor from getting into too much of a mess, but Derek was always the inextinguishable fuse that lit the dynamite of their pairing.

Albus Dumbledore once remarked, “The ones we love never truly leave us.” I think Derek would appreciate that sentiment. He had a profound effect on the people who knew him, and it was impossible to know him and not feel better for it. I know that, personally, his legacy of creativity, ingenuity, and pure humor will always resonate with my soul. Derek thrived when put on the spot, whether through wildly entertaining prank calls, ask Stanley, or the production of the most laboriously low-budget superhero indie film ever created. It is impossible for me to mourn the loss of Derek without immediately thinking of all the joy he brought to my own life in the time I knew him.

There is a line in a song that seems so perfect in this moment: the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. Rest in peace Derek. And because I know you’d appreciate it, may the Force be with you.

wesa gonna speed yousa away*

today at 2pm i will finish my last class of the semester. i figured it was a good time to sit and reflect on some things from this fall that stand out as fairly signifcant.

first, i should mention, that this semester has absolutely flown by. i cannot in recent memory recall a span of time moving by so quickly. it honestly seems like yesterday i was on the university ministries leadership retreat. it seems like moments ago i was in africa. it quite frankly scares me to death that life is moving by at such a pace. i know that i'm only 20, but each year moves by a little faster.

now that that's out of the way, taking stock of this semester brings several things to mind.

1. i am simply made to work for university admissions. i love it. i am passionate about it. i can quite honestly see myself enjoying a tenure as an admissions officer (preferrably at belmont).
2. i cannot go another semester without being in a choir. i took this semester off from pops, and the musician in me has violently reacted against this. next semester i'll make my triumphant return to a musical ensemble that pales in comparison to the group that is so dear to my heart...but i have to sing. i'm just wired that way
3. i had a record number of theology-related freakouts this semester, everything from my worthlessness as a theologian to my inability to write competitively. it was both an illuminating semester and a challenging one in that area.
4. i have a girlfriend who challenges me and humbles me. i wonder more often than not how it is that i'm so blessed. for some reason my imperfections are ignored (or in some cases exploited) by her. it truly boggles the mind.
5. my family is my rock. in spite of my craziness they stand by me and behind me. my parents are easily becoming two of my best friends which kind of freaks me out. it makes me wish that kids were able to have that kind of relationship with their parents more quickly.
6. i don't like this whole living in california thing my sister and brother-in-law are up to. it's way too far away for my tastes. i do love where they live though, and the magic of skype has been a godsend in this process. all that aside, i still don't like this whole long-distance brothering thing...and i thought hoover to chattenooga was long-distance!
7. i am growing tired of my cyclical relationship with the church. it quite frankly pisses me off that i can't make up my mind on whether i like church or not. i know that's an ever-continuous process, but i would be very appreciative if it would all just workout. however, i have coined a few memorable quotes along the line...my favorite being: "tony jones is the like the jerry falwell of the emerging church."

so that's a little list of reflections. i'm sure there will be more stream-of-consciousness reflection on my part by the time exams are over. oh exams...why...

*ok...for all you hardcore star wars fans, i apologize for the jar jar binks quote above...however, it is an appropriate title