Definitions...

I have encountered increasing pleas to define what Emergent means. There is some debate over whether "emergent" and "emerging" are synonymous. From my perspective, I view them as such. The emerging church movement being made up of emergent Christians...or something like that. While I think it is nearly impossible to define what the Emerging Church is, Wikipedia does a fairly decent job of it.
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The emerging church is a controversial 21st-century Protestant Christian movement whose participants seek to engage postmodern people, especially the unchurched and post-churched. To accomplish this, "emerging Christians" seek to deconstruct and reconstruct Christian beliefs, standards, and methods to fit in the postmodern mold. Proponents of this movement call it a "conversation" to emphasize its developing and decentralized nature. The predominantly young participants in this movement prefer narrative presentations drawn from their own experiences and biblical narratives over propositional, Bible exposition. Emergent methodology includes frequent use of new technologies such as multimedia and the Internet. Their acceptance of diversity and reliance on open dialogue rather than the dogmatic proclamation found in historic Christianity leads emerging church Christians to diverse beliefs and morality.
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Critics of the movement are often conservative evangelical theologians and pastors who disagree with the movement's embrace of postmodernism, believing such a worldview leads emergents to unorthodox theology, relativism, antinomianism, universalism, and syncretism. These critics frequently associate emergent theology with the liberal theology that has historically been at odds with Christian fundamentalism and Evangelicalism.
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Emergent Christians often see themselves as bridging the divide between conservative evangelical Christianity and liberal mainline Christianity.

I cannot find my place among the believers

The title really says it all. I simply have found that whenever I look for a place among the believers around me I do not find a connection of any kind. I form connections individually, but when I try to apply those on a grander scheme, there is nothing. I don't know why this is. I feel as though my heart is open. I feel like I am pouring myself out. But nothing comes of it. Maybe I'm over-analyzing it all. But for some reason, it seems like there has to be someone out there who can understand where I'm coming from. Someone has to understand the concept that I cannot stand church, but I am longing for community. That I want to discuss the possibility that things can be done differently without being called a heretic. Does anyone else out there understand? Please, tell me if you do!

Easter...?

Easter...
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Hmm...
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Ok...I guess my feelings are kind of mixed. I haven't really been to church in a couple of months. I think that is pretty much because I hate going to church. I long for a church where I feel I can serve God in any capacity that He deems me worthy of. However, I have yet to find the church where I feel I can truly worship. Anyway...this past Sunday was Easter. I didn't go to church. It felt no different from any other day. And I kind of feel like that is how it should be.
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Where did the rule come from that said we are supposed to go out and buy a brand new, ridiculously expensive outfit to show off in front of the biggest church crowd apart from Christmas Eve? I have never understood that one. And why are we so wrapped up in the death of Christ. I'm pretty sure that His ministry was centered around his life. In fact, the word salvation never appears in any of the accounts of Jesus' torture, death, or resurrection. So, I'm pretty sure He wants us to focus on our lives, and His.
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All that said, I had an incredible Easter spent with my family away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. It was an incredible day...and not because it was Easter.

I can't get enough

How can I be so self-serving and hypocritical? I live a life that is full of contradiction and without honor. Or justice. Or integrity. I live a loathing life of sin and disparity. I do not honor my God. But does he hear me anymore? Can he? After all I have done and said and been…and pretended to be. I do not deserve to live.
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I look at Ty and Levi and see that they need support. But where is it? Where is the church that we helped? Where are those that we were to be supported by? Are they too good? Was I too good? I am pompous. I am a jerk. And I am stuck in a rut.
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I throw the small pebble. It is the largest thing I can find at my feet to throw. I sneer at the bloodied man pulling himself with unattainable strength up the hillside. It is all I can find to throw. And so I offer to take the hammer and drive the spike through his hands. I want to bring him pain…to see him cry out in agony. I enjoy the sound of the crunching bone and ripping flesh that comes from the metal stake pushing through his hand. His cries bring a grin to my face. He looks at me, compassion in his eyes. For a moment I begin to whisper that I am sorry. I stop myself. I am not sorry. If I was sorry, I wouldn’t be moving around to hammer the other nail in. The criminal’s blood is flowing freely now. The armored guards tell me to hurry up, so I do. I make quick work of his feet and watch them hoist him up above me. I wipe the blood from my hands and spit it from my mouth onto the rocks at the bottom of the wooden spires. I turn my back on him and walk away.
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They tell me that he rose from the dead. Eh. So what if he did? Its not like it makes that much of a difference to me. We can crucify him again. He didn’t fight the first time. Why would he fight a second time? Or a third. A fourth. And so on. Every time I drive the nails in it gets easier. The blood is easier to get off.
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I don’t even cry afterwards anymore. That first time, I cried a lot. I got to the bottom of the hill, and completely broke down. By the time I had clamored to the top, it was over. His body was gone. There was just the blood. I laid down in it. Soaked my body in it, sobbing for mercy. Now, I just wait on the hillside until I see him breathe his last breath. Then, I walk down the hill and wait for him to rise again. So that I can crucify him, again. Or stone him. Or shoot him, or hang him, or electrocute him. The methods have gotten less messy but more effective. It’s a lot easier to kill him now.
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But it’s not the killing that does it for me. I just like to see the agony in his eyes. That’s why I favored the original method. The agony lasted longer. Sure, the shooting was good. The stoning was ok. But, crucifixion? There was no better method than that.
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I feel like this is me. It is like I can’t get enough of punishing Christ for the crap I do. I can’t help but think that every time I do something bad or wrong or unjust or against his will for me, that I am killing him, watching the light go from his eyes. But what do I do about this? I don’t know.
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My God, my God. Why have I forsaken you?

Do People Think I'm Crazy?

"Either Christianity itself is flawed, failing, untrue, or our modern, Western, commercialized, industrial-strength version of it is in need of a fresh look, a serious revision.

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You can't talk about this sort of thing with just anybody. People worry about you. They may think you're changing sides, turning traitor. They may talk about you as if you came down with some communicable disease. So you keep this sort of thing like a dirty secret, this doubt that is not really a doubt about God or Jesus or faith but about our take on God, our version of Jesus, our way of faith. You let it out only when you feel you have found someone you can trust.

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And when you do, and the other person says, 'I can't believe you're saying this. I ahve felt the same way, but I thought I was the only one' - that's a good moment. Relief. Company. Affirmation. It's like you're both pieces of a flint, and when your secrets strike on another, a spark of hope flies. 'Maybe we're not crazy. Maybe there's a better way. Maybe there's a new way of being a Christian.'"

-from A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren-

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I guess this passage from this INCREDIBLE book sums up my thoughts. I am so afraid to breach this subject with other people because I am afraid people would look at me and say, "Oh my gosh! You have totally lost it!" I am not exactly a person who worries about what other people think. But when it comes to where I am in my faith and walk with God, I so long for a kindred spirit. I want someone to talk to about all this. About how I don't enjoy going to church because I have yet to find a church in which I really worship God because He is God, and not because I am "supposed" to worship. Maybe I am really off base. Except that I've had a couple of those moments mentioned above, those, "Yeah, I totally understand" moments. I've just never really followed through with them. I want to follow through with them. I just have never really found anyone else who really wants to dig deeply into those thoughts and pick them apart. Maybe some day soon.

Yearn

Yearn

by Shane Barnard

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Holy design

This place in time

That I might seek your face, my God

My God

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Lord I want to yearn for You

I want to burn with passion

Over You, and only You

Lord I want to yearn for You

I want to burn with passion

Over You, and only You

Lord I want to yearn

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Your joy is mine

Yet why am i fine

With all my singing and bringing grain

In light of Him

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Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You
Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You
Lord I want to yearn

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Oh You give life and breath

In You we live and move

That's why I sing

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Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You
Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You
Lord I want to yearn

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On January 1st of 2006 I made this song my song of purpose. I wanted it to be so true of me. I have since failed miserably at making that so. But I know that it is still the desire of my heart and soul. I want so desparately to follow through with that yearning, that desire. So I guess in this inagural post I am simply offering my intentions. I am newly transformed from a conservative southern baptist to something new...I don't even know what to call myself. Of course, that is not to say there is anything wrong with conservative southern baptists. In fact, I believe that is the biggest thing I have learned in the last two years. I cannot point my finger at any one denomination or political affiliation, etc, and say that they are wrong because I have no jurisdiction to do so. I can only look at myself and give myself compeltely to God and the work He may have set for me. Which is a scary concept because that could mean anything. So, I am taking my leap of faith. A real one. And I will see where it takes me.

definition of me

who am i?

a year ago i was broadening my mind to new ways of thought. i was entering the second semester of my senior year of high school, wondering what was coming next. i was still recovering from the shock of events that had happened four years before in my life. i had a broken heart. i had a broken spirit. i was searching for something new and exciting. i was making resolutions i would not keep.

today i was wondering if new ways of thought are all that new. i was preparing to enter the second semester of my feshman year of college, begging god to help me decide on what is next. i was realizing that this christmas showed me that a lot has healed in the last five years. i had a broken heart. i had a broken spirit. i was trying to decide if my search for relevance would ever return fruits. i was breaking resolutions i intended to keep.

so, what does this all say about me?

i am tired of being mediocre. i am tired of feeling irrelevant. i am tired of having a broken heart. i am tired of the future. i am tire of the past. i am tired of searching. i am tired of resolutions.

so even though it is only the fifth day of the year, i am already longing for something new.

i am at the point in my life where i wonder about everything i have ever believed. do i really believe it? am i having a good ole crisis of faith? why is it that i come back to a life i once lived and can no longer fit into it? i sat at home most of my break from college longing to go back. i sat at home surrounded by a family who loves me wondering what would happen if i told them everything that has been going on in my life. i love them and they love me, but they do not understand what is going on in my life because i dont even understand it.

i have a loving sister and almost brother-in-law that are the dearest things in my life right now. i have two wonderful parents who want the best for me, even if they dont listen to what i think that is right now. i have an incredible aunt who loves me unconditionally and has helped to make me who i am today. i have incredible cousins who radiate joy. i have one cousin that i have never seen happier because he has found the love of his life.

so, why is it that i still seem so unsatisfied? what more could i want? what more could i need?

is anything else bothering me?

no...translation? everything in my life is bothering me and i dont know why.