ah...home

it is weird being home. my friends here are not my friends that i left at home three months ago. they are still wonderful. but we are all different. my family is not the family i left at home three months ago. but they still put the fun in dysfunctional. my life is not the life i left at home three months ago. i dont have a "but" for that one. life is ever changing i realize. i am not discontent. no way. i love where i am and who i am becoming. but, i guess i just saw this break differently than how it went. i wanted to rest and read and spend time with my sister and my friends. the funny thing is that, right now, the first two didnt happen. my sister is in nashville right now, and my friends who live in nashville arent there right now. but my friends who live in birmingham are not around. i mean, i know i havent been particularly available with my time, but my phone does ring.

i was glad to see jeremy. i think of anyone, i have missed him the most. i had forgotten how comfortable i feel around him. we are so different, but at the same time so great together. he is a friend that will never leave me, no matter how long we are apart.

i dont really know what to make of this time i have spent at home. it has been good. but i just wish it had been more wonderful. i am beginning to realize that i cant get my hopes up for christmas break.

my struggle with me

My Struggle with Me
by Daniel Ritter

I need go away from here
and find a sweet release
to withdraw inside myself,
to rediscover peace.

Its been so long since I've had rest.
I need to go and be.
Until whats best reveals itself
in a form that I may see.

Its lonely on this mountainside
surrounded by the snow.
But I'll keep moving silently
against my self-same foe.

I am my enemy,
and my enemy is strong.
Though I may be weak before his might,
my enemy is wrong.

So I will battle up this hill
with each breath I give.
Till I see home on the other side,
where, finally, in peace I'll live.

in response to wit

it is a quiet place, the land of tears.” – the little prince –

for those of you who did not know her (which is all of you), susan bank was an easy person to please, as long as you did your best. so, naturally, my tenth grade honors english class had a hard time pleasing her. she was our english professor, for simply calling her a teacher does not seem to fit. we were a college class reading college literature with a children’s book thrown in for effect. there were days when i thought she was the wisest person that had walked the earth; there were days i wanted to kill her. however, one thing was consistent: she was there to impart as much of her immense knowledge to us as she could.

she spent every day filling our minds with new, innovative thought that we did not understand. some still don't. she wished us to find ourselves instead of letting others do the work for us. her strict, deep, and powerful love was more than we could have imagined.

and yet we still took it for granted. it was about mid-may 2004 when we walked into class to find a ms. bank that, while strong in disposition, was weak at heart. it was on that day that she revealed the horrible news that she had contracted colon cancer. however, her prognosis was hopeful. we left that summer believing that nothing could go ill. when we returned in the fall, she was at school, but the treatments were not going well. her first surgery had not been a success, but she was still, as ever, strong-willed. she returned after another failed surgery a few weeks later. once again she was forced to leave because of her health. it was the last time she would teach at my high school.

on thursday, january 27th, ms. bank was sent home to be put in hospice. on friday, january 28th, she went into a coma, and on saturday, january 29th, 2005, ms. bank passed away.

i give you this back story so that you can understand what i am about to write. this is not the journal that dr. davis wants, perhaps. however, it is the only thing that i can find to write.
my thoughts right now are as infinite and raw as the tears rolling down my cheeks at the moment. wit struck a nerve with me like nothing has in a long time. i did not realize how tender the wound was from the loss of ms. bank. i saw her in vivian bearing. the agonizing inner thoughts and physical pains portrayed in wit tore at my very soul. it was nearly unbearable. you see, i was unable to get the full effect of the movie because my mind continuously refocused on ms. bank and the picture i began to get of her suffering in the hospital. or maybe, because of that, i did get the full effect.

the scene that truly broke me was at the end when her former mentor…(pause, pardon the following lanuage)…damn it. i am crying again. hold on…(a couple of minutes pass)…i think i have composed myself for the time being. when her former mentor came in and asked if she wanted to hear donne. when the negative grunt came and e.m. ashford pulled out the children’s book instead, i no longer was able to hold back the flood of tears. my soul was crushed as i remembered our study of the little prince by antoine de saint-exupery under ms. bank. it was her favorite book, not only to teach, but to read. the calming of a children’s book. still so dear to the heart of an academic powerhouse.

i am rambling, and i know it, but i felt i should respond. just after the movie ended, i went to bongo java, bought a “thrilla,” and sat down with a pad and pen. i wrote:

death be not proud. be not proud of the work you can do. you are, in yourself, a paradox. so arrogant and humble. powerfully weak. full of hunger. death, be not proud.

i don’t know what to even make of my own words. are they profound or are they shallow? i don’t know. i guess what i am trying to say is that, so far, this was both my favorite movie and the one i hate the most. it moved me in ways i had forgotten i could be moved. how it relates to having a mind of my own? i suppose the simple fact that part of my “own mind” was influenced by this very special woman.

i am a lord of the sith

though my name i am unsure of, i have come to this conclusion. indeed, i am a dark lord of the sith, or at least on my way to becoming one. don't balk! it’s not necessarily a bad thing. a true sith. not like qordis or sidious. more like bane or vectivus. the distinction? quite profound actually. if i may make reference to the biography of darth bane.

"bane didn't react. he was dealing with the emotional pain in the only way he knew how. the same way he'd dealt with it as a child. he withdrew into himself, tried to make himself invisible to avoid the scorn and derision of others."

so is the way of the true sith, to a point. they must withdraw; reflect, though, unlike the jedi, they must grow from this reflection.

"those who use the dark side are also bound to serve it. to understand this is to understand the underlying philosophy of the sith." - darth revan -

the dark side does not corrupt unless one lets it. this was the trap sidious and vader fell into.

"two there should be; no more, no less. one to embody the power, the other to crave it." - darth bane -

and i will take it a step forward than bane and his successors did. there should be only two. but there can be multiples of them. always one master and one apprentice. but there can be many of these pairs as long as they do not conflict.

but am i a pupil, or am i the teacher. or am i both, and the two struggle within?

maybe that is it:

darth tiro

for i am a learner.

(footnote: these are fictional rantings, not true beliefs of the author...they were brought about after reading "path of destruction" by drew karpyshyn)

the state of the church is the state of our hearts

church...

it has been a dirty word in my vocabulary for some time now. church has never served the purpose for me that i think it was intended to serve. it has not been a place for me to go and worship god, but an obligation. it has not been a place of refuge but a place of comittment and leadership. it has not been a place of freedom, but a place of tradition and imprisonment. it has been the opposite of what i believe it should be.

until now.

i have found a church that is a place of refuge. it is a place where i can worship. it is a place of freedom. i have not been moved to tears by a chruch service in years. then today, during a "state of the church" address, not even a typical sermon, but the kind of service you typically try to avoid, i was touched so deeply that i cried. it leads me to ask:

where has this place been?

every misgiving i had worn about church has vanished, and in its place i feel relief. i feel the presence of god. and it is both moving and frightening. because, for the first time in my life, i feel truly, and completely, led to a church. a church. the very place i swore two months ago i would never be a part of again.

but god is funny about that. he likes to throw us curve balls. and i am beginning to be ok with that. not like i have a choice.

the point made today was that the "state of the church" is found in the state of our hearts. for the church is not a building, but the people that make it up. i have heard this statement my entire life. today was the first time i have actually felt it genuinely believed. and it moved me.

it moved me as families and individuals moved across the stage holding signs of how god had worked in their lives. from adoption to addiction to simply becoming confident. all of it happened, and people shared their blessings. in turn, i was blessed. god was blessed. wow.

this world

so here i am...at belmont university.

i never could have imagined four months ago that this day would finally come. it is everything i had hoped it would be and then some. i have a dorm room! for most people this is trivial, but for me, everything is new. every turn offers a new adventure. new faces meet me everywhere i go. new ideas, thoughts, and ways of living flood my perceptions. and its only been 2 days. imagine, if you will, 5 years!!! there people i have met are extraordinary, and the people i have brought with me wash away any vestiges of homesickness. life is beautiful, and it has picked me up, even though i never knew i had fallen. this world is comforting. belmont is truly home.

i love the fact that people are so willing to be themselves. for the first time, i am comfortable doing the same. here i am just dan. that is all. and everyone is getting to form his or her own opinion of me. and do you know what, that is freaking awesome! this world is perfect for me. i am home.

simplicity

i am a simply complex person. and it is always the simply complex that you can expect to be understandably complicated. for when your very self-description is a paradox, does that not set you up for complications?

i read a book last week titled traitor. it is one of my favorite books in a genre to which i desparatly cleave. one of the central concepts throughout the book is a simply complex paradox often uttered by one of the main characters, vergere:

"everything i tell you is a lie."

if everything she says is a lie, then that statement is a lie implying that all she says is truth. but if that is the case, then that statement is true and everything she says is a lie. how simply complex.

how does this fit in with anything at all?

i feel the walls around me crashing down. all the past floods back and eats away at my paradox. my personal, little, homespun paradox. simple complexity. simple, right? not at all, and therein lies the difficulty i face in myself. i am not some book to be read cover to cover. i want to be explicated, analysed, responded to. but here is the catch, i want to choose my readers. yeah, some people get excerpts, and others only get the flyleaf. i guess the problem is that the last people to engulf my pages, to digest my chapters, put me on a used bookshelf to be sold for $.50. i don't want to be sold for that cheap again. i have spent the last 5 years building my value so that the next person to really read me will see the marks that came before, learn from them, and add his'er own. and i want to belong to that person's library. and never leave it.

maybe these are just ridiculous rantings of a half-crazed, sleep-deprived, pissed-off revolutionary wanna-be. but, i have no other way to put it all. at all. simply complex.

god moved, and we let him

so god showed up this week. literally. god made his presence known on our missionary journey up to illinois. i have never actually in my entire life felt so moved by the holy spirit or touched by our eternal father. god moved, and we let him.

it has been so long since i have felt the freedom to worship fully. but god moved, and we let him.

we found god in rain, people, worship, tractors, and even soup. you see, god moved, and we let him.

people came to the saving knowledge of jesus christ this week in an area that is not only confused, but has no one to tell them what the truth really is. we go to other countries while, within our own, people do not know the truth of jesus christ. god moved, and we let him.

so many times the christians of today get in god's way when he wants to accomplish something amazing. this week we let god have control. we prayed for things we knew could not happen unless god was in it. because of that, god moved, and we let him.

we learned that some churches give up and live out their own wants. when that happened, god moved on, and they let him.

but praise god, we also learned that if we are faithful god will provide far beyond anything that we could hope to imagine. from food and transportation to rest and new bonds of friendship. community. brothers and sisters. you see, this week, the green valley baptist church youth group saw god move, and we let him.

we didn't get in the way. we didn't whine or complain (about god moving at least). we didn't try to do things ourselves. we just let him lead, and we followed.

god moved, and we let him.

it was like kindergarten

it was like kindergarten.

i got back from orientation at belmont university on firday evening. i am now, officially homesick for my new home in nashville. not only did i have the most amazing experience signing up for classes and learning about the school, i met some of the most awesome people i have ever met in my life.

it was like kindergarten. you know, how you would sit down next to someone and three minutes later you were best friends for life...that kind of thing. people like blane, cale, k-peace, the morgans, mike, the other mike, and so many more. i was worried that in leaving my family (the park singers) behind that i would be friendless, that i would not have the capacity to move on. i was wrong. i love how god works like that.

i move to nashville in 62 days. it cannot come soon enough. you see, its not about the fact that i am ready to go to college or that my classes are perfect, or even that i want to be free from my birmingham bubble. i just miss my friends. if any of you are reading this, i can't wait to see you.

you see, it really is just like kindergarten, except infinitely better.

the second journey

now...most of the time i think that billy broadway is full of shit. in fact, he is all of the time. however, i believe that he inadvertently stumbled onto an example that has some potential. a journey. three to be precise.

i graduated from high school tonight. big whoop. it was somewhat anticlimactic. even now, i am sitting here feeling no different even as some new feeling grows inside me. it isn't so much different. it is just the realization of a feeling thats always been there. i feel more like an adult. i know that i am far from that, but it is still interesting.

so. three journeys. where do they lead? i like the concept of primary and secondary education being a journey. kindergarten through 12th grade. it is quite a journey. i have completely changed as a person in that time span, so it does make sense.

by graduating, i have closed one journey and moved onto a new one. life. real life. i don't care how much it may seem or be said that college isn't real life, it is more real than any other experience of life that can be had in high school. so, college through adulthood and the work force are a journey.

but, my third journey begins with marriage. from that point on, two journeys combine and become one. so the merging of the two lives becomes a journey.

so what are these ramblings? i guess it is all just reflection on a busy day. tomorrow is the first day of my newfound freedom. wow. it feels good to be free.

that lonesome road

these are the only words that can describe my feelings today.

that lonesome road

walk down that lonesome road, all by yourself.

dont turn your head back over your shoulder.

and only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon

is shining high above the trees.

if i had stopped to listen once or twice

if i had closed my mouth and opened my eyes

if i had cooled my head and warmed my heart

id not be on this road tonight.

carry on.

dont feel sorry for yourself.

it doesnt save you from a troubled mind.

walk down that lonesome road, all by yourself.

dont turn your head back over your shoulder.

and only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon

is shining high above the trees.

-james taylor-

and again with the future

so i am growing up, apparently. hmm. it is kind of depressing. i am pretty much done with every commitment i have at spain park except for actually going to class. park singers is over.

that statement brings both depression and despair. my family is about to be dispersed to the winds. my dear park singers. i am so completely freaked out about leaving them behind that the mere thought of it slams into me with the weight of a ton of bricks. sadness engulfs me even as i tell members who are not graduating that next year will be even better.

the scary thing is that it probably will be. i have never known park singers not to work that way.

what scares me the most, and this is my number one fear, is being forgotten. what is to say that i won't be. next year could be so amazing that, by the following year, i will be barely a memory. i am not content to be just a memory. that is why going to belmont scares me too. i am taking nothing but my experiences with me to college. there is not a single park singer going with me. i am quitting cold turkey. that makes me more sad than anything else in this world. how am i going to manage it.

i wish most of all that they knew how much i love every one of them.

if you read this, know that i love you all, and i will miss you.

thats all i have for tonight.

stresses and the future

the future is so ambiguous. i know what i want, but i have no idea how to get there. i want so badly to be out of high school that i am broken to tears at least 300 times a week. i am madly in love with a school that fits me like a glove. i want a change. i want to break out of this bubble i have created for myself. its my own fault that people see me as they do, but it is not who i am. i am a revolutionary; perhaps i am even a heretic. the term doesn't scare me like it used to.

today i had a conversation with someone, and i said things that friends of mine i have always labeled as "crazy liberals" always have said. it scared the shit out of me. it also excited me more than anything ever has before. i am more me than i have ever been, but people know the other me too well. they cannot see who is inside, trying to break free. freedom. it has a whole new meaning.

people i have considered friends are no longer friends. enemies are no longer of consequence. only a year ago i was an excited, overweight junior, longing to be a typical senior. i have that now. but typical isn't right. it isn't the me i want to be. and really, how typical am i? does that really fit. typical?

and why does every inner monologue i have end with a question? some of them are completely unanswerable. what will next year bring? no answer. what will the next ten years bring? no answer. why do i have to suffer through the next few weeks? no answer. will i feel like this much longer? no answer.

some questions i know the answers to, yet i still ask them. why can't i let myself truly trust? because i have been hurt too many times. will i ever have that loving relationship that i long to have? yes. just wait until the time is right. when will the time be right? when it is.

god confuses me. he is not a chapter in a book that can make everything clear. he is not a formula that, if i plug in the right variables, i can get an answer to. he is not a letter. or a place. or a moment. or a song. he is god. and god confuses me.

so what will the future bring? good. bad. happiness. tears. joy. regret. hope. peace. revolution. love. i just have to be patient. right?

i am thankful

it all comes to the fact that i will be a student in college six months from now. i will be about to begin classes at belmont university. if that isn't motivation to step it up and just push through the rest of the year, what is? i am so thankful for so much in my life right now, and i forget to acknowledge it all. i am thankful for my acceptance letter to belmont. i am thankful for heather's ear and challenging. i am thankful for the park singers. i am thankful for the relationships i have with my friends. i am thankful for my family. i am thankful for the fact that god put me into a world where my needs have been provided for. i am thankful that god has shown me how much i need to share with those who haven't been as blessed as me materially. i am thankful that he has a plan for my life.

wow. that felt good.

my revolution, part 4: college fast approaching...

i have 87 school days until graduation. that means in 87 school days i will cease to be a student in high school and will become a college student at belmont. this is a bit scary and exciting. i am going to be popped out of my little spain park/green valley/hoover city bubble, and i will be thrust into a completely new world with no one i know. basically no one i know. what an awesome opportunity for god to do amazing things in my life. stripping away everything that is comfortable so that the only thing i have to rely on is him. i cannot wait.