the future is so ambiguous. i know what i want, but i have no idea how to get there. i want so badly to be out of high school that i am broken to tears at least 300 times a week. i am madly in love with a school that fits me like a glove. i want a change. i want to break out of this bubble i have created for myself. its my own fault that people see me as they do, but it is not who i am. i am a revolutionary; perhaps i am even a heretic. the term doesn't scare me like it used to.
today i had a conversation with someone, and i said things that friends of mine i have always labeled as "crazy liberals" always have said. it scared the shit out of me. it also excited me more than anything ever has before. i am more me than i have ever been, but people know the other me too well. they cannot see who is inside, trying to break free. freedom. it has a whole new meaning.
people i have considered friends are no longer friends. enemies are no longer of consequence. only a year ago i was an excited, overweight junior, longing to be a typical senior. i have that now. but typical isn't right. it isn't the me i want to be. and really, how typical am i? does that really fit. typical?
and why does every inner monologue i have end with a question? some of them are completely unanswerable. what will next year bring? no answer. what will the next ten years bring? no answer. why do i have to suffer through the next few weeks? no answer. will i feel like this much longer? no answer.
some questions i know the answers to, yet i still ask them. why can't i let myself truly trust? because i have been hurt too many times. will i ever have that loving relationship that i long to have? yes. just wait until the time is right. when will the time be right? when it is.
god confuses me. he is not a chapter in a book that can make everything clear. he is not a formula that, if i plug in the right variables, i can get an answer to. he is not a letter. or a place. or a moment. or a song. he is god. and god confuses me.
so what will the future bring? good. bad. happiness. tears. joy. regret. hope. peace. revolution. love. i just have to be patient. right?
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