the second journey

now...most of the time i think that billy broadway is full of shit. in fact, he is all of the time. however, i believe that he inadvertently stumbled onto an example that has some potential. a journey. three to be precise.

i graduated from high school tonight. big whoop. it was somewhat anticlimactic. even now, i am sitting here feeling no different even as some new feeling grows inside me. it isn't so much different. it is just the realization of a feeling thats always been there. i feel more like an adult. i know that i am far from that, but it is still interesting.

so. three journeys. where do they lead? i like the concept of primary and secondary education being a journey. kindergarten through 12th grade. it is quite a journey. i have completely changed as a person in that time span, so it does make sense.

by graduating, i have closed one journey and moved onto a new one. life. real life. i don't care how much it may seem or be said that college isn't real life, it is more real than any other experience of life that can be had in high school. so, college through adulthood and the work force are a journey.

but, my third journey begins with marriage. from that point on, two journeys combine and become one. so the merging of the two lives becomes a journey.

so what are these ramblings? i guess it is all just reflection on a busy day. tomorrow is the first day of my newfound freedom. wow. it feels good to be free.

that lonesome road

these are the only words that can describe my feelings today.

that lonesome road

walk down that lonesome road, all by yourself.

dont turn your head back over your shoulder.

and only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon

is shining high above the trees.

if i had stopped to listen once or twice

if i had closed my mouth and opened my eyes

if i had cooled my head and warmed my heart

id not be on this road tonight.

carry on.

dont feel sorry for yourself.

it doesnt save you from a troubled mind.

walk down that lonesome road, all by yourself.

dont turn your head back over your shoulder.

and only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon

is shining high above the trees.

-james taylor-

and again with the future

so i am growing up, apparently. hmm. it is kind of depressing. i am pretty much done with every commitment i have at spain park except for actually going to class. park singers is over.

that statement brings both depression and despair. my family is about to be dispersed to the winds. my dear park singers. i am so completely freaked out about leaving them behind that the mere thought of it slams into me with the weight of a ton of bricks. sadness engulfs me even as i tell members who are not graduating that next year will be even better.

the scary thing is that it probably will be. i have never known park singers not to work that way.

what scares me the most, and this is my number one fear, is being forgotten. what is to say that i won't be. next year could be so amazing that, by the following year, i will be barely a memory. i am not content to be just a memory. that is why going to belmont scares me too. i am taking nothing but my experiences with me to college. there is not a single park singer going with me. i am quitting cold turkey. that makes me more sad than anything else in this world. how am i going to manage it.

i wish most of all that they knew how much i love every one of them.

if you read this, know that i love you all, and i will miss you.

thats all i have for tonight.

stresses and the future

the future is so ambiguous. i know what i want, but i have no idea how to get there. i want so badly to be out of high school that i am broken to tears at least 300 times a week. i am madly in love with a school that fits me like a glove. i want a change. i want to break out of this bubble i have created for myself. its my own fault that people see me as they do, but it is not who i am. i am a revolutionary; perhaps i am even a heretic. the term doesn't scare me like it used to.

today i had a conversation with someone, and i said things that friends of mine i have always labeled as "crazy liberals" always have said. it scared the shit out of me. it also excited me more than anything ever has before. i am more me than i have ever been, but people know the other me too well. they cannot see who is inside, trying to break free. freedom. it has a whole new meaning.

people i have considered friends are no longer friends. enemies are no longer of consequence. only a year ago i was an excited, overweight junior, longing to be a typical senior. i have that now. but typical isn't right. it isn't the me i want to be. and really, how typical am i? does that really fit. typical?

and why does every inner monologue i have end with a question? some of them are completely unanswerable. what will next year bring? no answer. what will the next ten years bring? no answer. why do i have to suffer through the next few weeks? no answer. will i feel like this much longer? no answer.

some questions i know the answers to, yet i still ask them. why can't i let myself truly trust? because i have been hurt too many times. will i ever have that loving relationship that i long to have? yes. just wait until the time is right. when will the time be right? when it is.

god confuses me. he is not a chapter in a book that can make everything clear. he is not a formula that, if i plug in the right variables, i can get an answer to. he is not a letter. or a place. or a moment. or a song. he is god. and god confuses me.

so what will the future bring? good. bad. happiness. tears. joy. regret. hope. peace. revolution. love. i just have to be patient. right?