the code

there is no fear, there is peace.

where there is belief, there is reason.

there is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

where there is passion, there is will.

there is no rage, there is serenity.

where there is truth, there is harmony.

there is no death, there is the force.

lately...

i haven't really been in much of a blogging mood lately. it has been the most unusual semester of my entire life as i have learned more about myself than ever before. i really feel as though i'm coming into the most real version of who i am that i've ever encountered. the walls i have built around myself over time are quietly crumbling, and i am learning just how important it is to be, to exist in the fullness of who god created me to be. as i emerge from this semester better for my struggles, i have begun to understand what it means to wake up in the morning with purpose...every morning. and though that purpose changes from day to day, i still wake up with purpose. some days it's simply to get out of bed and go to work, but i make that work day the best i can.

the last few days have been admittedly difficult for me as the majority of my friends at belmont graduated, many of whom will not be returning to nashville this fall. it hurts my heart. do i regret my decision to stay on an extra semester? no. i know that it was the right decision for me, but it doesn't make it any less difficult to think about people i am extraordinarily close to not returning to my life in august. it's hard, and i don't like it, but i adapt and overcome. i will miss these people dearly, but i know that they are moving on to fulfill their dreams as i will do in six months.

i suppose i'm already living part of my dream for my life. i can honestly say that i know who i am. this is not some fantastical assertion that is meant to place me on a pedestal. i mean it in the most simple, most humble way i can. i really feel like i know myself. it hasn't been an overnight discovery, but it is most certainly the result of many years putting on facades meant to disguise the parts of me i couldn't handle. that's all over now. i know who i am, who i want to be. i'm done compromising that for my pride, for my sense of popularity or self-importance.

i think that this means the next six months until i graduate from belmont are going to amazing. they will be filled with new struggles, re-emerging struggles, and different challenges to overcome. i will have the opportunity to focus on the friends that are still here in nashville, to grow in those friendships as those friends teach me things about who i am that i have yet to discover. i'll get to begin making monumental decisions about my future.

in a way, i'm terrified about these decisions. but mostly i'm at peace. in retrospect, doubting god's direction for my life has never been a fruitful choice. god hasn't failed me yet, even in the darkest moments of my past, i can see now how god has worked to better me and to prepare me for the things that are next. seven years ago i responded to a call i felt on my life that god had some kind of vocational challenge for me. for the first time since then, i feel at home in church. this is not coincidence. i'm completely willing to believe that god has a plan for my life, and i'm looking forward to see how the last several years of my spiritual formation will impact that plan.

so, in the face of monumental changes, leaving friends, and, were i honest, a bit of fear about the future, i can't help but be excited. life, despite its constant struggles, is really good. i'm blessed.

my friend Amber

Hey everyone. My friend Amber is working on raising money so that she can travel to the Dominican Republic for the next year to work with an orphanage. Amber is one of my best friends on the face of the earth, and I know that God will use her in amazing ways. If you have the ability, I would encourage you to donate even a much as 5 or 10 dollars to help her get there. Check out her blog HERE where you can also donate to her via PayPal. Thanks!!!

friends

I love my friends. As I have struggled through many ups and downs over the last couple of months, they have been strong and present in my life. It is wonderful to think that I have that kind of support system. Whether it's smoking pipes and cigars on the front porch late into the night, or grabbing a quick bite to eat, my friends always provide me the stability my oft-shaky legs cannot.

Today, my prayer is one from the Lectionary. It reminds me of how I see God in my friends so often:

Faithful Midwife,

as you delivered the Hebrews safely

out of the long labor of slavery,

so, morning by morning,

you draw us forth into the new day.

Surround us with a cloud of witnesses,

and sustain us by your powerful word,

that, in the night of loneliness and fear,

we, being weary, may not lost heart

but push toward the joy that is to come,

laboring with Christ

to give birth to your promised kingdom. Amen.

bury me under the weeping willow

The Rosanne Cash version of this song is just plain incredible. Check it out.

"Bury Me Under the Weeping Willow"

My heart is sad and I'm in sorrow
For the only one I love
When shall I see him, oh, no, never
Till I meet him in heaven above

Oh, bury me under the weeping willow
Yes, under the weeping willow tree
So he may know where I am sleeping
And perhaps he will weep for me

They told me that he did not love me
I could not believe it was true
Until an angel softly whispered
He has proven untrue to you

Oh, bury me under the weeping willow
Yes, under the weeping willow tree
So he may know where I am sleeping
And perhaps he will weep for me

Tomorrow was our wedding day
But, Lord, oh, where is he
He's gone to seek him another bride
And he cares no more for me

Oh, bury me under the weeping willow
Yes, under the weeping willow tree
So he may know where I am sleeping
And perhaps he will weep for me

Oh, bury me under the violets blue
To prove my love to him
Tell him that I would die to save him
For his love I never could win

Oh, bury me under the weeping willow
Yes, under the weeping willow tree
So he may know where I am sleeping
And perhaps he will weep for me

struggle for significance...

I've been trying to write a new blog for a while now. I want to be profound. I wish I had something to say. I even wrote this blog where I talk about how I'm not living out my passions right now. I am passionate about Artist Development. I am passionate about Christian Ethics. I am passionate about College Admissions. After reading this thing I wrote over again this morning, I decided not to post it. It was whiny. I complained a lot in it. That's not what I want to post on here.

Yeah, I miss working in Admissions at Belmont. But that path is pretty much shot to hell these days. I poured myself into that place, but when I left, everything I had worked toward began to crumble. There is an unbelievable lack of strong, genuine leadership there. If certain people would just step up, there could be some hope. But people are tired of fighting, so ineptitude continues to reign. It breaks my heart that I gave so much of myself there only to see it all be in vain. I know I should just smile and nod and still act like everything is good there to me. But I'm tired of playing games with those people.

I see myself as a theologian, or at least as a burgeoning theologian. I want to have a forum where I can express my ideas and engage in dialog with others about those ideas. But I keep running in to the same things. I'm too young. My ideas are too "out there." I need more school before people will take me seriously. Bullshit. Those are the same things I have heard my whole life. People just don't take me seriously. This, I believe, is mostly my own fault. Often times my eagerness screws me over. So I have a blog. That no one reads. I don't mean to discount those three or four faithful readers out there, but it just gets so frustrating wanting a forum to share your ideas and failing at ever pass.

I am not a kiss-ass in the college of Music Business at Belmont. I spent way too many years of my life kissing up to people to get ahead, and I'm just not going to do it. There are too many inflated egos in that program. I enjoy the artist development aspect of the music industry. I really do. I absolutely love working one-on-one with artists to help them discover who they are, not just as an artist, but also as a person. Because I don't brown-nose people in my program, I am ignored. I simply am not willing to go there. If that counts me out of having influence, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

So in turn, it looks like I have ended up whining about a lot of things. I promise that this is a much better worded rant than what I wrote last night. And, don't get me wrong. As I told my parents this weekend, I love my life. I really have so much going for me. It's just that these things are things that have been on my heart and mind. They are things that are incredibly difficult to express in spoken words. There you go. This is my struggle for significance.

a prayer

This is the prayer I composed for church this morning:

God of peace and light, we come into your presence today as a community dedicated to hearing from you. Our hearts are heavy with care for the hurt in our world. We think of our sisters and brothers in our global community. In Haiti and Chile there are members of our body struggling to see the Holy amidst destruction and pain. We pray for our extended family in Cuba as they worship with us this morning in spirit. Our hearts cannot help but dwell on the hurt in our own community that we’ve experienced over the last two weeks. Show us comfort Lord. Give us healing. We pray desperately for your divine peace. Yet we cannot help but thank you for the moments of celebration. Today we celebrate the decision this week to advance equality in our nation’s capital, even as we work toward the same goals in our own community. We also ask your blessing on the tithes and offerings of money that are to be brought. May what we give be used to bring your peace and light into each of the lives our community of faith has the opportunity to touch. Kyrie eleison. Amen, and amen.

Emmie Cecelia Mears Webb

Emmie Cecelia Mears Webb, age 8, died from injuries sustained in a car accident on Wednesday, February 17.

Emmie is survived by her parents Amy Mears and David Webb, two sisters, Lara and Mia and brother, Danny; grandparents Ted and Betty Mears and Barbara and Billy Webb; uncles and aunts David Mears, Joel and Beth Mears, Andy Webb, and Matt and Dawn Webb; and 10 loving cousins.

Emmie was born June 1, 2001. She was a vibrant part of Glendale Baptist Church, in third grade at Glendale Spanish Immersion Elementary School, an enthusiastic soccer player, a student of the piano, and a lover of animals of all sorts and zebras in particular. She was bright and loving, kind and gentle, and Emmie brought joy into the lives of many.

A memorial service will be held at Glendale Baptist Church: A Caring Community of Equality and Grace (1021 Glendale Lane, Nashville) at 2:00 p.m. on Saturday, February 20. Friends and family will gather in the Fellowship Hall following the service for lemonade and cookies. In lieu of flowers, memorial gifts may be given in Emmie’s memory to Ring Lake Ranch (P.O. Box 446, La Crosse, WI 54602-0446) for the care and nurture of the horses on the Wyoming ranch that Emmie loved.

grief

I am not good at dealing with grief. I never have been. I would think that after having lost so many people over the last five years that grief would become easier. It has not.

My pastor Amy's husband and children ran into a deer on their way home this evening from the Ash Wednesday service. Emmie, the youngest, did not survive the accident. Emmie was precious. She was full of joy and life. Her loss hits us all deep in our hearts and souls.

I thought I would get on my blog and write some eloquent exposition about how grief, though unbearable, can strengthen the heart. I wanted to write about how I know God can overcome our pain.

I don't have any of those words tonight. This evening, I only have grief. Please pray for the Mears-Webb family, for Amy and David, for the other three children. Please pray for our Glendale Baptist family as we join together to comfort and to cry. Please pray that we would be granted peace and healing.

Thank you.

credo

I believe...

Those two words are incredibly profound. With them, lines have been drawn for conflict, unions have been formed in peace, and entire faith traditions have been established.

When I wrote those two words a few seconds ago, I had fully intended to jump into a long discourse about the many beliefs I hold. For some reason, that now seems inappropriate. Yes, this blog is my bully pulpit to speak about my many beliefs, but that's not really what I want to do tonight.

Last night I came home from my "Christianity in the Entertainment Industry" class in a absolute frenzy of frustration, anger, and sadness. This class is forcing me to apply everything I have learned over the last two and a half years of being a student of religion. I am having to cautiously weigh the opinions around me in order to form coherent statements that support my own minority opinion (as far as this class is concerned) about the world, especially as it relates to Christianity.

I won't go into specifics about the discussions that ensued last night (my gracious roommate already had to suffer through that venting session), but I will say that I was offended multiple times by statements made during class, both by other students and even my professor. I could have easily spoken out in anger. But I did not. I could have spoken out of sadness. But I did not. I could have spoken in a tone of utter frustration. But I did not. All of these would have been both accurate and, I think, justified responses to the things I encountered.

Yet I provided measured responses and challenges to each point made by my peers. I did my best to be generous, taking into account the fact that none of those in the room have been through the same experiences both in and out of the classroom as I have. And I had to remind myself that this did not make me or my opinions any better than their own. This was very hard for me. It drained me.

I spent today reflecting on last night's class. I came to a conclusion that saddened me more, but also helped me get a better handle on why last night was so difficult. Last night I was grossly offended by statements my peers made about those who are outside the Christian church. Having spent so much time in the School of Religion, I have gotten used to generous and genuine dialog about various faith traditions and the variety that exists within my own.

My conclusion then was really more of a realization. I remembered that a vast number of Christians would not accept the kind of church of which I am a member. A vast number of Christians do not agree with me that other faith traditions have value. It reminded me that I cannot be silent in the things I believe. I have to be willing to provide the differing opinion. I have to be willing to say that Muslims are not evil. I have to speak out when Jews are referred to as "those New York-type people." I cannot be silent about these things.

I titled this blog "credo" because of the first thing I ever learned in Christian Doctrine my sophomore year. The Creeds of my faith, both Apostolic and Nicene, have to do with what we believe as Christians. I offer now my own credo, adapted from the Nicene creed. It is a place for me to start as I pick up the pieces of my faith that was so drastically and unexpectedly shaken last night.

I believe in God, the Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things seen and unseen.

I believe in Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Child of God, begotten before all worlds; God of God, Light of Light, very God of very God; begotten, not made, being of one substance with Yaweh, by whom all things were made.

Who for us, men and women, came down from heaven, and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit and was made tangibly human; and he lived a life of example, filled with love, hope, peace, and liberation. It is this example that teaches us and shows us how to live our lives in similar fashion: showing love to all, having hope for tomorrow, seeking peace in all things, and working toward the liberation of all people from oppression.

And I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord and Giver of Life; who proceeds from Yaweh and the Christ; who with Yaweh and the Christ together is worshipped and glorified; who spoke by the prophets, a divine Other.

And I believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church. I acknowledge the beauty of liturgy; and I look for the ways I may join my community in furthering the living goals and life-message of our faith. Amen.

January 29th

It is incredibly hard to believe that it has been five years since we lost Ms. Bank. I will never forget being slumped against a wall at Auburn University, phone in hand, listening to a voicemail from my friend Jill. Time seemed to stop. I crumbled. It was the first time in recent memory that I had encountered the loss of someone I truly cared about.

Almost every year since her death, I have written some kind of response or memoriam. This year, I want to do something different. There are things I will do as I do every year. I will wear blue. I will read The Little Prince. I will change my profile picture on Facebook. Some of these things are trivial, yet they are almost sacred to me in their annual ritualism.

But I want to make sure I remember the fact that Ms. Bank lives on in all of us who knew her. Many of us can still quote sections of The Little Prince. We all remember to “be brilliant” in all we do. Most of us cringe a little when see a letter written incorrectly. I would bet a significant portion of us correct peoples’ grammar in our heads (though we wouldn’t dare do so aloud). And when we see fake bullet hole decals on cars, we wonder what kind of person would actually have those.

Even though she has been gone for half a decade, Ms. Bank still lives on in our lives. As Albus Dumbledore says, “The ones we love never truly leave us.” Funny enough, I never had the opportunity to ask her how she felt about the Harry Potter series, mainly because I didn’t begin reading them until after she had passed away. Because of this, I have no idea whether quoting Dumbledore would be sacrilege to her or not. I’m obviously willing to risk it though. She was the one who used a children’s book in class after all.

So anyway, today we all remember Ms. Bank and the love of learning she instilled in all of us. For those of you who did not know her, I encourage you to spend time dwelling on the passions you have discovered in life. And from there, think about those who taught you to love those things. For me, it is a passion for learning, and I learned that from Susan Bank.

ubuntu...again

This morning my mom texted me to tell me that she was carrying the South African flag this morning at church in honor of me and my travels in Africa for a missions emphasis at my parents' church. When I read that message I just started crying. In fact, I'm still crying and will probably do so all day now.

And I had to ask myself why this simple statement affected me so much. I have a South African flag in my room along with paintings I purchased while there. Looking at this may make me miss it, but it does not make me cry.

I am crying because I love the church. And that statement is such a divergence from where I have been for the last several years. There have been moments over the last few years when I have said that I never wanted to be a member of a church again. I have said horrible things about the body of Christ. And it hurts my soul knowing that I have said such things, because even though we metaphorically refer to the church as the "body of Christ", there is something very tangible, very real about that statement.

This morning as my mom carries this flag she is connecting so many parts of that body. She is connecting our family to each other. She is connecting me at Glendale with Green Valley. She is connecting all of us to the churches in Cape Town like the one at Masiphumalele. She is connecting the United States to South Africa. North America to Africa as a whole. She is representing what the colors of the South African flag mean: unity and peace. She is living out the meaning of Ubuntu, that we are all connected, that we all belong to a bundle of life.

So as I cry, I think about this amazing act of worship that my mother is performing this morning simply by carrying a flag. How she is joining others in the same act, connecting members of the body of Christ from across the world to a little southern baptist church in Hoover, Alabama. It is such a beautiful act, and it will be on my heart all day.

I am immeasurably grateful to my mom for doing this.

the little things

In a break from the way I normally blog, this morning I really wanted to just list out a few of the little things that keep me going. Some of these things are regular occurrences, while others just happen once or twice along the way. There are people, places, and, of course, teas on this list. Some of these things may seem a little strange, but that's okay...it's just who I am:

-a brand new desk chair
-new pens and highlighters
-beth and jordan
-hot monkey-picked oolong tea
-sugar cookies at christmas
-a warm blanket
-glendale baptist church
-taking my socks off only after i'm in bed
-new star wars novels
-taylor
-free books
-the west wing
-pictures of my family around my room
-africa
-brandon
-choir practice at glendale
-cast iron tea pots
-linen resume paper
-amber
-dogs that like to cuddle
-disneyworld with christmas decorations
-scarves
-spending time with my parents
-playing the piano
-jessica
-knowing that somehow i'll be able to support myself someday
-walking labyrinths
-when rainy days make it dark outside
-teavana
-thunderstorms at night
-folly beach
-allyson and briana
-thinking about grad school
-diet sunkist
-grant and thomas
-two buck chuck
-a good night's sleep
-knowing that a good attitude is half the battle
-writing for fun

So there's my list...it isn't all-inclusive, but it is everything that jumped to mind in a sitting.

not on purpose

I haven't blogged in over a month. This was not intentional. I'd love to say that I was just too busy to blog or that my lack of reliable computer access kept me from blogging. While these two things are mostly true, being busy and not having a computer have never stopped me in the past.

I think I'm just out of things to say right now. Don't get me wrong, I have tons of things I want to say. I might even go so far as to say that they are things that I have a burning desire to say. But for some reason, the words just aren't coming right now. I do not feel eloquent. I do not feel like I can adequately sculpt the English language in a way that would do justice to dialog going on between my soul and my mind.

Yet I do miss blogging. Whether or not anyone reads the words here (despite my shameless facebook and twitter promotions) is irrelevant to me...most of the time. Maybe after another month goes by I'll have words again. Or, more importantly, a better idea of how to construct the words I have to form the narrative I want to share.