words that move

my brother-in-law is a freaking amazing writer. you should read his stuff. his words move off the page a create more than a news story...they create a life story. start HERE.

what words are there for a tragedy

i just spent three days surrounded by grief. it was a tight, intense envelope that pushed in from all sides. it did not suspend joy. it did not bar laughter. but it was still tangible. i watched a mother mourn so hard that she was physically in pain. i watched family and friends surround each other with a pure, unhindered outpouring of love. i watched my best friend be the head of his family, helping them to put one foot in front of the other. i had the opportunity to stand in the thin moment between the breaking and healing of hearts. it was remarkable. it was humbling.

today i heard my best friend say that blood does not make a family. i saw him broken at the loss of his brother. i saw him lead his family in the beginning of the healing process. i embraced him and was reminded what brotherhood was. i realized that all this time he has always been my brother, always been that friend i was seeking. i had simply forgotten.

in the midst of it all i was able to meet new friends and form new bonds. i was able to laugh through my sorrow, and i was able to cry through my pain. after all, laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. i learned lessons on justice and freedom. i felt needed. i felt wanted. but most importantly, i felt present. there was not a single moment where i was in another world or engrossed in some introspective fantasy. i was able to be myself. and i like it. i liked that i felt affirmed by showing love to people who were hurting.

these few days i have been reminded how blessed i am to have a god who is present in sorrow. thursday i railed against him and his transcendent arrogance. today i fell before him and his immanent love. i helped carry the casket of a young man who touched my life, who touched the lives of many. i carried the casket of a young man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

in a few minutes i'm going to go to bed. i'm going to fall into a deep sleep that will end one of the longest days of my life. tomorrow i will reenter the real world a different person. my thoughts are raw and unorganized, and i know the coming days will give me time to process through the emotions i have felt this weekend. but for now there are no words left to me. i am empty. i am drained. i am dried up. but i am alive. and i thank god for that gift.

this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

There aren’t words enough to express loss on such a scale. There are wounds so deep that love can’t help but flow freely from them. When someone is taken so violently from us that whiplash is the initial response, it is impossible to find reason in the midst of the ensuing emotional chaos. I, for one, petition God as to why death can happen like it does. I scroll through every theological concept I have ever studied and flip through every article or book on grief within reach to struggle through the drowning flood of sorrow. I find that no answers ever come to me in that way. Ever. So then I take the route I always end up taking in the end. I reflect on the person I have lost, not the manner in which I lost him.

Derek was a spirit of creativity. Since our first meeting, my mind has been boggled at his unique capacity for genuine humor, be it innocent or not (and quite honestly the latter always made my day). He had more imagination in his pinky than I did in my whole body. I was consistently amazed at his propensity to take something as random as a tube sock and create a character that drove people to laughter. Derek was perpetual motion embodied, and I always experienced him as this blur of color, the mini-me of my best friend. And let me tell you, Derek and Taylor together was more dangerous than playing hacky-sack with nitroglycerine. The dynamic duo of the Massey brothers never ceased to amaze me. I can typically keep Taylor from getting into too much of a mess, but Derek was always the inextinguishable fuse that lit the dynamite of their pairing.

Albus Dumbledore once remarked, “The ones we love never truly leave us.” I think Derek would appreciate that sentiment. He had a profound effect on the people who knew him, and it was impossible to know him and not feel better for it. I know that, personally, his legacy of creativity, ingenuity, and pure humor will always resonate with my soul. Derek thrived when put on the spot, whether through wildly entertaining prank calls, ask Stanley, or the production of the most laboriously low-budget superhero indie film ever created. It is impossible for me to mourn the loss of Derek without immediately thinking of all the joy he brought to my own life in the time I knew him.

There is a line in a song that seems so perfect in this moment: the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. Rest in peace Derek. And because I know you’d appreciate it, may the Force be with you.

wesa gonna speed yousa away*

today at 2pm i will finish my last class of the semester. i figured it was a good time to sit and reflect on some things from this fall that stand out as fairly signifcant.

first, i should mention, that this semester has absolutely flown by. i cannot in recent memory recall a span of time moving by so quickly. it honestly seems like yesterday i was on the university ministries leadership retreat. it seems like moments ago i was in africa. it quite frankly scares me to death that life is moving by at such a pace. i know that i'm only 20, but each year moves by a little faster.

now that that's out of the way, taking stock of this semester brings several things to mind.

1. i am simply made to work for university admissions. i love it. i am passionate about it. i can quite honestly see myself enjoying a tenure as an admissions officer (preferrably at belmont).
2. i cannot go another semester without being in a choir. i took this semester off from pops, and the musician in me has violently reacted against this. next semester i'll make my triumphant return to a musical ensemble that pales in comparison to the group that is so dear to my heart...but i have to sing. i'm just wired that way
3. i had a record number of theology-related freakouts this semester, everything from my worthlessness as a theologian to my inability to write competitively. it was both an illuminating semester and a challenging one in that area.
4. i have a girlfriend who challenges me and humbles me. i wonder more often than not how it is that i'm so blessed. for some reason my imperfections are ignored (or in some cases exploited) by her. it truly boggles the mind.
5. my family is my rock. in spite of my craziness they stand by me and behind me. my parents are easily becoming two of my best friends which kind of freaks me out. it makes me wish that kids were able to have that kind of relationship with their parents more quickly.
6. i don't like this whole living in california thing my sister and brother-in-law are up to. it's way too far away for my tastes. i do love where they live though, and the magic of skype has been a godsend in this process. all that aside, i still don't like this whole long-distance brothering thing...and i thought hoover to chattenooga was long-distance!
7. i am growing tired of my cyclical relationship with the church. it quite frankly pisses me off that i can't make up my mind on whether i like church or not. i know that's an ever-continuous process, but i would be very appreciative if it would all just workout. however, i have coined a few memorable quotes along the line...my favorite being: "tony jones is the like the jerry falwell of the emerging church."

so that's a little list of reflections. i'm sure there will be more stream-of-consciousness reflection on my part by the time exams are over. oh exams...why...

*ok...for all you hardcore star wars fans, i apologize for the jar jar binks quote above...however, it is an appropriate title