i just spent three days surrounded by grief. it was a tight, intense envelope that pushed in from all sides. it did not suspend joy. it did not bar laughter. but it was still tangible. i watched a mother mourn so hard that she was physically in pain. i watched family and friends surround each other with a pure, unhindered outpouring of love. i watched my best friend be the head of his family, helping them to put one foot in front of the other. i had the opportunity to stand in the thin moment between the breaking and healing of hearts. it was remarkable. it was humbling.
today i heard my best friend say that blood does not make a family. i saw him broken at the loss of his brother. i saw him lead his family in the beginning of the healing process. i embraced him and was reminded what brotherhood was. i realized that all this time he has always been my brother, always been that friend i was seeking. i had simply forgotten.
in the midst of it all i was able to meet new friends and form new bonds. i was able to laugh through my sorrow, and i was able to cry through my pain. after all, laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. i learned lessons on justice and freedom. i felt needed. i felt wanted. but most importantly, i felt present. there was not a single moment where i was in another world or engrossed in some introspective fantasy. i was able to be myself. and i like it. i liked that i felt affirmed by showing love to people who were hurting.
these few days i have been reminded how blessed i am to have a god who is present in sorrow. thursday i railed against him and his transcendent arrogance. today i fell before him and his immanent love. i helped carry the casket of a young man who touched my life, who touched the lives of many. i carried the casket of a young man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
in a few minutes i'm going to go to bed. i'm going to fall into a deep sleep that will end one of the longest days of my life. tomorrow i will reenter the real world a different person. my thoughts are raw and unorganized, and i know the coming days will give me time to process through the emotions i have felt this weekend. but for now there are no words left to me. i am empty. i am drained. i am dried up. but i am alive. and i thank god for that gift.
today i heard my best friend say that blood does not make a family. i saw him broken at the loss of his brother. i saw him lead his family in the beginning of the healing process. i embraced him and was reminded what brotherhood was. i realized that all this time he has always been my brother, always been that friend i was seeking. i had simply forgotten.
in the midst of it all i was able to meet new friends and form new bonds. i was able to laugh through my sorrow, and i was able to cry through my pain. after all, laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. i learned lessons on justice and freedom. i felt needed. i felt wanted. but most importantly, i felt present. there was not a single moment where i was in another world or engrossed in some introspective fantasy. i was able to be myself. and i like it. i liked that i felt affirmed by showing love to people who were hurting.
these few days i have been reminded how blessed i am to have a god who is present in sorrow. thursday i railed against him and his transcendent arrogance. today i fell before him and his immanent love. i helped carry the casket of a young man who touched my life, who touched the lives of many. i carried the casket of a young man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
in a few minutes i'm going to go to bed. i'm going to fall into a deep sleep that will end one of the longest days of my life. tomorrow i will reenter the real world a different person. my thoughts are raw and unorganized, and i know the coming days will give me time to process through the emotions i have felt this weekend. but for now there are no words left to me. i am empty. i am drained. i am dried up. but i am alive. and i thank god for that gift.
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