worship?

i am completely unable to comprehend the depths to which my spiritual upheaval grows more interesting with every passing day. on one hand i am struggling at every turn with every theological issue in existence (thanks Belmont SOR). i have beliefs i hold that would make the most fundamental southern baptist feel a chill run up his spine...and despite popular belief, that's not just because i like a good argument. quite the contrary, but that's a blog for another time. i have no problem holding beliefs with which others do not agree. i do not find that to be a problem until others make it a problem. sometimes i wonder how logical i can be when it comes to religion, always the small voice in the back of my mind whispering the word "faith" and shaking a proverbial finger at me.

but i love to worship my god. especially through music. here i am at a retreat in the middle of pitsniff, fl (not really...i think its like fruit park or something like that...the point is that we're in the middle of nowhere) in the midst of a winter retreat geared toward middle and high schoolers where the commonly shared doctrine stands (more often than not) in stark contrast to my own personal theology. and yet i just stood in the back of the chapel and let myself give my full body over to the worship of my god through song and dance. my body was a living sacrifice of worship in the moment.

is it so strange to be a student of religion in the academy and still stand in awe of god? i have such conflict here. the more i study, the more screwed up i become. i grow consistently distant from the tradition of my upbringing. i get more and more frustrated with the state of the church. i was told by a pastor three years ago, "the state of the church is the state of our hearts." man. that's a packed statement. but i don't know if i can believe that's true until the church realizes as a whole that it is. that was poorly worded.

i can believe that the state of the church is the state of my heart all i want, but it won't change things until everyone in the church believes that too. so...i don't really know what i meant to talk about here. but i do know that i worshipped god tonight. and it was amazing. it was shocking. it was humbling. it was painful. it was confusing. but maybe that's how worship always should be.