worship?

i am completely unable to comprehend the depths to which my spiritual upheaval grows more interesting with every passing day. on one hand i am struggling at every turn with every theological issue in existence (thanks Belmont SOR). i have beliefs i hold that would make the most fundamental southern baptist feel a chill run up his spine...and despite popular belief, that's not just because i like a good argument. quite the contrary, but that's a blog for another time. i have no problem holding beliefs with which others do not agree. i do not find that to be a problem until others make it a problem. sometimes i wonder how logical i can be when it comes to religion, always the small voice in the back of my mind whispering the word "faith" and shaking a proverbial finger at me.

but i love to worship my god. especially through music. here i am at a retreat in the middle of pitsniff, fl (not really...i think its like fruit park or something like that...the point is that we're in the middle of nowhere) in the midst of a winter retreat geared toward middle and high schoolers where the commonly shared doctrine stands (more often than not) in stark contrast to my own personal theology. and yet i just stood in the back of the chapel and let myself give my full body over to the worship of my god through song and dance. my body was a living sacrifice of worship in the moment.

is it so strange to be a student of religion in the academy and still stand in awe of god? i have such conflict here. the more i study, the more screwed up i become. i grow consistently distant from the tradition of my upbringing. i get more and more frustrated with the state of the church. i was told by a pastor three years ago, "the state of the church is the state of our hearts." man. that's a packed statement. but i don't know if i can believe that's true until the church realizes as a whole that it is. that was poorly worded.

i can believe that the state of the church is the state of my heart all i want, but it won't change things until everyone in the church believes that too. so...i don't really know what i meant to talk about here. but i do know that i worshipped god tonight. and it was amazing. it was shocking. it was humbling. it was painful. it was confusing. but maybe that's how worship always should be.

on retreats, sunrise, and theology

i love going on retreats. especially with junior high and high school students. that's where i am this week. i get to enjoy watching some students experience god in new ways and other encounter god in old ways. it is beautiful. i have thoroughly missed working with students.

this morning i woke up at the crack of dawn to watch the sunrise over the lake. it was breathtaking. i quite honestly hate mornings, and considering my body told me it was 5am (we're and hour ahead here in florida) i was amazed that i actually got up. but it was totally worth it. sunrises are a thin place for me, a place where i can feel god up close. i am fairly certain that this week is going to be filled with those thin places.

on the complete other end of the spectrum, i'm with a group of students from a church when most of my beliefs would either be considered (wrongly) heretical or unimportant. i've already once been told by an adult on the trip that i'm only twenty, so my opinions are bound to change so i really should hold on to my current beliefs too strongly. i'm only twenty. because that means i'm unable to have worked through some of my beliefs. it is frustrating, but i am relying on god to keep me honest and respectful. i have refused to argue about social, political, and theological issues thus far (even though several have tried to bait me into these arguments), and i don't plan for that to change.

but the good definitely overbears the bad. and i'm honestly relieved to be here.

goodbye

goodbye, goodbye dear nashville,
i must leave you for a spell.
it's christmas time in bama,
and yes, i can hear the bell.

the stockings are all hung
on the ritter house's hearth
the picture ornaments are on the tree
my mom has done her part

i'm sure dad helped along the way
to put out this year's decor
so all thats left for me to do
is walk through my front door

for now i'm stuck in packing hell
i just can't seem to get it
but i'll just throw it in my car
right down to the last minute

so merry christmas to the three of you
who read my blog each day
i'm heading home to celebrate
and i've nothing left to say

what words are there for a tragedy

i just spent three days surrounded by grief. it was a tight, intense envelope that pushed in from all sides. it did not suspend joy. it did not bar laughter. but it was still tangible. i watched a mother mourn so hard that she was physically in pain. i watched family and friends surround each other with a pure, unhindered outpouring of love. i watched my best friend be the head of his family, helping them to put one foot in front of the other. i had the opportunity to stand in the thin moment between the breaking and healing of hearts. it was remarkable. it was humbling.

today i heard my best friend say that blood does not make a family. i saw him broken at the loss of his brother. i saw him lead his family in the beginning of the healing process. i embraced him and was reminded what brotherhood was. i realized that all this time he has always been my brother, always been that friend i was seeking. i had simply forgotten.

in the midst of it all i was able to meet new friends and form new bonds. i was able to laugh through my sorrow, and i was able to cry through my pain. after all, laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. i learned lessons on justice and freedom. i felt needed. i felt wanted. but most importantly, i felt present. there was not a single moment where i was in another world or engrossed in some introspective fantasy. i was able to be myself. and i like it. i liked that i felt affirmed by showing love to people who were hurting.

these few days i have been reminded how blessed i am to have a god who is present in sorrow. thursday i railed against him and his transcendent arrogance. today i fell before him and his immanent love. i helped carry the casket of a young man who touched my life, who touched the lives of many. i carried the casket of a young man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

in a few minutes i'm going to go to bed. i'm going to fall into a deep sleep that will end one of the longest days of my life. tomorrow i will reenter the real world a different person. my thoughts are raw and unorganized, and i know the coming days will give me time to process through the emotions i have felt this weekend. but for now there are no words left to me. i am empty. i am drained. i am dried up. but i am alive. and i thank god for that gift.

this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

There aren’t words enough to express loss on such a scale. There are wounds so deep that love can’t help but flow freely from them. When someone is taken so violently from us that whiplash is the initial response, it is impossible to find reason in the midst of the ensuing emotional chaos. I, for one, petition God as to why death can happen like it does. I scroll through every theological concept I have ever studied and flip through every article or book on grief within reach to struggle through the drowning flood of sorrow. I find that no answers ever come to me in that way. Ever. So then I take the route I always end up taking in the end. I reflect on the person I have lost, not the manner in which I lost him.

Derek was a spirit of creativity. Since our first meeting, my mind has been boggled at his unique capacity for genuine humor, be it innocent or not (and quite honestly the latter always made my day). He had more imagination in his pinky than I did in my whole body. I was consistently amazed at his propensity to take something as random as a tube sock and create a character that drove people to laughter. Derek was perpetual motion embodied, and I always experienced him as this blur of color, the mini-me of my best friend. And let me tell you, Derek and Taylor together was more dangerous than playing hacky-sack with nitroglycerine. The dynamic duo of the Massey brothers never ceased to amaze me. I can typically keep Taylor from getting into too much of a mess, but Derek was always the inextinguishable fuse that lit the dynamite of their pairing.

Albus Dumbledore once remarked, “The ones we love never truly leave us.” I think Derek would appreciate that sentiment. He had a profound effect on the people who knew him, and it was impossible to know him and not feel better for it. I know that, personally, his legacy of creativity, ingenuity, and pure humor will always resonate with my soul. Derek thrived when put on the spot, whether through wildly entertaining prank calls, ask Stanley, or the production of the most laboriously low-budget superhero indie film ever created. It is impossible for me to mourn the loss of Derek without immediately thinking of all the joy he brought to my own life in the time I knew him.

There is a line in a song that seems so perfect in this moment: the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. Rest in peace Derek. And because I know you’d appreciate it, may the Force be with you.

wesa gonna speed yousa away*

today at 2pm i will finish my last class of the semester. i figured it was a good time to sit and reflect on some things from this fall that stand out as fairly signifcant.

first, i should mention, that this semester has absolutely flown by. i cannot in recent memory recall a span of time moving by so quickly. it honestly seems like yesterday i was on the university ministries leadership retreat. it seems like moments ago i was in africa. it quite frankly scares me to death that life is moving by at such a pace. i know that i'm only 20, but each year moves by a little faster.

now that that's out of the way, taking stock of this semester brings several things to mind.

1. i am simply made to work for university admissions. i love it. i am passionate about it. i can quite honestly see myself enjoying a tenure as an admissions officer (preferrably at belmont).
2. i cannot go another semester without being in a choir. i took this semester off from pops, and the musician in me has violently reacted against this. next semester i'll make my triumphant return to a musical ensemble that pales in comparison to the group that is so dear to my heart...but i have to sing. i'm just wired that way
3. i had a record number of theology-related freakouts this semester, everything from my worthlessness as a theologian to my inability to write competitively. it was both an illuminating semester and a challenging one in that area.
4. i have a girlfriend who challenges me and humbles me. i wonder more often than not how it is that i'm so blessed. for some reason my imperfections are ignored (or in some cases exploited) by her. it truly boggles the mind.
5. my family is my rock. in spite of my craziness they stand by me and behind me. my parents are easily becoming two of my best friends which kind of freaks me out. it makes me wish that kids were able to have that kind of relationship with their parents more quickly.
6. i don't like this whole living in california thing my sister and brother-in-law are up to. it's way too far away for my tastes. i do love where they live though, and the magic of skype has been a godsend in this process. all that aside, i still don't like this whole long-distance brothering thing...and i thought hoover to chattenooga was long-distance!
7. i am growing tired of my cyclical relationship with the church. it quite frankly pisses me off that i can't make up my mind on whether i like church or not. i know that's an ever-continuous process, but i would be very appreciative if it would all just workout. however, i have coined a few memorable quotes along the line...my favorite being: "tony jones is the like the jerry falwell of the emerging church."

so that's a little list of reflections. i'm sure there will be more stream-of-consciousness reflection on my part by the time exams are over. oh exams...why...

*ok...for all you hardcore star wars fans, i apologize for the jar jar binks quote above...however, it is an appropriate title

FDR's speach

Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

The United States was at peace with that nation, and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American island of Oahu, the Japanese ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our secretary of state a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

Yesterday the Japanese government also launched as attack against Malaya.

Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong.

Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam.

Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

Last night Japanese forces attacked Wake Island.

And this morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As commander in chief of the Army and Navy I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us. . .

updates

before i began this blog in april of last year i had two other blogs. one was on my now defunct myspace page and the other was a livejournal. so today, in an effort to have all my thoughts in one place, and to see my transformation over time, i copied most of those blog entries and post-dated them here. there are 26 entries ranging from july29, 2005 - january 5, 2007. i think it's pretty exciting.

and in an effort to display some of the change over time, i’m going to fill out a survey on here that i first completed on november 5, 2005. you can check that one out here. so here we go:

10 years ago i was:
- 10 years old
- playing star wars
- had jennifer roberts for a teacher
- was anticipating the release of star wars episode i
- was writing a novella with my 5^th grade class

5 years ago i was:
- 15 years old
- in 10th grade
- taking two separate choir classes (concert and park singers)
- playing star wars
- waiting for episode 3 to come out

1 year ago i was:
- in a relationship
- 19 years old
- still playing star wars
- getting ready for exams
- in the midst of growing my hair out long

yesterday i:
- was still playing star wars (seriously)
- made peppermint bark
- was frustrated because both my classes were cancelled but i still had to be on campus
- was dressed in crimson and white in celebration of the crimson tide
- accepted some peoples’ belmont applications while working the desk in admissions

5 snacks i enjoy [in order of enjoyment]:
- terra chips
- milk
- starburst jellybeans
- everything free cool whip
- peppermint tootsie roll pops

5 songs i know all the words to:
- raindrops will fall (tamyra gray)
- defying gravity (wicked)
- so small (carrie underwood)
- the lighthouse’s tale (nickel creek)
- remember when it rained (josh groban)

5 things i would do with 100 million dollars:
- go back to africa
- buy a house
- pay for college
- save most of it
- travel the world

5 places i would run away to:
- charleston
- cape town
- gorham’s bluff
- home
- nashville (if i wasn’t here)

5 things i would never wear:
- nothing
- abrecrombie and fitch
- real animal fur (fake is fine)
- hollister
- aeropostale

5 favorite tv shows:
- the west wing
- battlestar galactica
- the clone wars (the new one)
- south park
- family guy

5 bad habits:
- letting dishes pile up in the sink
- spending money unnecessarily
- fielding calls
- procrastinating
- reading for fun when i should be reading for class

5 biggest joys:
- alex
- matevana hot tea
- being a belmont student
- my family
- playing the piano

5 fictional characters i would date:
(if i were single and a self admitted nerd)
- æon flux
- kara thrace (bsg)
- padme amidala (star wars)
- hermione granger (harry potter)

- c.j. craig (the west wing)...if she was a bit younger

from books...part 1

reading is my favorite thing on the face of the planet to do. for some reason tonight books were on my mind. so here is a list of my favorite books, books i could read over and over again (some i've read many times). in my opinion, everyone should read these books.

ex libris by anne fadiman

"to us, a book's words were holy, but the paper, cloth, cardboard, glue, thread, and ink that contained them were a mere vessel, and it was no sacrilege to treat them as wantonly as desire and pragmatism dictated. hard use was a sign not of disrespect but of intimacy."

the cure by sonia levitin

"'simply put,' relplied the elder, 'we are shaped by our experiences. this experience will, if we are successful, completely erase your deviant desire to make music. music-that road to emotion, to passion, to deviance-will be erased from your mind. the very thought of music will be totally repugnant to you. you will be, in other words, perfectly adapted. cured.'"

narrative of the life of frederick douglass by himself

"the truth was, i felt myself a slave, and the idea of speaking to white people weighted me down. i spoke but a few moments, when i felt a degree of freedom, and said what i desired with considerable ease. from that time until now, i have been engaged in pleading the cause of my brethren-with what success, and with what devotion, i leave those acquainted with my labors to decide."

the little prince by antoine de saint-exupery, translated by katherine woods

"i did not know what to say to him. i felt awkward and blundering. i did not know how i could reach him, where i could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more. it is such a secret place, the land of tears."

1984 by george orwell

"the thing that he was about to do was to open a diary. this was not illegal (nothing was illegal, since there were no longer any laws)..."

my daniel by pam conrad

"some of this story is true. some of it's lies. no brontosaurus has ever been found in nebraska, but i'm partial to nebraska, and all my own fossils and bones come from there. and while i never heard of a young girl in nebraska taking part in a dinosaur adventure, there was once a young girl in england in 1810 who made an important dinosaur discover with the help of her brother. so this story could have happened like it says, almost, but it didn't really, not exactly anyway."

fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury

"it was a pleasure to burn. it was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed. with the brass nozzle in his fists, with this great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world, the blood pounded in his head, and his hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history."

the poisonwood bible by barbara kingsolver

"you can curse the dead or pray for them, but don't expect them to do a thing for you. they're far too interested in watching us, to see what in heaven's name we will do next."

the westing game by ellen raskin

"the sun sets in the west (just about everyone knows that), but sunset towers faced east. strange! sunset towers faced east and had no towers. this glittery, glassy apartment house stood alone on the lake michigan shore five stories high. five empty sotries high. then one day (it happened to be the fourth of july), a most uncommon-looking delivery boy rode around town slipping letters under the doors of the chosen tenants-to-be. the letters were signed barney northrup. the delivery boy was sixty-two years old, and there was no such person as braney northrup."

the giver by lois lowry

"jonas reached the opposite side of the river, stopped briefly, and looked back. the community where his life had been lived lay behind him now, sleeping. at dawn, the orderly, disciplined life he had always known would continue again, without him. the life where nothing was ever unexpected. or inconvenient. or unusual. the life without color, pain, or past."

their eyes were watching god by zora neale hurston

"the people all saw her come because it was sundown. the sun was gone, but he had left his footprints in the sky. it was the time for sitting on porches beside the road. it was the time to hear things and talk. these sitters had been tongueless, earless, eyeless conveniences all day long. mules and other brutes had occupied their skins. but now, the sun and the bossman were gone, so the skins felt powerful and human. they became lords of sounds and lesser things. they passed nations through their mouths. they sat in judgment."

why i love sec football

i have to take this from my brother-in-law because his writing is brilliant, and it perfectly captures my feelings:

*

When we're talking about college football, in the southeast, it's an obsession unlike anything else. No cultural phenomenon besides religion --- and sociologists have written papers calling southern college football a religion unto itself -- has as widespread an effect on southerners' lives as college football. Kids are named after coaches. Wedding dates are changed so games can be watched. Vacations are planned around bowl games. It infiltrates every aspect of many people's lives.

*

The key to SEC football -- the reason it has such an obsessive following -- is because it's the best. And it's the best, quite simply, because it has to be. If teams from the west coast or the midwest don't perform, then some die-hard fans will take it pretty hard, and everyone else will go about their lives. But in towns like Tuscaloosa or Oxford or Athens or Knoxville, when their teams are losing, then the tea isn't so sweet, the porches aren't so inviting, the heat isn't so bearable, and the Holy Spirit isn't quite so immanent.

*
And this is why it's the best. When you live in states that rank in the bottom 10 in education, when your economy is lagging and blue-collar jobs are being outsourced overseas, you need to be the best at something. So money is poured into these programs, attracting the best coaches. Children are bred for gridiron greatness, and when they hit 18, they're on their way to State U, meaning these schools get the best athletes. It feeds on itself.

*

as to SEC etiquette:

Girls, buy dresses -- at least one for every home game -- in your team's colors. Guys, wear an oxford shirt and chinos. Put the whiskey -- Jack Daniel's if you're an SEC West team, Jim Beam if you're in the East -- in your inside blazer pocket. Remember your chants, especially before kickoffs and after touchdowns. Other than that, just yell until you pass out.