worship?

i am completely unable to comprehend the depths to which my spiritual upheaval grows more interesting with every passing day. on one hand i am struggling at every turn with every theological issue in existence (thanks Belmont SOR). i have beliefs i hold that would make the most fundamental southern baptist feel a chill run up his spine...and despite popular belief, that's not just because i like a good argument. quite the contrary, but that's a blog for another time. i have no problem holding beliefs with which others do not agree. i do not find that to be a problem until others make it a problem. sometimes i wonder how logical i can be when it comes to religion, always the small voice in the back of my mind whispering the word "faith" and shaking a proverbial finger at me.

but i love to worship my god. especially through music. here i am at a retreat in the middle of pitsniff, fl (not really...i think its like fruit park or something like that...the point is that we're in the middle of nowhere) in the midst of a winter retreat geared toward middle and high schoolers where the commonly shared doctrine stands (more often than not) in stark contrast to my own personal theology. and yet i just stood in the back of the chapel and let myself give my full body over to the worship of my god through song and dance. my body was a living sacrifice of worship in the moment.

is it so strange to be a student of religion in the academy and still stand in awe of god? i have such conflict here. the more i study, the more screwed up i become. i grow consistently distant from the tradition of my upbringing. i get more and more frustrated with the state of the church. i was told by a pastor three years ago, "the state of the church is the state of our hearts." man. that's a packed statement. but i don't know if i can believe that's true until the church realizes as a whole that it is. that was poorly worded.

i can believe that the state of the church is the state of my heart all i want, but it won't change things until everyone in the church believes that too. so...i don't really know what i meant to talk about here. but i do know that i worshipped god tonight. and it was amazing. it was shocking. it was humbling. it was painful. it was confusing. but maybe that's how worship always should be.

on retreats, sunrise, and theology

i love going on retreats. especially with junior high and high school students. that's where i am this week. i get to enjoy watching some students experience god in new ways and other encounter god in old ways. it is beautiful. i have thoroughly missed working with students.

this morning i woke up at the crack of dawn to watch the sunrise over the lake. it was breathtaking. i quite honestly hate mornings, and considering my body told me it was 5am (we're and hour ahead here in florida) i was amazed that i actually got up. but it was totally worth it. sunrises are a thin place for me, a place where i can feel god up close. i am fairly certain that this week is going to be filled with those thin places.

on the complete other end of the spectrum, i'm with a group of students from a church when most of my beliefs would either be considered (wrongly) heretical or unimportant. i've already once been told by an adult on the trip that i'm only twenty, so my opinions are bound to change so i really should hold on to my current beliefs too strongly. i'm only twenty. because that means i'm unable to have worked through some of my beliefs. it is frustrating, but i am relying on god to keep me honest and respectful. i have refused to argue about social, political, and theological issues thus far (even though several have tried to bait me into these arguments), and i don't plan for that to change.

but the good definitely overbears the bad. and i'm honestly relieved to be here.

goodbye

goodbye, goodbye dear nashville,
i must leave you for a spell.
it's christmas time in bama,
and yes, i can hear the bell.

the stockings are all hung
on the ritter house's hearth
the picture ornaments are on the tree
my mom has done her part

i'm sure dad helped along the way
to put out this year's decor
so all thats left for me to do
is walk through my front door

for now i'm stuck in packing hell
i just can't seem to get it
but i'll just throw it in my car
right down to the last minute

so merry christmas to the three of you
who read my blog each day
i'm heading home to celebrate
and i've nothing left to say

what words are there for a tragedy

i just spent three days surrounded by grief. it was a tight, intense envelope that pushed in from all sides. it did not suspend joy. it did not bar laughter. but it was still tangible. i watched a mother mourn so hard that she was physically in pain. i watched family and friends surround each other with a pure, unhindered outpouring of love. i watched my best friend be the head of his family, helping them to put one foot in front of the other. i had the opportunity to stand in the thin moment between the breaking and healing of hearts. it was remarkable. it was humbling.

today i heard my best friend say that blood does not make a family. i saw him broken at the loss of his brother. i saw him lead his family in the beginning of the healing process. i embraced him and was reminded what brotherhood was. i realized that all this time he has always been my brother, always been that friend i was seeking. i had simply forgotten.

in the midst of it all i was able to meet new friends and form new bonds. i was able to laugh through my sorrow, and i was able to cry through my pain. after all, laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. i learned lessons on justice and freedom. i felt needed. i felt wanted. but most importantly, i felt present. there was not a single moment where i was in another world or engrossed in some introspective fantasy. i was able to be myself. and i like it. i liked that i felt affirmed by showing love to people who were hurting.

these few days i have been reminded how blessed i am to have a god who is present in sorrow. thursday i railed against him and his transcendent arrogance. today i fell before him and his immanent love. i helped carry the casket of a young man who touched my life, who touched the lives of many. i carried the casket of a young man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

in a few minutes i'm going to go to bed. i'm going to fall into a deep sleep that will end one of the longest days of my life. tomorrow i will reenter the real world a different person. my thoughts are raw and unorganized, and i know the coming days will give me time to process through the emotions i have felt this weekend. but for now there are no words left to me. i am empty. i am drained. i am dried up. but i am alive. and i thank god for that gift.

this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

There aren’t words enough to express loss on such a scale. There are wounds so deep that love can’t help but flow freely from them. When someone is taken so violently from us that whiplash is the initial response, it is impossible to find reason in the midst of the ensuing emotional chaos. I, for one, petition God as to why death can happen like it does. I scroll through every theological concept I have ever studied and flip through every article or book on grief within reach to struggle through the drowning flood of sorrow. I find that no answers ever come to me in that way. Ever. So then I take the route I always end up taking in the end. I reflect on the person I have lost, not the manner in which I lost him.

Derek was a spirit of creativity. Since our first meeting, my mind has been boggled at his unique capacity for genuine humor, be it innocent or not (and quite honestly the latter always made my day). He had more imagination in his pinky than I did in my whole body. I was consistently amazed at his propensity to take something as random as a tube sock and create a character that drove people to laughter. Derek was perpetual motion embodied, and I always experienced him as this blur of color, the mini-me of my best friend. And let me tell you, Derek and Taylor together was more dangerous than playing hacky-sack with nitroglycerine. The dynamic duo of the Massey brothers never ceased to amaze me. I can typically keep Taylor from getting into too much of a mess, but Derek was always the inextinguishable fuse that lit the dynamite of their pairing.

Albus Dumbledore once remarked, “The ones we love never truly leave us.” I think Derek would appreciate that sentiment. He had a profound effect on the people who knew him, and it was impossible to know him and not feel better for it. I know that, personally, his legacy of creativity, ingenuity, and pure humor will always resonate with my soul. Derek thrived when put on the spot, whether through wildly entertaining prank calls, ask Stanley, or the production of the most laboriously low-budget superhero indie film ever created. It is impossible for me to mourn the loss of Derek without immediately thinking of all the joy he brought to my own life in the time I knew him.

There is a line in a song that seems so perfect in this moment: the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. Rest in peace Derek. And because I know you’d appreciate it, may the Force be with you.

wesa gonna speed yousa away*

today at 2pm i will finish my last class of the semester. i figured it was a good time to sit and reflect on some things from this fall that stand out as fairly signifcant.

first, i should mention, that this semester has absolutely flown by. i cannot in recent memory recall a span of time moving by so quickly. it honestly seems like yesterday i was on the university ministries leadership retreat. it seems like moments ago i was in africa. it quite frankly scares me to death that life is moving by at such a pace. i know that i'm only 20, but each year moves by a little faster.

now that that's out of the way, taking stock of this semester brings several things to mind.

1. i am simply made to work for university admissions. i love it. i am passionate about it. i can quite honestly see myself enjoying a tenure as an admissions officer (preferrably at belmont).
2. i cannot go another semester without being in a choir. i took this semester off from pops, and the musician in me has violently reacted against this. next semester i'll make my triumphant return to a musical ensemble that pales in comparison to the group that is so dear to my heart...but i have to sing. i'm just wired that way
3. i had a record number of theology-related freakouts this semester, everything from my worthlessness as a theologian to my inability to write competitively. it was both an illuminating semester and a challenging one in that area.
4. i have a girlfriend who challenges me and humbles me. i wonder more often than not how it is that i'm so blessed. for some reason my imperfections are ignored (or in some cases exploited) by her. it truly boggles the mind.
5. my family is my rock. in spite of my craziness they stand by me and behind me. my parents are easily becoming two of my best friends which kind of freaks me out. it makes me wish that kids were able to have that kind of relationship with their parents more quickly.
6. i don't like this whole living in california thing my sister and brother-in-law are up to. it's way too far away for my tastes. i do love where they live though, and the magic of skype has been a godsend in this process. all that aside, i still don't like this whole long-distance brothering thing...and i thought hoover to chattenooga was long-distance!
7. i am growing tired of my cyclical relationship with the church. it quite frankly pisses me off that i can't make up my mind on whether i like church or not. i know that's an ever-continuous process, but i would be very appreciative if it would all just workout. however, i have coined a few memorable quotes along the line...my favorite being: "tony jones is the like the jerry falwell of the emerging church."

so that's a little list of reflections. i'm sure there will be more stream-of-consciousness reflection on my part by the time exams are over. oh exams...why...

*ok...for all you hardcore star wars fans, i apologize for the jar jar binks quote above...however, it is an appropriate title

FDR's speach

Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

The United States was at peace with that nation, and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American island of Oahu, the Japanese ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our secretary of state a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

Yesterday the Japanese government also launched as attack against Malaya.

Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong.

Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam.

Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

Last night Japanese forces attacked Wake Island.

And this morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As commander in chief of the Army and Navy I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us. . .

updates

before i began this blog in april of last year i had two other blogs. one was on my now defunct myspace page and the other was a livejournal. so today, in an effort to have all my thoughts in one place, and to see my transformation over time, i copied most of those blog entries and post-dated them here. there are 26 entries ranging from july29, 2005 - january 5, 2007. i think it's pretty exciting.

and in an effort to display some of the change over time, i’m going to fill out a survey on here that i first completed on november 5, 2005. you can check that one out here. so here we go:

10 years ago i was:
- 10 years old
- playing star wars
- had jennifer roberts for a teacher
- was anticipating the release of star wars episode i
- was writing a novella with my 5^th grade class

5 years ago i was:
- 15 years old
- in 10th grade
- taking two separate choir classes (concert and park singers)
- playing star wars
- waiting for episode 3 to come out

1 year ago i was:
- in a relationship
- 19 years old
- still playing star wars
- getting ready for exams
- in the midst of growing my hair out long

yesterday i:
- was still playing star wars (seriously)
- made peppermint bark
- was frustrated because both my classes were cancelled but i still had to be on campus
- was dressed in crimson and white in celebration of the crimson tide
- accepted some peoples’ belmont applications while working the desk in admissions

5 snacks i enjoy [in order of enjoyment]:
- terra chips
- milk
- starburst jellybeans
- everything free cool whip
- peppermint tootsie roll pops

5 songs i know all the words to:
- raindrops will fall (tamyra gray)
- defying gravity (wicked)
- so small (carrie underwood)
- the lighthouse’s tale (nickel creek)
- remember when it rained (josh groban)

5 things i would do with 100 million dollars:
- go back to africa
- buy a house
- pay for college
- save most of it
- travel the world

5 places i would run away to:
- charleston
- cape town
- gorham’s bluff
- home
- nashville (if i wasn’t here)

5 things i would never wear:
- nothing
- abrecrombie and fitch
- real animal fur (fake is fine)
- hollister
- aeropostale

5 favorite tv shows:
- the west wing
- battlestar galactica
- the clone wars (the new one)
- south park
- family guy

5 bad habits:
- letting dishes pile up in the sink
- spending money unnecessarily
- fielding calls
- procrastinating
- reading for fun when i should be reading for class

5 biggest joys:
- alex
- matevana hot tea
- being a belmont student
- my family
- playing the piano

5 fictional characters i would date:
(if i were single and a self admitted nerd)
- æon flux
- kara thrace (bsg)
- padme amidala (star wars)
- hermione granger (harry potter)

- c.j. craig (the west wing)...if she was a bit younger

from books...part 1

reading is my favorite thing on the face of the planet to do. for some reason tonight books were on my mind. so here is a list of my favorite books, books i could read over and over again (some i've read many times). in my opinion, everyone should read these books.

ex libris by anne fadiman

"to us, a book's words were holy, but the paper, cloth, cardboard, glue, thread, and ink that contained them were a mere vessel, and it was no sacrilege to treat them as wantonly as desire and pragmatism dictated. hard use was a sign not of disrespect but of intimacy."

the cure by sonia levitin

"'simply put,' relplied the elder, 'we are shaped by our experiences. this experience will, if we are successful, completely erase your deviant desire to make music. music-that road to emotion, to passion, to deviance-will be erased from your mind. the very thought of music will be totally repugnant to you. you will be, in other words, perfectly adapted. cured.'"

narrative of the life of frederick douglass by himself

"the truth was, i felt myself a slave, and the idea of speaking to white people weighted me down. i spoke but a few moments, when i felt a degree of freedom, and said what i desired with considerable ease. from that time until now, i have been engaged in pleading the cause of my brethren-with what success, and with what devotion, i leave those acquainted with my labors to decide."

the little prince by antoine de saint-exupery, translated by katherine woods

"i did not know what to say to him. i felt awkward and blundering. i did not know how i could reach him, where i could overtake him and go on hand in hand with him once more. it is such a secret place, the land of tears."

1984 by george orwell

"the thing that he was about to do was to open a diary. this was not illegal (nothing was illegal, since there were no longer any laws)..."

my daniel by pam conrad

"some of this story is true. some of it's lies. no brontosaurus has ever been found in nebraska, but i'm partial to nebraska, and all my own fossils and bones come from there. and while i never heard of a young girl in nebraska taking part in a dinosaur adventure, there was once a young girl in england in 1810 who made an important dinosaur discover with the help of her brother. so this story could have happened like it says, almost, but it didn't really, not exactly anyway."

fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury

"it was a pleasure to burn. it was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed. with the brass nozzle in his fists, with this great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world, the blood pounded in his head, and his hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history."

the poisonwood bible by barbara kingsolver

"you can curse the dead or pray for them, but don't expect them to do a thing for you. they're far too interested in watching us, to see what in heaven's name we will do next."

the westing game by ellen raskin

"the sun sets in the west (just about everyone knows that), but sunset towers faced east. strange! sunset towers faced east and had no towers. this glittery, glassy apartment house stood alone on the lake michigan shore five stories high. five empty sotries high. then one day (it happened to be the fourth of july), a most uncommon-looking delivery boy rode around town slipping letters under the doors of the chosen tenants-to-be. the letters were signed barney northrup. the delivery boy was sixty-two years old, and there was no such person as braney northrup."

the giver by lois lowry

"jonas reached the opposite side of the river, stopped briefly, and looked back. the community where his life had been lived lay behind him now, sleeping. at dawn, the orderly, disciplined life he had always known would continue again, without him. the life where nothing was ever unexpected. or inconvenient. or unusual. the life without color, pain, or past."

their eyes were watching god by zora neale hurston

"the people all saw her come because it was sundown. the sun was gone, but he had left his footprints in the sky. it was the time for sitting on porches beside the road. it was the time to hear things and talk. these sitters had been tongueless, earless, eyeless conveniences all day long. mules and other brutes had occupied their skins. but now, the sun and the bossman were gone, so the skins felt powerful and human. they became lords of sounds and lesser things. they passed nations through their mouths. they sat in judgment."

why i love sec football

i have to take this from my brother-in-law because his writing is brilliant, and it perfectly captures my feelings:

*

When we're talking about college football, in the southeast, it's an obsession unlike anything else. No cultural phenomenon besides religion --- and sociologists have written papers calling southern college football a religion unto itself -- has as widespread an effect on southerners' lives as college football. Kids are named after coaches. Wedding dates are changed so games can be watched. Vacations are planned around bowl games. It infiltrates every aspect of many people's lives.

*

The key to SEC football -- the reason it has such an obsessive following -- is because it's the best. And it's the best, quite simply, because it has to be. If teams from the west coast or the midwest don't perform, then some die-hard fans will take it pretty hard, and everyone else will go about their lives. But in towns like Tuscaloosa or Oxford or Athens or Knoxville, when their teams are losing, then the tea isn't so sweet, the porches aren't so inviting, the heat isn't so bearable, and the Holy Spirit isn't quite so immanent.

*
And this is why it's the best. When you live in states that rank in the bottom 10 in education, when your economy is lagging and blue-collar jobs are being outsourced overseas, you need to be the best at something. So money is poured into these programs, attracting the best coaches. Children are bred for gridiron greatness, and when they hit 18, they're on their way to State U, meaning these schools get the best athletes. It feeds on itself.

*

as to SEC etiquette:

Girls, buy dresses -- at least one for every home game -- in your team's colors. Guys, wear an oxford shirt and chinos. Put the whiskey -- Jack Daniel's if you're an SEC West team, Jim Beam if you're in the East -- in your inside blazer pocket. Remember your chants, especially before kickoffs and after touchdowns. Other than that, just yell until you pass out.

it felt like christmas tonight

i just have a few pictures from an amazing night with alex. we went to the opryland hotel (she had never been before) and looked at all the lights. we also did the carriage ride. first, we had delicious sushi at ru san's. it made for a perfect evening.

4 stars

i really don't have any commentary on this. it's just pretty awesome.

click here

being left behind

not so long ago i remember saying that my greatest desire was to be part of a new revolution within the church. my passion and zeal for this goal were important enough to me that i delved into authors like brian mclaren, rob bell, and donald miller. i read their works and decided to throw out much of my religious upbringing. i rebelled vehemently against my traditional southern baptist roots under the guise of "thinking for myself." i even quit going to church for a year because i felt i was called to a different kind of community. when i did begin going to church again, i joined a church that, in concept and design, militated violently against the church setting of my childhood and youth. i joined a school of religion in order to advance my knowledge and comprehension of scripture and religion.

but where has that brought me?

i feel like i've left behind my zeal for reformation. it is no less a part of who i am, but i think i've become too disillusioned, too tired of working toward change. i haven't been to church in almost a month again. the strange thing is that i have nothing against my church this time like i have in the past.

could it be that i actually miss some of the tradition of my childhood?

i had all these preconceptions about what being an adult in church would be like. all these desires to grow up back before the epic turns of 2001 and my religious awakening of 2007. i think a part of me wishes i was part of a southern baptist church like the one i grew up in. not for the size. not for the sunday school class. most certainly not for the pastor. but for the things i feel like i've missed.

and that, i'm pretty sure, is the heart of it all.

honesty

prompted by my friend jeff

wouldn't it be amazing if we were all just openly honest with each other? it would be exceptionally difficult, and there would undoubtedly be hurt feelings at first, but at least we'd know where we really stand with each other. so i'm going to introduce myself...honestly.

disclaimer: do not respond with encouragement or analysis. i'm not looking for compliments here. if you want to respond, similarly introduce yourself. thanks.

hi, my name is dan. sometimes i go by my full name, daniel, because i feel like it garners more respect and sounds more mature. i also use words like "garner" and "boondoggle" in honor of ms. bank from whom i learn tons of impressive words. she died four years ago. i still struggle with that. bradley johnson died two and a half years ago. i still struggle with that. stephen werner died a few months ago. i still struggle with. i joke that i'm comfortable about death, but i'm really not. i grieve hard.

i say that i've moved on from the person i was in high school, but inside i am still fairly similar. i have moments almost every day where my heart breaks a little when i think about my old park singers family and how much i miss them. i hate the fact that the performance atmosphere at belmont (and in nashville) makes me feel insecure in my talent. i miss performing on stage. i miss being around people who sing just because they love it and would do anything to be a good choir.

i am insecure. i analyze every conversation i have with people trying to see how i might have messed up. i feel like people talk about me behind my back. i have always struggled with my self-image and my weight. in elementary school i was made fun of because i was fat. it screwed me up. i can't take a compliment, but i thrive on positive affirmation. i don't have close friends because i'm afraid of getting hurt, but the one thing i want in life is a best friend that i can always lean on and who can lean on me. i always cop-out and say god will provide one while i'm honestly tired of waiting.

i try not to talk about my problems because i hate to seem like i'm whining, but i really wish i could talk about them more. i'm overstretched most of the time. i'm always "on" around people when i wish i was alway raw and vulnerable. i'm outgoing, but i'm an introvert. my alone time is precious to me.

i'm unapologetically a radical star wars and harry potter fan (in that order). i don't care if people think i'm a dork because of it. i'm also a burgeoning theologian...and a religious schizophrenic...one moment i love the church, the next i rail against it. i've been hurt by the church in a huge way twice in my life, and while i say i've learned from those things and have moved on, i really haven't.

i love my family unconditionally. i think my father is the most upright man i have ever known. i hope that i am at least half the man that he is when i grow up, half the father he has been to me. i respect his opinion above anyone else. my mother is my inspiration. she is my buddy, and she keeps me going on days when i don't think i can make it. she doesn't get the recognition she deserves for all she does. my sister is my role model. she had more of an impact on my life than everyone else i have known combined. she is brilliant, talented, loving, and innovative. and she loves me just like i am. my brother-in-law is incredible. he is like the brother i never had. he perfectly compliments my sister, and i feel like i could talk to him about anything. i love my family more than life itself, and nothing can change that.

i am southern and i'm proud of it. there is a lot about the south i don't agree with (racism, subjugation of women, etc.), but there is so much that i cling to. i love sec football. i love southern accents. i love the emphasis on family. i love the food. i love saying that i'm from the south.

so that's me. a little broken. a little dysfunctional. but honestly me. take it or leave it.

fall break

i cannot accurately describe how perfect my fall break was. i got to enjoy the company of my sister and brother-in-law while jet-setting across the united states. i felt pretty awesome sitting on the plane sipping my ginger ale with my knees up under my chin (woo hoo steerage class). below are some of the highlights. i know fall break was almost two weeks ago, but this is the first opportunity i've had to write about it. man i miss those kids.

yeah...that's the golden gate bridge behind me. I went for the sorta artsy tourist look.

this is at muir beach...a nice little secluded beach over the bridge.

me looking generally happy about the state of things outside the hidden coffee shop by beth's office.

all the cool kids (jordan, beth, and me) at the top of uc berkeley's bell tower.

uc berkeley has a carillon...belmont's carillon is one of three in the state of tennessee...but they have an elevator that takes you to their's.

a streetcar...i was generally thrilled about this...took me back to my thomas the tank engine days

elephant seals...nuff said...

we're so cute it's almost unbearable...and there's alcatraz in the background

josiah bartlet for president

i couldn't resist writing this any more. i am absolutely hooked on the west wing. this show is incredible. i'm in the second season now, and i literally would vote for the fictional josiah bartlet tomorrow. the dialog is perfect. the cast is as well. why didn't i know about this sooner???

so, go out and rent season one and get hooked. go ahead. do it. i dare you.

the edge

i stand swaying at the edge
that calls me forward
to a fatal drop

no voices call me back
no hands reach to pull me
only the wind pushes

i want to turn a walk away
to free myself from the
inevitable collision

but i go ahead and drop
face forward down the cliff
to my own demise

and as i fall i see the crowd
of onlookers who stood
silent in my contemplation

they jump after me
following my lead as i realize
my influence was great

and now they tumble down behind
and i realize why they didn't
call me back from the edge

they were waiting to see
what i would do and how
i would respond

but i jumped
so they did too
off the edge and to the rocks

and it was my fault
that they went over the edge
because i led them

more detail

this morning i wrote a blog on the simple joy of tea drinking.

that is somewhat a lie. see, it is true that i find drinking tea to be a simple joy, but my love of tea is anything but simple. i am, in fact, a tea snob. i drink loose leaf teas. only. if someone offers me a teabag i respectfully decline. i am annoying. i am a tea elitist.

i own two cast iron teapots. one is blue with lotus and cherry blossoms on it, symbolizing beauty, purity, and enlightenment. the other is charcoal with a hobnail design signifying strength. yes...i know what my teapots mean.

i have four loose-leaf teas that i drink right now:

1. MateVana - is a "diet tea" that curbs hunger; is a tea equivalent to coffee, though the caffeine is balanced with other natural elements within the tea
   
2. Pu-erh - is a medicinal tea that is known to slow aging; it is low in tannins
3. South African Rooibos - is the highest USDA approved rooibos tea from Cape Town, South Africa. i first had rooibos tea in Cape Town, so having it in America is amazing; it is filled with vitamins and minerals
4. Dragonwell Green Tea - is an ancient tea from China; it is said to boost mental alertness and fend off disease

so these are my teas (as shown below). i encourage everyone to try loose-leaf tea brewing. if you don't know where to start, check out teavana's website. that's where i get all my tea. so there we go.

tea and bagels

it really is just that simple. this morning i woke up to a beautiful overcast and cool morning. i opened my window to let the chilly breeze in and went downstairs to start breakfast. last night i decided to have a couple mini bagels with cream cheese for breakfast, but i hadn't resolved what i would drink. and then, of course, i remembered all my teas. so this morning i had a mix of pu-erh and south african rooibos. it is truly the simple things in life that bring the greatest joy.

where was i?

i had just sat down in 2nd period: ms. dumas's language arts class. i remember it being a great day in 1st period choir. i was in 8th grade. i remember wondering if my cousin brian, who at the time was a flight attendant, was flying that day (even though i never knew his schedule the rest of the time). ms. dumas's father was supposed to be flying that day, and even though she hid it well, i knew she was deeply upset.

i remember the sunset being beautiful that night as i walked into the prayer service at church. it was the church i had grown up in, back before i learned what disillusionment meant. back before i understood a lot of things. i was in 8th grade. i was happy. but it seems like september 11th, though i didn't know it at the time, was the beginning of the end of my naivety. from that day on, the dominoes of tragedy and the real world began to fall around me.

september 11th doesn't mean to me what it means to most of the american populous. it isn't predominantly some day of remembrance or a time to be patriotic. to me it marks the last day of my naive childhood.

though i won't claim it as the beginning of adulthood by any means, looking back i know fully that i ceased to be a child from that day on. i came to know concepts in the "real world" like betrayal, heartache, sadness, and depression. my sister moved to college. i moved to a new church, then to high school. eventually i graduated and went to college. and here i am now, seven years later.

i remember the sunset being beautiful that night. and the picture of that will always be burned in my mind.

and here we are

two months ago today i left for cape town, south africa. i had no idea what was in store for me. today i decided to sit down and write a blurb about my experience there (at the prompting of a church newsletter of all things). considering all my conversations and discourses about my trip tend to be extremely long, i felt this was a good exercise. here's what i came up with:

once you drink the water in south africa, you will never be satisfied until you drink it again. and it's true. god blessed my life unbelievably during my two week stay in cape town, south africa with my college (belmont university). i had the opportunity to experience life from an entirely different perspective and to see god in the eyes of poverty-stricken south african children during our bible clubs. but i learned more about god's love and provision than i ever knew was possible. from safe travels and health to deep conversations about god that crossed cultural divides, my experience with "mother afrika" profoundly revolutionized my faith and strengthened my relationship with my creator.

there is so much packed into those sentences, i feel like they are bursting at the seams. how can i describe my time there to anyone who wasn't with me? i can't. it's not really possible. i can tell stories and look at pictures, but i can't help anyone see what i saw or experience what i experienced. i have no words to describe how god worked in me.

but it's good to stand here two months later and be at peace with being home for the first time. yes, my soul still longs to be back. but my memories of africa have melted into who i am, instead of being surface-level conversation pieces, high points that no one can comprehend. cape town is a sacred space for me now, and one day i'll return to again meet with god under different rules and circumstances. the encouragement now is to do the same thing right here. spend time in my sacred spaces and meet god in new and inspiring ways.

njalo!
(always!)
siya thandaza
(we pray)
siya nilela
(we give)
siya dumisa thina njalo
(we praise the lord always)

two face

there are two of me. i struggle between both of them because i feel as though both are required of me. one side wears me out but is authoritative and gets things done. the other is raw, vulnerable, and real, but it has no place in a lot of what i do.

the first me is a harsh facade that stands strong at the doors of my university. he is a leader who leads with an iron fist. he commands respect, whether or not he gets it. he is firm and unmoving. this face is lined with superiority. he is always "on" and never has a bad day. except when he does. when he does it is a hell of a day. the words "war path" come to mind. but he is a strong leader. and i am most comfortable as this me.

then there is the second me. i am terrified of this me. he is introverted and reserved. he has opinions and passions that overwhelm him sometimes. he loves peoples' stories and 1-on-1 conversations. this me is willing to be raw. this me is vulnerable. this me understands that he is not perfect and admits his insecurities. he wants nothing more than to inspire people and to love people and to have them love him. he is just now learning to be a leader. i am least comfortable as this leader.

i don't know how to reconcile these two people, these two faces i wear. i've created one to suppress the other. and the hardest thought for me is that i know i cannot be both for much longer. it wears on me. i want to be a compassionate leader, but i want people to respect me. i want to be the person that others seek out when they need to talk, need to exist, need to do life with someone.

i long to be one while i continually exist as the other. i'm determined to break free of the facade. and i'm trying day by day to do just that.

something short

this link will take you to a video of a song that has a special place in my heart. i know some of you don't care anything about show choir, and that's completely cool. but the performance of "raindrops will fall" by the petal high school soundsations in 2005 was a monumental experience in my life. it is an unbelievable performance. so check it out here.

my perspective on iraq

nope...this isn't a politically charged crazy-liberal rant...

this is about having perspective on the war in iraq. today i got to talk to my friend sam for the first time in over a year. sam has been serving the united states in iraq as part of the marines for nearly two years. sam was my best friend in middle school and high school at spain park. though we admittedly grew in different directions toward the latter half of our careers there, i still to this day owe much of who i am to our friendship.

sam is a hero. he's a hero of the kind i will never be able to be. i sat talking to him over facebook chat making lame references to video games from our middle school years knowing that what he's experienced has changed his own perspectives on life. and i realize that my experiences have done the same.

do i support the war in iraq?

no.

but i damn well support our troops with all my heart. because to me they have a face. their face is sam.

thank you sam.

the clone wars: a review

well it happened...something i never thought would happen again: i saw a new star wars movie in theaters. i figured one day i would see the saga special edition with my children or something like that, but not a brand new movie. but alas, the clone wars opened yesterday, and in true fandom form i dressed up for the premiere. now, for a bit of a review:

the good

two words: ahsoka tano. this little padawan is freaking awesome. she was able to deliver the humor jar jar binks was intended to bring while still being a foil character for anakin. she is truly an adept fighter, and we get to see some new things from her (including the fabled reverse-grip lightsaber stance).

the plot, though a bit sketchy at times, is overall pretty solid. while many will malign the idea of rescuing the son of jabba the hutt, it provides opportunities for anakin to grow through his hatred and to mature in the view of his padawan. the lightsaber battles are exciting as are the new battles seen on christophsis, teth, and in space.

it is excellent to see some of ralph mcquarries original concept designs reincorporated into this movie (like the back of jabba's palace and the markings of captain rex's helmet).

additionally, the role and function of the clone troopers is incredibly well portrayed. we get to see them breaking outside the boxes they were grown in. they fight with courage. that said, it is also exciting to see them die. there is some distinct carnage in this movie, and it makes the clone wars seem more real(ish).

the bad

ziro the hutt. jabba's traitorous uncle is the star wars version of truman capote. it just doesnt translate very well. he/she (hutts are hermaphrodites) speaks basic (english) instead of huttese and is a bit whiny. my jaw literally dropped the moment ziro spoke for the first time. it was painful.


battle droids should not have inflection or question orders. they are droids for the love of god. the only slight redemption (and i mean SLIGHT) is that the super battle droids at least had deep voices here as opposed to the whiny ones from episode 3.

conclusion

great movie. honestly. i really enjoyed it, and i plan on seeing it a couple more times before it comes out of theaters. 3 out of 4 stars in my book. the soundtrack, though not john williams, fits the movie well. it's nice to have a different take on the series. the animation is superb and artistic. i really can't wait for the tv series to begin.

why do i always do this?

so i commented on someone else's bloggish type thing today. it was a post of a political nature. i really try to stay away from all that because it just never tends to end well. but i did it anyway.

it's no secret that i'm a barack obama fan. i feel like it's pretty obvious from my obama t-shirt to my causes page on facebook. but i'm not like a raging outspoken obama-ite (i mean, i sorta am, but i try not to be in an annoying way). i also have this penchant for defending things/people that i have no real reason to defend...or something like that.

i defend star wars. the books, the movies, even the prequel trilogy. because it is something i love and something that has had a huge impact on me. so i'll defend 360 degrees of star wars to end. i'll concede things like jar jar binks was the most pointless character ever created in cinema. i'll be honest and say that jake lloyd made me want the sand people to kill shmi. but on the whole i'll defend star wars.

that may seem like a terrible example, but it just demonstrates that characteristic in me.

when people make comments about barack obama that are outrageous, many times i'll let them slide. but when people twist the fact that his middle name is hussein or that his last name rhymes with osama so he must be in league with islamic radicals i far too often flip my shit. and so, on this person's bloggish thing i responded. a little heatedly i'll admit. but i can't stand it when people say things out of ignorance. i'll at least be honest enough and admit when i have said something stupid.

but come on people...get over it. there are plenty of other things you can pick at obama about. things that, again i'll admit, are legitimate discussion points. but get over the fact that his middle name is hussein. my last name is german in origin but it doesn't mean i'm a nazi (i know, drastic example but the 'my middle name is allen which sort of rhymes with stalin' example just wouldn't cut it). so let's grow up and debate some real issues.

***disclaimer: if anyone comments on this post and tries to have a discussion or debate about politics, i will not reply. because, as referenced at the beginning, i HATE those discussions in person, much less over the internet...which is again why it frustrates me that i let myself do this in the first place...what a terrible cycle***

the new racism of the south

i will not be so naive to say that there is no longer racism in the southern united states (or the whole united states for that matter). african-americans still encounter barriers in every direction because of the color of their skin and the bad blood that still exists between the them and much of the older white population of the south (and to gross misfortune a larger number of young white southerners than should be tolerated).

however, while still recognizing those issues, i would like to write today toward a new racism that has found footholds in the region of my residence and upbringing. that would be racism against latino people. whether here legally or otherwise, the hispanic population of the united states and especially the south are the target of a new resurgence in overt racism. terms like "wetbacks" and "dirty mexicans" permeate far too much dialog and draw strong connections to the taboo "n" word.

my mind and heart wonder when the day will come when people will be offended by the "w" word (wetbacks for those not paying attention). how many times does history (even such recent history as fifty years ago) have to repeat itself before people realize the wrong in assigning offensive language to those who are different. Faggot, nigger, wetbacks...they're all putrid uses of the english language and demeaning to the people groups which they represent. but further than that they are slanders on humanity as a whole. that one person could call another something that makes them less human is a dark mark against all of us. those who says it and those of us who let them say it.

i think of times in scripture when god threatens to, and some cases does, wipe out those who live in and thrive upon dehumanizing sin. it makes me wonder if we are a people worth saving. and then i have to put my shoulders back, raise my chin and admit that, no, we are not. and to that end it is my duty as a member of humanity to try and change that by living a life that fights for social justice and isn't passive about racism or the dehumanization of anyone.

when people start living that life, i believe we'll all see a drastically different world.

ibarw

international blog against racism week...what a concept. thanks to amaryah for bringing this to my attention. i'm pretty excited about spending this week blogging on the race relations both in the u.s. and abroad. considering the fact that i did just spend two weeks in africa, i'm looking forward to reflecting on my experience and how it has impacted my view of racism. my last post was an article on integrated and segregated churches.

segregated churches.

does that sound absolutely ridiculous to anyone else? i grew up in two very white churches. i lived in a christian world where everyone had the same skin color. i encountered other races at school, but that just added to my secular perception of race. it wasn't until i began college that i really experienced doing life with christians who weren't white. the worship pastor at my church (thomas) is black.

talk about culture shock.

the first sunday i attended services at mosaic i honestly came away thinking, "wow. that was so cool to see a black guy leading in worship." and then my heart broke because i realized how ridiculous that statement was and how close-minded my church upbringing had been. i should have thought, "wow. that was so cool to see such a passionate man leading in worship." race should never have been the wow factor in that experience.

but far too often that is the case. it was for me. for the first time in my life the people i count as close friends aren't predominantly white. my perceptions on race and how the concept affects christians is different. it's more open.

earlier i mentioned amaryah. if there is one person in my life who has challenged me to challenge all my perceptions on race it is her. she doesn't let me be comfortable. in fact, she is fantastic at making me feel uncomfortable. and it makes me look at things differently. and i'm grateful for her influence in my life and on my thought processes.

so that's my introduction to this week of blogging. i'm pretty excited.

wow...simply wow

this article actually made me cry...i think it's because it hit so close to home...home church that is.

quotes...lots and lots of quotes

"What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard???"
-Eddie Izzard-

"Sure. I can't move a rock with my mind, but, boy, can I make that rock think it's been moved."
-Jedi Master Corran Horn-

"Bats frighten me. It's time my enemies shared my dread."
-Bruce Wayne-

"You're my oldest friend Saul; you will never embarrass me."
-Admiral William Adama-

"Shut up you damn gimp."
-Emily T-

"You need to close that book and pray."
-Guy-

"Corellia is like a planet of Texas."
-Coxey-

"The key to SEC football -- the reason it has such an obsessive following -- is because it's the best.

"Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousins marry."
-Eddie Izzard-

"I have a sneaking suspicion that if there were a way to make movies without actors, George (Lucas) would do it."
-Mark Hamill-

"But wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? ... So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line."
-Billy Mack, Love Actually-

"Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free."
-also Billy Mack, Love Actually-

"You've all been working like diligent... badgers... diligent badgers... are badgers diligent?"
-Dr. Wells-

"Everyting I tell you is a lie becasue the truth is always greater than the words we use to describe it. So, choose and act."
-Vergere-

"Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff."
-Frank Zappa-

"Twas the drink that killed him."
"Oh...he was an alcoholic?"
"No. He was hit by a Guiness truck, so it was quite literally the drink that killed him."
-Mrs. Doubtfire-

"Revolution is not a onetime event."
-Audre Lorde-

And it's the best, quite simply, because it has to be. If teams from the west coast or the midwest don't perform, then some die-hard fans will take it pretty hard, and everyone else will go about their lives. But in towns like Tuscaloosa or Oxford or Athens or Knoxville, when their teams are losing, then the tea isn't so sweet, the porches aren't so inviting, the heat isn't so bearable, and the Holy Spirit isn't quite so immanent."
-Jordan Conn-

let the anticipation begin...

yeah, that's right. the half-blood prince teaser trailer is out. it's freaking awesome. i can't wait for this to come out!!!

check it out

god's beauty all around

this is literally the most beautiful place i have ever been. check out some pictues on our blog website. one day i'll actually post a real blog on here again...but it might have to wait until i get back.

africa...wow

so i promise a longer post tomorrow with pictures too, but i have to say that i am absolutely in love with this place. i have met some amazing people...south africans, the scottish, the british, etc. it's incredible. again...more tomorrow

africa...here i come

well it's finally here. i leave for cape town, south africa, on friday. so, naturally, i'll be quite out of touch for two weeks. please take time to check out our blog we'll be updating as often as possible while we're gone with pictures and stories about how we're doing.

Africa Blog

and now for something completely different

alright...i have ranted about the unsatisfaction of life and other shit quite a lot lately. but now it's time for some joy. the following are links to some of the most hysterical videos i have ever seen.

warning: some have profanity, some are kinda controversial...i find all of them funny...

Eddie Izzard on religion

Super Bingo

The end of the world

I'm voting republican

That really hurts

Pitched his tents

there we go...funnies...

on indiana jones

so indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull has been catching a lot of flack from learned people across the world, some of whom i greatly respect. however, i happened to love the movie, and i believe have finally compiled a good reason why some people hated it:

think this way, a lot of people saw the original three movies first as a kid and so they have always carried that initial viewing in their minds. but when they saw number 4 they saw it as adults. and i bet it didn't even cross their minds to watch it with the same mindset as that of their childhood screenings.

a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, wrote a negative response to good ole indy 4. included in this response he said:

Okay, okay, I know - Indiana Jones is an action movie...But the latest movie? What did we get?

Aliens. Monkeys. Big ants. Refrigerators in nuclear blasts.

let us pick apart a few of the more, let's say, unrealistic parts of the first three indy movies, shall we?

*raiders of the lost ark*
-giant snake pit
-giant rolling boulder
-marion ravenwood's accent
-THE ARK OF THE effing COVENANT
-the effects of opening the ark

*temple of doom*
-short round (nuff said)
-willie scott whining "indeeeee" continuously throughout the movie
-the bugs
-the ENTIRE concept of the movie (the family guy spoof is spot on with michael eisner btw)
-eating monkey brains

*last crusade*
-the snake in the train
-infiltrating into nazi germany and coming face-to-face with adolf hitler
-the rug on fire/hearth scene
-THE HOLY effing GRAIL
-the melting face/body

i hope this shows that aliens, monkeys, ants, and nuclear explosions aren't too far-fetched in the story of indiana jones. in fact, they're thematically right on target. what's that formula again?

supernatural/extraterrestrial/religious artifact + gross animal scene or scenes + impossible situations + interesting sidekick (a bit of a stretch with short round) + love affair + frightening global power figure = indiana jones movie

i rest my case.

quotes on life...

this was the quote on my main email page today from kurt vonnegut:

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

no offense kurt, but i am afraid there is a better quote than this that comes from dear dolly parton in the movie steel magnolias:

Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

and alas, that definitely defines yesterday. but life looks much better today. i know, a small update, but i can say that life is looking up today.

dissatisfied

what have i got to be dissatisfied about.

i come from an amazing family with parents who love me, a sister who completely gets me, and brother-in-law who is like a brother, and extended family who (while quite crazy) has always been a constant force in my life.

i am blessed to live in a beautiful house with three really great guys, each of whom challenge me on a daily basis in myriad ways.

i am plugged into a christian community that has completely redefined what church can look like in my life.

i go to, quite arguably (and i'm aware i'm biased), the most amazing university in america.

i have friends who love and challenge me.

i'm involved in ministries and organizations that help me learn who i am and what i want to be.

i have two majors that facilitate two aspects of my personality and my passions.

but i'm at a place right now where i am completely and totally dissatisfied with my life. by the end of every day i am in such a terrible mood that i don't want to be around people. i don't want to do homework. i don't want to fellowship. i'm stuck in a rut that has me alienating myself from, essentially, myself.

i was talking with one of my roommates the other night and i finally verbalized something that has been bothering me for a really long time. i am not particularly good at anything. i do not have a talent that helps me define who i am. i play piano decently and i have an ok voice. am i a musician? no. i can write prose and non-fiction, essays and blogs. am i a writer? no. i am not particularly gifted at any of the things i am truly passionate about. i love singing, but i'm surrounded by people who have such a gift in their voices that i am continually led away from my desire to sing. i absolutely love to play the piano. probably more than anything else in the world. but i constantly encounter people who are so gifted in playing the piano that it dampens my joy. i love to write, but i can't translate that into any prose or poetry that is particularly noteworthy, that will capture the eyes of a professor or critic or friend.

it is a difficult thing to live with passions that are matched by mediocre ability.

but probably the most difficult thing of all is that i love to speak. i love to teach groups and speak to crowds. i know that my destiny lies somewhere in the spoken word. but i have no opportunities to really fulfill that in my life right now. i long for a youth group to teach. i long for a small group of peers to dialog with about everything from theology to why belmont won't plant perennials.

but most of all, i want people to take me seriously. i'm tired of people disregarding things i say or ideas i have because they seem a little crazy or different. i'm fed up with people narrowing their eyes when i talk about alternative views of atonement or the emerging church or even things as little as "moving the chairs around." (<== long story from 7th grade) i'm stuck in a place that has me drowning in passion with no life preserver in sight. and i'm just fucking tired of it.

a small update

What an interesting week! My birthday was Monday, and I'm not gonna lie, it was rough. The week continued to be pretty terrible until Thursday afternoon when I just about had a come apart in the office of one of my University Ministers. I had an incredible conversation with her and my co-leader for my upcoming trip to South Africa. Anyway, it was really helpful to have that time with them. It not only helped me gain some perspective on things, but it boosted my spirit.

I'm working with an organization called Reconstruct this summer doing media and sound. It's a great deal. I'm making some money and getting to work with some really awesome people. The students that are coming through each week are really amazing.

That said, Michael Kelley was the speaker for our worship gatherings this week and will return next week. Let's just say that he brought it this week. And tonight, well, I definitely felt the Word of God come alive. It was both uplifting and challenging to hear the word brought in such a way. I was definitely blessed by his words.

So that's it for this week. Here's hoping that next week is vast improvement.

oh sister...

this is a total rip off...check out this AMAZING POST on my sister's blog...

i drew the short straw

well...i did it. i cut all my hair off and shaved my beard. it was a pretty big step for me, but i feel good about it. my africa co-leader says i look five years younger. let's hope that means i looked 25. oh yeah, my 20th birthday is monday. w00t.

confused? of course not...pretty...

i am blessed to be able to co-lead the most perfect group of people to south africa in july. i cannot believe that i am really, truly going. even more than that, i cannot even express just how incredibly out team is. we have meshed in only three days. imagine two weeks abroad. all i can say is here we go. it is only just the beginning. i know god has things beyond my imagining in store for us.

the thinigs they carried and the lovely bones: a response

so i spent this past sunday afternoon reading two emotionally taxing books: the things they carried by tim o'brien and the lovely bones by alice sebold.

the things they carried

the things they carried is a shocking memoir from the vietnam war written by a veteran. it deals with war stories and not war stories. the writing is so realistic that the reader can almost feel the explosion of the nearby land mine. o'brien brings the reader so far into the story that it's impossible not to feel emotionally attached.

this one was difficult for me. the language is rough. the description is gruesome. but that wasn't the hard part. there was no emotional resolution. i put the book down feeling horrible. i felt horrible for not fighting. i felt horrible for fighting. i felt like running to canada. i felt like enlisting. and then i realized that this was a book. i didn't live in the seventies. i didn't know kiowa. i didn't know jimmy cross. but o'brien made me feel like i did. i mourned for the two that died. i learned morales from another. i learned the finer points of telling a war story from yet another. it was intense. it was painful. it was brilliant.

the lovely bones

the lovely bones is a painfully beautiful story about the rape and murder of a 14 year old girl. every moment of this book is hard to read. again, it ends and there is no happy feeling. no warm fuzzy. just a cold emptiness. it is one of the best books i have ever read.

suzie, her good judgment losing to her avid scientific curiosity, finds herself the victim of a serial rapist. her spirit ends up in heaven which is much like the playground at her junior high school. from there she watches her family and friends deal with her death and begin to move on. she sees her killing still living just down the street from her family. she sees the boy she loved become friends with the only girl who can still feel her presence.

there are more heartbreaking moments in this book than in any i have read in recent memory. i got completely freaked out so many times that at 1am (because i absolutely could not go to bed without finishing this book) i got up and locked the door to my room. i honestly felt like a serial rapist might come bursting through the door bent on killing me. the writing captures the character of suzie so perfectly that the reader cannot help but be sucked into the story.

reflection

i would definitely recommend both of the books to most people. i would recommend the things they carried to people who enjoy memoirs, non-fiction, historical fiction, and tragedy. it is not for the faint-hearted. i'd say that most people would find the lovely bones to be a good book, if not a good story. there is very little good in the story. it too is not for the faint-hearted, but for completely different reasons.

i would also recommend throwing a happy/fluff/emotionless book in between the two. i was kind of depressed most of the day monday.

happy (or at least good) reading.

this is how it feels to read again

i've definitely knocked out my share of books over the last week. three, to be exact. harry potter six and seven (completing my 9th straight runthrough of the series, 1st since deathly hallows came out) as well as invincible by troy denning. my summer list is painstakingly long, but i feel my ambition is equal to the task:

1. lies my teacher told me
   
2. the way of the shepherd
   
3. a few star wars novels here and there
4. everyman's talmud
5. the omnivore's dilemma
6. um summer book
7. slc summer book
8. and mostly likely about three or four others that i haven't decided on yet

i'm pretty pumped. not having cable has been great for my booklife. it's good to be reading again.

i think i'm just being childish

There are times when I am astonished by the inevitability of my life to be amazing and terrible at the same time. Here I am with three weeks of freedom before classes start and I can’t find it in myself to do anything productive. I love my new roommates. They are amazing. But at the same time I’m the “kid” again. I’m always the kid. Why can’t people see me as just me? Why do they have to attach my age to me? Just because I’m only 19 doesn’t mean that people have to treat me like I’m twelve. I don’t drink. I don’t plan on drinking until I’m 21. My roommates understand and respect it. I welcome jokes about it at my expense because I’m pretty damn proud of the fact that I am waiting. But sometimes it would be nice to not have to put up with that. I don’t know. Again, it’s such a hypocritical juxtaposition because I find the joke entertaining (and make a few myself) while at the same time incredibly annoying. And then I sit here and realize that this whole post actually makes me sound like I deserve to be treated that way because I’m hardcore whining here. I hate it. I hate the position I always find myself in. I just can’t catch a break in all this.

And hey, to make things more interesting, let’s throw in the drastic, ever-changing journey my spiritual life has been speeding down lately. One moment I’m thrilled by a conversation about theology with a friend who has had different life experiences from mine, and the next I feel completely disconnected from every portion of the faith I’ve grown up claiming to believe. Last night I was drawn to read my Bible, but, ironically, I couldn’t find one anywhere in the hell-hole that is my new room (the unpacking has barely begun). I ripped boxes and bags open looking for a Bible to no avail, but I was too stubborn to just run out in the severe thunderstorm to my car where I knew my Bible was. I finally found one, but by the time I did, I was too exhausted to read it. I am pathetic. The best description of my spiritual life right now is that I’m completely joyous and pretty put-out at the same time.

I apologize to the three of you who actually read this for not offering something interesting or insightful or even remotely controversial. Just me, the little teenager, complaining about the often unfair complexities of this simple life I lead. Which I guess leads me to believe that maybe the reason that people don’t see me as grown up is because I haven’t actually done it. But at the same time I wonder how I can be expected to act grown up if people continually treat me like I’m not. This is ridiculous. Now I’m just letting my mind and (inadequate) logic run away. I quit.

and here we are at the end looking back

i absolutely cannot believe that this is the last day of classes for the spring 2008 semester. i also cannot believe that i'm still overwhelmed and will be until a week from now. arg. but at least there are some interesting things to discuss.
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i guess foremost among them is the fact that this semester is finally almost over. this has been the most difficult semester of my life. i am ready for the break that may is going to bring me. i am incredibly excited about my new roommates and our house (we totally move in on thursday). they are really incredible guys, and i am blessed to have the opportunity to live with them. i am also acutely aware of the fact this means i have to pack up my apartment and leave an equally awesome roommate behind. ah the bittersweet nature of change. but it's definitely time for me to move on.

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would i have changed anything about this semester? well, if i had complete power over the world and how things worked, then yeah. but seeing as i don't, then there really aren't many things i would change. i would make myself be a lot less stressed by being more on top of things. i would have been more careful around kroger shopping carts. i also would have taken more time to just enjoy the company of my friends. at the same time i would have taken more time for me to be alone.

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what am i doing over the summer? well, other than taking 9 hours of classes in june, going to zimbabwe for 2 weeks in july, and working throughout? um...i guess i'm going to read a whole hell of a lot, play some smash brothers brawl and xbox (the latter of which i haven't done since around thanksgiving), turn 20, spend time with my roommates, see my sister and brother-in-law off to parts unknown, welcome my cousin's son into the world, write some, pray some, and generally let my spirit be rejuvinated.

i'm allowed to have an opinion, right?

because sometimes i wonder if people don't understand that concept. i'm allowed to say that i don't agree with the penal substitutionary atonement theory. no, i don't believe that the main message of the cross is the punishment of sins. and i don't have to try to justify myself to people i know won't listen to me. i won't apologize for looking at the world through the eyes of another person or for letting that affect my theology. it's not just because i "don't like" the theology of penal substitution. it's not because i'm trying to be a rebel. it's not even because i like a good argument. it's because i think of a teenage girl who has been physically and emotionally abused her whole life. i think of a son who is beaten by his mother every time she gets a little drunk. how can i talk about the love of a god who victimized his son? i know there is more to it than that, but it is still directly related.

and i also think richard dawkins has it right in a sense when he says "atonement, the central doctrine of christianity, is vicious, sadomasochistic, and repellent." and someone says that i can't throw out a theory of atonement because of a single hypothetical situation.

yes, i fucking can.

because as much as the study of theology is about dialog and interaction and delving into the writings of those who have come before (ad fontes), it is also a very personal journey. so, i sure as hell can disagree with penal substitution, and i can do it on the basis of a hypothetical person who exists in real life in the form of around 2,000 children abused sexually or physically every day.

So what theory of atonement do i think i prefer? i have no idea. why? because i am still struggling with this concept of atonement. i really don't necessarily think that the most important message of the cross is the atonement of sins. i'm working through that one. so i guess that i would maybe be most inclined to agree with an exemplary theory of atonement, that the cross was a demonstration. that still doesn't help me reconcile the violence involved, but again, i'm working on it.

a broken heart

so i'm in chattanooga right now having just finished an admissions event. it's been really fun traveling around the southeast doing these parties and getting to share with admitted students why i love belmont.

but tonight something different happened. i met ruby. ruby is a black lady who works as a custodian at the hotel where we had our event. she looked tired. she seemed frustrated that people were walking where she was trying to mop. she warned people to be careful because the floor was wet, but no one paid her any attention. on my way out after our party, i stopped and asked ruby how her day had been. she said it had been terrible. her blatant honesty showed me that no one had cared all day, and that she just needed to verbalize it. my heart broke. i told her that i hoped it would get better this evening and that i hoped she could get some rest tonight. and i walked on to the bathroom.

in the bathroom my mind raced. here we were, a group of middle/upper class white people in a hotel that caters to the middle and upper class of america doing an event to try and get people to choose a college that costs a lot of money to attend. and here, having a shitty day, was a woman who must be under-appreciated (as most custodians are). and again i found myself wishing i was someone other than myself. i found myself wishing i could understand so that my words would be more than just words. my heart broke even more.

i came out and saw her again as she called out to me to thank me for asking her about her day. i asked if i could hug her and she said yes. the embrace was filled with an empathy i have rarely felt with anyone. i asked if i could pray for her, and she said yes. i prayed for her rest and her spirit. i prayed that her days would improve. i prayed that she would feel appreciated. i finished and we opened our eyes. hers were filled with tears. she thanked me again, we hugged again, and i left. my heart broke even more.

all i could think about was how today was a shitty day for her, but she still did her job. she still did life. and i realized how selfish i am. how badly i need to reassess my perspectives on so many things. and i got back to my hotel tonight, tired of playing the game. every part of me wants to go back to that place and sit down and ask her why her day was terrible and how i could pray specifically for her and hear her story. but i can't because we have a schedule, and i don't have a car.

tonight was the second time in a week that i have felt compelled to pray with someone randomly, and more and more i realize how much pain there is all around me. and my heart breaks for it. i know that i don't have to carry the burdens of the world, but i feel like if more people felt they needed to help carry the burdens of other people, the Christian church would be so much more united, and world would see a difference. so, here i am. lonely in a hotel room in an unfamiliar town. heartbroken for someone i don't even know. and everything in me just wants to break down and cry.

but the strange part is that it feels so right. and i know in my broken heart that ruby will rest easier because someone is shouldering her burden-filled day with her. and that brings me joy that can come from no place else.